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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

My friend successfully guessed the first present I'd got him for his Cuban themed party, but not the second present.

Clothes but no cigar.

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

What’s the difference between my estranged mother and the Challenger Spacecraft?

My mother successfully took off.

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

Doctor the operation was a success

Patient really?

Doctor yes, we have successfully removed the colon.

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?

He created a pyramid scheme

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

What is it called if you fail to successfully perform the Heimlich maneuver?

Two people choking.

What did the Pope say to the heretic who successfully lobbied to be buried on hallowed ground?

"What we have here is a failure to excommunicate!"

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

What's the difference between M. Night Shyamalan and Ozai?

M. Night Shyamalan successfully killed the Avatar.

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[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

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After successfully hoarding all the toilet paper before the apocalypse, people come up to me every day begging to buy my paper with their money.

I tell them they can wipe their asses with it.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

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