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Successfully Jokes

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

Today I successfully weighed a rainbow

Turns out it was pretty light

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

What did the bacteria say when it successfully divided?

Fission accomplished!

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

NASA's DART spacecraft successfully slams into asteroid.

Just like the Mars Polar Lander did on Mars.

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does one need to successfully navigate a brothel?

A cum pass.

Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!

Dog: [taps paw]


Me: What did it say??


Scientist: "Woof."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish...

...the results speak for themselves.

Our planet successfully played most notes on the piano.

But it couldn't B flat.

If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

Do you know in which country scientists have successfully crossed an otter and a human?

The otterman empire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...

and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.

'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.

'Sorry, I...

Apple has successfully created a self driving car

However, they are having problems installing windows.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

I successfully stole a case of toilet paper

Got off Scott free

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call ejaculate that successfully impregnates a women?

The mother load.

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

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