UPJOKE
castlegarrisondefensive wallmilitarybuildingcastrafortressfortifywarditchromepostdefenselatinbunker

Fort Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-ville or Loo-ee-ville?

Wrong. It's pronounced Frank-fort.

What do you call a fort made out of doors?

Fort Knocks.

From an Old West fort the sentinel cries out:

\- Captain! The indians are coming!

\- Friends or foes?

\- I think friends Sir, they're coming together!

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

My wife accused me of being immature...

So I told her to get out of my fort.

My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up

I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude

My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.

Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!

What's the difference between a fort and a fortress?

A fortress has breastworks.

My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about ‘how childish I am’

But she didn’t know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn’t get in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point...

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A commander was fighting a barbarian horde

He created a trap of flammable liquid, which set fire to the enemy cavalry, which promptly retreated towards their fort.

The commander promptly went after them with his own elite cavalry, armour shining in the evening sun.

As the burning horsemen stormed in through the gate, the guards...

I was visiting a historic site with a battlefield and two forts. The park ranger told me to be careful as the sun goes down, because the buildings cast a large shadow and it is hard to see where you are walking.

I said, ok I will beware the dark side of the forts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my sex like I like my tree forts

No girls allowed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

General in the desert

This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: "What in God's name do you use that for?", he asks. The corporal replies "Well, sir, there are a lot of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour.

Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.

A Canadian took their keyboard into their clubhouse...

Piano fort, eh?

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Bass says "why dont you kill me"

Megaman says "killing isn't my forte"

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

I guess you could say playing quietly.......

Just isnt my forte

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

In my defence,

I did just build a little fort.

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

What do you call a Mormon from Florida?

A Fort Lauderdale saint.

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This tourist from Japan comes to India.

For sightseeing purposes, he got on a cab. The cab driver took him to The Taj Mahal and proudly said, "This is the Taj Mahal. It took 6000 people 6 years to be built."
The tourist, unimpressed, says "6 fucking years? We can build something like this in 6 months."
The cab driver got a bit upset...

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains.

The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."

The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man ...

I was searching for my kia,

But it’s not my forte .

I used to misread music a lot

I guess you can say that wasn't my forte

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced "Louis-ville" or "Louie-Ville?"

Its pronounced "Frank-fort."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

What are you doing in 2 weeks?

I've got blankets and couches. Lets make it a fort-night

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

...I wanted to design defensive structures for the city....

as it turns out, not my Forte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my teacher asked why I was failing my loud music class...

I told him the subject just wasn't my forte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

I tried to think of a good music joke

But that sort of thing really isn't my forte.

Man on the mountain

One day on a nearby mountain a man stood atop it. He looked at the view and turned his pockets inside out. Powdered gold gushed out at amazing speed as he stood there.

Soon the media caught wind of this and went to investigate. After stuffing as many buckets of gold into their van as they cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two little boys had a redneck cousin come over to spend the night.

While they were playing in their fort one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin's finger. The redneck cousin said OW MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF MY FINGER!

The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that ev...

First day on the job

Jimmy's first day at the adult store went splendid. Until the only other staff member got a call and promptly leaves for an emergency and tells him to 'hold down the fort'. In spite of the initial panic, the first two sales go easily. The third customer comes in and Jimmy greets them confidently....

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

In the 1930s, a guy joins the French Foreign Legion.

He's stationed in the middle of the desert in Algeria. After about 6 months there, he approaches his Sargent and says, "You know, I've been here 6 months and I was wondering . . . What do we do for female companionship?"

The Sarge replies, "About every 8 months a wild herd of camels passes th...

A wife dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven

There she meets with Saint Peter, and he says "Hello, and welcome to Heaven! In order to pass into the Pearly Gates there is one requirement that you must meet, and it's fairly simple. All you have to do is spell a word, any word will do." The woman then replies, "ok, P-U-R-P-L-E, Purple, it's my fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

A joke from Macrobius' "Saturnalia", ca. 5th century

Hereupon Evangelus said: 'Servilius Geminus happened to be dining at the home of Lucius Mallius, then considered the best painter in Rome, when he saw Mallius' two ugly sons: "You don't make children," he said, "the way you make pictures." "That," said Mallius, "is because I make children in the dar...

A man takes his son to see the fortune teller at the carnival

After looking at the crystal ball for a bit, the old gypsy woman is noticeably crestfallen.
"You poor bad-luck child. Tomorrow your pet will die, the week after that your best friend dies, and finally in a fort night your father will die."

The father and son are both shocked and the fath...

Lazy Indians

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.

"Twenty years," replied the guide.

"You Indians are a lazy lot," the tourist said. In my country, this could have...

Telephone Poles

Bell needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for Fort McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Newfoundland and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new ro...

The Legionaire and the Camel

This guy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets sent to a fort way out in the desert, several miles from the nearest town. There are only men at the fort-- no women. After a few months our legionnaire becomes rather desperate for female companionship, so finally he approaches the crusty old sergea...

The Passion Camel

A young man decides to join the foreign legion.

When he arrives at the fort In the middle of the desert he is shown around by the sergeant.

"Hello recruit, this is where you will sleep, this is where I sleep, you eat over there.. and that shed over there, that's the Passion Camel"
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.