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Petrol Station Jokes

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol (gas) station

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol station …. Back in those days it wasn’t self service , so my job was to put petrol in cars when a customer arrived.

I always remember this one particular day when an old chap pulled in and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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Did you hear about the male porn star that got fired (sacked) from his day job at the gas station (petrol station, servo, whatever it is in your part of the world)?

Not his fault, it was force of habit: Just before the tank was full, he would take the nozzle out and squirt the rest all over the back of the car.

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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later...

I went to the petrol station to pump up my car tyre...

and the guy charged me 50p. I said “it was only 20p last week”. He said “that’s the price of inflation”

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

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A man walks into a petrol station

He walks up to the counter and says

‘Can I have a Kit Kat chunky’

‘Sure’ replies the cashier and hands him a Kit Kat Chunky

The man replies - ‘I said I want a Kit Kat you fat bitch’

I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.

I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' s...

My local petrol station has newly introduced a 30p charge to use the air to pump up my car tyres

Well I guess that's inflation for you.

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A man pulls up to a petrol station and goes go buy a chocolate bar...

He goes up to the cashier and says "can I have a kit-kat chunky?"

The cashier returns with the chocolate bar he asked for and says "there you go, that will 80p please"

He turns back to her and says
"No, I wanted a regular kit-kat you fat bitch".

I was in the petrol station queue and there was a bloke in front of me his right arm was browner than the other...

He saw me looking, so I nodded to his arm and asked if he was a taxi driver.

He replied, "No. I'm a vet."

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A rich guy goes on holiday

A millionaire decides to go on a touring holiday in Ireland. He drives around the beautiful, lush green countryside in his new Rolls Royce. Eventually he needs some petrol so he pulls in to a tiny petrol station in the middle of nowhere.there is only one ancient, hand operated petrol pump. The owner...

A man needs to inflate his tyres...

...so he stops at a petrol station, and finds that the air pump needs a token from the petrol station shop in order to work.

The man goes in and asks for one of the tokens.

"That will be 25p" says the cashier, who he pays and gets the token.

The man returns to his car and starts...

Man goes to a petrol station.

It's night time and one of those serving hatches. Talks to the girl. Can I have a can of coke and a Kit kat Chunky?

Off the girl goes to get his stuff. "There you go," she says, "One can of coke and a KitKat Chunky."

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kitkat, you fat cow."

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Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

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I walked into my local petrol station..

..yesterday. I asked the girl behind the counter 'can I have a KitKat chunky'.
She come back with a KitKat chunky'.
I said 'i want a normal KitKat you fat bitch'.

Expensive Date

She asked me to take her somewhere really really expensive... So, we enjoyed our first date under the night lights of BPs forecourt petrol station.

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Wife says to husband

Wife - You never take me any where expensive anymore

Husband - Get your coat

Wife - Where we going?

Husband - Fucking petrol station

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The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the West coast of Ireland lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the village’s only undertaker who also happened to be the local p...

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

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Dishes

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.

When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes...

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