Bar Stool Jokes - 49 Hilarious Bar Stool Jokes

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He...

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Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it ...

My rear end was sore from sitting on the bar stools at my local pub.

So, I've been taking stool softener, but those stools still seem just as hard to me.

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A gorilla walks into a bar

He sits down on a bar stool and orders himself a gin-tonic. The bartender looks on in total surprise and gives him a gin-tonic. The gorilla drinks his glass completely empty and asks how much to pay. The bartender, still amazed, curious about what will happen next asks him for $20. The gorilla grope...

Monkey in a bar

A man goes into a bar with a pet monkey. He sits at the bar and has a drink, but the monkey runs all over the place, jumping on tables and knocking over drinks. Finally, the monkey jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it. The bartender shouts, "Hey, you, get that monkey out o...

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

Two guys walk into a bar

A philosopher and a physician walk into a fabulous tiki beach bar in Florida and both order drinks. After a while the philosopher addresses the physician, "Have you read Marx?" The physician replies, "Yes, I blame these wicker bar stools."

A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.

He leans over and asks the guy on his left, “did you shpill your drink on me?” The guy says “no I did not.” He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, “did you shpill your drink on me?” “No, I certainly did not.”

“Then I guess it must have been an inside job.”

A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance..

The rabbit says "tango?"

He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"

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3 hookers are at a bar

They are each taking shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest cock. She says "I can by far take the largest cock, I can fit a whole remote in my vag"

The second hooker says "Thats nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it"

The third hooker si...

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Hitler at a bar

A man walks into a bar and believes to see Adolf Hitler sitting on a bar stool. The man walks up to the man, and in an unsure tone, asks: Are you Adolf Hitler. At which point the following conversation ensues:

Hitler: Why yes, I am

Man: I thought you were dead!

Hitler: No, my f...

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A Lawyer Walks into a Bar

A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, i...

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

Private Jones goes to SHAPE

While working a NATO conference at the Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe, Private Jones, of the US Army had some free time. So he found his way to the closest pub, and finding all the bar stools taken, he asks to sit down at a table filled with 3 older gentleman wearing uniforms.

A b...

The practical pick up line

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices a lovely woman sitting alone a few bar stools down, and as the evening goes on, he catches her eye and smiles at her a few times. Amazingly, she gets up, moves down the bar and joins him. "Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you...

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A man walks into a bar

(Stop me if you've heard this before)

Once seated on an bar stool, he proceeds to order a beer. As he's killing off his first beer with his head tilted back, he noticed a monkey on a ledge overlooking the mirror behind the bar. Right underneath the monkey, a sign with, "Monkey trick $5" writt...

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

A rope walks into a bar

He walks up and takes a seat at the bar stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender tells him, "Sorry we don't serve ropes around here". So the rope leaves and tries a second place. He takes a seat and once again is told that the place doesn't serve ropes. Frustrated the rope cuts himsel...

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A man walks into a bar…

Takes a seat and orders a drink. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He leans over to take one and is shocked to hear the peanuts talking to him.

‘Hey handsome, looking GOOD’

‘Did you lose weight? You’re looking really fit’

Confused, he accepts the praise and nurses his drin...

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

A Pregnant Woman walks into a bar

A Man Sitting on the Bar stool next to her: Well That sure Knocked her out.

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A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

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What's it called when you take a poop at a bar?

Bar stool

3 hookers are chatting in a bar

The first says "I've worked it so much I can fit a squash up there." The second says "that's nothing, I can stick a melon up mine." The third just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

A guy walks into a bar ....

He sits on a bar stool waiting for the bartender.
"Nice tie!" He was startled looking around to see would said that to him and there was no one around. "Nice Shoes" he hears and again, looking around to see who said that to him and still no one was around. The bartender finally comes over and ...

The day after xmas a man is incredibly drunk after promising his wife he wouldn't drink, and stands up to go home ...

SMASH .. He smashes face-first down on the ground, he's so wasted. He grabs a bar stool and drags himself up to the bar, resting his weight against it for a second and makes a move for the door.

'SMACK' straight down onto the floor again, crawls to the door, and spend the next 50 minutes get...

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A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender looks up and shouts at him, "Hey, where the fuck are you going with my bar stool?!"

Three girls talking in a bar

Three grils are talking in a bar, bragging about how loose they are.

One says she can fit a sausage.

One says she can fit a cucumber.

And the last one just slides down the bar stool.

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3 nuns are at the bar together, having some drinks, bullshitting

1st nun says, “Hey guys, I’m so loose, I can get an entire fist up there.”

2nd nun takes a shot, says, “That’s nothing! I’m so loose, I can get *two* whole fists up there and still have room to clap.”

Well they both look at the 3rd nun who says nothing, but starts sliding down the bar ...

Tom is sitting at the bar....

and he's decides he's had enough to drink and tries to stand up to walk home and falls to the floor. he climbs back up to his bar stool and says hes gonna try it again. so he tries to stand up again and falls back to the floor. again he climbs back up on to his bar stool and says ill give it one m...

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she gently steps with her high heels on the bar stool and plops herself on the bar top, crosses her legs, and seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently care...

A man Walk in to a Bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additi...

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and starte...

So a Jim walks into a bar...

...and the only other person in the bar (other than the barkeeper) is one guy. This guy had already had way too many, and was fighting to keep his balance on the bar stool. Soon after, the drunk falls off of his chair. The drunk then tried to climb up back on to the bar stool, but to no avail. After...

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ,"...

A rich guy walks into a bar

He slams down a thousand dollars on the bar and loudly exclaims that if anyone can drink 50 shots of Vodka, the money is theirs. Some grumble and a guy walks out of the bar. Nobody takes him up on his challenge so he sits on the bar stool and says he'll be here all night in case there are any takers...

A duck walks in to a bar

A duck walks in to a bar, sits on the bar stool and says "My names Splish, I've had an amazing day, I've been in and out of puddles all day! I'll have a large beer please", to which the bartender looks in amazement. Absolutely baffled at the situation, the bartender makes the beer and sits back in d...

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