Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd cal...

I saw a crippled man in a wheelchair at a gas station once.

He bought a couple of scratch off lottery tickets, scratched the surface with his coin, and shouted with glee, “I won ten thousand dollars!”. Well I was broke, and I needed gas money to get to my shift at work. I asked the crippled man, “excuse me sir? Is there any possible way I could have ten doll...

There is a sign at a gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.'

After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

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I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station...

Ya know, for shits and gigs.

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

Why won't a pimp let his hookers use gas station bathrooms?

Because of the "no merchandise beyond this point" sign.

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Did I tell you about my trick for getting to the front of the line at gas stations?

I call it my gas trick bypass.

Working at a gas station, I never knew I was an "essential working until the pandemic started

I guess nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask.

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

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Two aliens land at a deserted gas station...

Two aliens land at a deserted gas station. They climb out of their space ship and all they can see is a gas pump.

The first alien looks right at the gas pump and says “Take me to your leader”.

Not surprisingly the gas pump says nothing.

The alien repeats “Take me to you lead...

My dream is to create a fragrance that smells like a gas station.

I'd call it Per Fume.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

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Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

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While traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.

The gas station attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, honey?"

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." ...

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

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Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

A man goes to the gas station to buy some condoms

“That’ll be $3.99” says the clerk, “Would you like a bag?”
I replied, “No, she’s actually quite pretty.”

Vaccinating your kid is like banning fire from a gas station

A good idea

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Apparently I’ve been banned from the gas station for playing ‘The Who’ too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.

Now there are cameras everywhere.

Gas station was selling pickles 2 for 1

Dill of the day

I got banned from yet ANOTHER gas station!

What is so wrong with wanting to try on the condoms before buying?!

If my house and the gas station are 1 mile apart

Why has it taken my dad 17 years to get smokes?

I just seen the guy from the fantastic 4 movies at the gas station.

You know the human torch.. I tried to get his autograph but he just kept on rolling around on the floor screaming.

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel...

He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

Why is the air pump at gas stations so expensive?

Inflation.



Credit to @foone on the twitters.

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked...

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I saw a sign on a gas station bathroom the other day

It said "If you voted for Trump, you can't shit here. Your asshole is in Washington DC"

I remember when it used to cost 25 cents to fill my tires at the gas station. Now it costs $1.25!

Inflation is getting out of hand.

If the nearest gas station is 15 kilometers away and the standard walking speed is 5.7 mph,

then why did it take my dad 30 years to buy some milk?

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Man walks into a gas station and buy a pack of 28 condoms

Next Friday he buys another pack and continues every week for a whole year when the store clerk ask man tell me your secret how are you going through this many? There’s only 7 days a week and and your buying over twenty.

The man laughs replies I feed them to my dog so he poops in little bag...

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

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A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minute...

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(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

You may think you're saving money at a self-serve gas station

You're only fueling yourself.

An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.

The attendant looks at the ...

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A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex With Every Fuel Up"...

So after fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "where is my free sex?" "Well there is a catch" replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex" so the man answers 7. "Ah so close it was 8" replies the cashier. A f...

What's the cross between a turtle and a gas station?

Shell

;)

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

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[maybe NSFW] How can you tell that a porn star works at your local gas station?

Right before he's done filling the tank he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the trunk of your car.

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Two aliens arrive at a gas station...

When they land one of the aliens says "Take me to your leader." To a gas pump and the other alien says "Dude I don't think you should mess with him he looks like a badass." The 1st alien persists, "I said take me to your leader!" The 2nd alien says, " Man I'm being serious you should leave him alone...

Today at my gas station job someone told me I’m essential

And it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

My gas station got robbed

My gas station is out of Red Bull because a robber broke in and stole it

I don’t know how they can sleep at night

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

A man arrives at the gas station...

A man arrives at the gas station and begins refueling. The owner of the gas station is nearby and hears strange rumbling and knocking noises from the trunk of the car. Fearing there is a human body in there he runs to the car and opens the trunk. To his amazement, he finds three living penguins who ...

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...

if the gas station is 2 miles away..

..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?

I was at a gas station and I accidentally filled up my escort with diesel.

She died.

A man went to a gas station

To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possess...

I got a part-time job at the gas station glory-hole...

...I make my money on tips.

3 motorcycle bullies walk into a gas station.

3 men had arrived at a gas station using their motorcycles. Inside, was an elderly trucker, eating a pie by himself. The first man walked up to him and spit in his pie. The second man shoves his cigarette into his pie, and the third man knocks it onto the ground. Without a word, he leaves the gas st...

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A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free sex with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free sex. The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."

Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free sex. Keep on trying is the attendant advice....

My car loves going to the gas station

It really gets him pumped up

I was at a gas station...

I was at a gas station filling up my car. Nearby I see a woman smoking a cigarette.

I tell her, “You should stop that it’s dangerous.”

She ignores me and continues smoking.

A few seconds later her arm catches on fire and she starts waving it around trying to put it out.

I...

I went to go buy condoms at the gas station

Clerk asked if I needed a bag. I said yeah I might need one, she's pretty ugly.

A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.

The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."

Son: "dad, don't."

Father: *sweats profusely*

Cashier: "sir?"

Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

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Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave

Sometimes you do none of the work

Sometimes you have to pay the person filling

Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

John goes to the gas station

John goes to the gas station and asks the owner: What does a drop of gas cost? The owner answers that he could get a drop for free. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops.

I pulled into a gas station

As I walked in to buy some coffee, I passed a woman who was smoking while she filled her car with gas.

I passed two police officers, while heading in and I was shaking my head about the stupidity.

When I came out, I see the woman with her arm on fire, screaming and waving it back and f...

You walk into a gas station to buy a salad

You have two choices: regular or unlettuced.

What do you call a family that runs a gas station?

Pump kin.

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

Why don't you see mumble rappers at gas stations?

You can't fuel up your car with a Lil' Pump.

Seen on a gas station board

What is a ghostly turkey called?

A poultry-geist

A man driving down Route 66 stops by a gas station for the restroom...

Upon entering the store he sees the hot blonde behind the counter and asks her to use the restroom. She gives him the key and the man rushes to take care of business. After finishing he notices there's no toilet paper around and nothing else to wipe with. Then he spots a sign on the wall that reads ...

A guy in a jeep stops to put air in his tire at a gas station.

The air costs 25 cents. He walks into the gas station and hands the attendant 25 cents. The attendant looks at his jeep with a New England Patriots cover on the spare tire and says here you can have your quarterback.

A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service.

I walked in and hired myself.



credit: Steven Wright

A truck driver stops at a gas station with a penguin in the passenger seat.

The owner from the gas station asks where the penguin comes from.

"I found him on the highway, what should I do?", the driver replies.
- "You have to take him to the zoo!"
The truck driver nods and drives away.

3 days later the truck driver came to the gas station again. Surprise...

My brother and I work together at a gas station, filling cars

I now call him pump-kin.

Match at a gas station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.

"It would go out," the ...

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A pair of golfers in a convertible pull into a full service gas station.

A blonde attendant fills up the tank then approaches the driver for payment. As he reaches into his pocket for some cash he also produces a couple of tees.
The blonde asks, "What are those?"
The driver says, "They're tees. They hold your balls while you're driving."
Astonished, the blonde s...

So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions..

she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?"

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

Saw a sign at a gas station earlier that said "car wash out of order."

So I waxed my car, sprayed it with water and then applied soap.

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I walked into a gas station and asked, "Can I have a Kit-Kat chunky?"

The lady behind the counter came back with a Kit-Kat Chunky.

I said, "No, I wanted a normal Kit-Kat you fat bitch."

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