UPJOKE
compliancelegitimacyentrysubmitagreementfilingauthorizationconsentoathknockoutreconsiderationtkotakedownguillotineapplication

Submission Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex for me is like submission in WWE

1, 2, 3 is over

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

Joke submission

There was once a contest to see who could come up with the best pun!
I delved into the recesses of my mind, researched and ask friends for all their best jokes.
Finally, after laborious work, I settled on ten, and sent them in, one by one, in the hopes of my hard work paying off.

Week...

Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission?

It was a Riposte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First submission to /jokes, and it's an old one about women making sandwiches.

Three riveters take their lunch break up on the rafters of a high rise. The first one opens his lunch pail and turns to the others, "Goddamn Ham & Swiss *again.* Fifteen years of marriage, and every day it's the same thing. I swear, if my wife makes me one more Ham & Swiss, I'm ending it....

British woman in New York pummels a teenager into submission and is congratulated by Royalty

But enough about Ghislaine Maxwell, let us celebrate Emma Raducanu's achievments instead.

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

Found a interesting submission today about how to counter-attack while fencing...

Then I realized it was a riposte.

Where do r/jokes submissions live?

Repo St

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

Did you hear about the homeless artist who got turned down in his submission for a classic string toy rebranding?

It was a no-go hobo yo-yo logo.

In the midst of the NHL Playoffs, here is my first r/Jokes submission.

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the ...

My first submission, it used to play well with my father-in-law

Two Jewish men, Ari and Hymie, were walking down a city street, whereupon they happened to pass in front of a Catholic church. The church had a big sign out in front saying:

**"Convert To Catholicism and Receive $10! Today Only!!"**

Hymie stopped and studied the sign with a contemplati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I prob...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it wanted to die.

(Genius submission from my 5 year old son)

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app...

Trying to post on Reddit is like applying for jobs...

99% of the responses you get will begin with "Thank you for your submission! Unfortunately..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A national newspaper recently participated in a contest to discover the funniest pun

The paper collected ten different submissions from their staff and submitted all to the contest certain at least a single entry might be good enough to win.



Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

If you post BDSM jokes on /r/jokes....

Does it count as a submission?

On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.


The woman ignores him.


*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*


The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the ...

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

“Here’s my paper, sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse me, sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” re...

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Question - Not a joke

This is not a joke but I hope my submission will be accepted anyway since it relates to jokes.

I'm curious about the preferred way of presenting a play on words. Does reddit prefer to spell based on the implied meaning or the original and let the reader figure it out?

Example: Noah kee...

While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce,

everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!

I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man found out he won the lottery while at work...

The first thing he did after getting home was yell out to his wife "Honey, pack your things I just won the lottery!".

After hearing this she excitedly runs into the room yelling "That's great! Where are we going to go?".

The husband turns around looks her square in the eye and says, "D...

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)

The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.

It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden s...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God creating critters

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

What's the difference between a gingerbread man and an orange man?

One runs away, the other runs for president.

^^It's ^^kinda ^^my ^^first ^^submission ^^I ^^hope ^^it's ^^ok

King of the jungle

One beautiful morning Leo the Lion wakes up in his den, gives a big morning roar, stretches and starts off for the watering hole.

On his way he comes across a monkey sitting on a rock. Leo grabs the monkey, gives him a slap and asks "who's the king of the jungle"?
The monkey says "You are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cow boys

Three cow boys were sitting around a campfire telling their manly stories, first cow boy said,” I must be the toughest cowboy of them all, I once wrestled an angry bull into submission.” Second cowboy said,” that’s nothin, I once but a rattle snake’s head off and drank the venom.” The third cowboy s...

A reposted joke walks into a bar...

It gets downvoted into submission

How many /r/The_Donald moderators does it take to change a lightbulb

You have been banned from /r/The_Donald for this submission...

Definitions in construction

*Tender submission* - A game of poker in which the losing hand wins
*Tender sum* - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places
*Successful Tenderer* - A contractor wondering what they left out.
*Architect* - A person who knows very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his husband walk into a local church...

A man and his husband walk into a local church, holding hands and being affectionate during the entire ceremony, to the ire of one of the elderly choir women.

Once it has finished, she approaches the two men and quotes from the bible:

>"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inher...

Last night I went on a blind date with an attractive woman

It started off great, with easy small talk at the restaurant. She asked about my job. I told her entrepreneur. She asked what I liked most about my job. I replied, 'freedom.' We started to get in that comfortable groove.

"My daddy always told me, " she said, with a far away look and wistful ...

So there was this pun contest at my school last year...

I have some really good jokes and I was sure I could win the $100 prize, so I went to the submission table and saw that there wasn't a limit on how many jokes you could put in. So I thought to myself, *I can really increase my chances of winning by entering 10 jokes!* So I put in my 10 best jokes an...

A redditor really wants to make the front page

It's always been his dream, and he wants to get a lot of karma.

So he starts praying to God. He says, "Please God, I really want to make the front page. Help me make my dream a reality."

Weeks go by and it still hasn't happened. So he tries again,

"God please, I just want to mak...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.