UPJOKE
universgenerbrilliancysertissointerneclasseexcellencesmoyenvenirannuellibressoloistsnaturellecommun

Outstand Jokes

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

I received a letter stating I have outstanding debt.

I thought, “Why yes, it is pretty fantastic!”

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today.

Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?

Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

"Sir, your balance is outstanding."

I know my balance is outstanding, I've been skateboarding for years, but I fail to see how that's going to help me pay back this debt!

How did the locomotive become so outstanding in his field?

He trained hard.

Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.

Props to him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

hhhh u got an outstanding wife

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better ...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

Great news, my boss said I have an outstanding report!

Funny, thing is I don't remember doing one.

I was so excited when all my teachers called my work outstanding

I haven't even handed it in yet!

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

Got a letter from the tax office saying my tax was outstanding.

Which was a nice surprise, because I don't even remember doing it.

There are many already outstanding reasons not to leave one's automated cloning machine out in the forest...

...but the obvious bears repeating.

A Swedish man shows up to a job interview

The interviewer says, "Mr. Gustafson, could you explain the 4 year gap in your resume?"

"I went to Yale", he replied.

"Outstanding! What did you go to Yale for?"

"Yacking off in the library"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I‘m so good with managing money

I got a letter from a debt collector saying ‘outstanding payment’

There is an outstanding warrant for a man with a prosthetic leg who was caught importing drugs. But after a year, he has still not been caught

Police say they're stumped

I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow

But he's outstanding in his field!

I’m doing pretty well financially these days.

My bank just said my debt is outstanding!

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

I got a boot on my car for what I thought were just average parking tickets.

As it turns out, they were outstanding.

Funny isn't it??

Me – “I am amazing at managing my credit card”

Because my bank keeps sending me messages saying my account is ***outstanding***!

I should really think about becoming a tightrope walker

Even the bank says my balance is outstanding!

People say I'm just an old drunk who can't stand up straight, let alone pay my debts.

But, joke is on them! My bank just notified me that I have "Outstanding Balance".

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

A corny "dad joke" about farmers

Why are farmers always the best, most awesome and inspiring people?





Because they're always outstanding in their field

A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

A handsome duck walks into a bar [OC I hope]

The bartender takes one look at the duck and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

The duck asks “Why not?”

“Because you have an outstanding bill.”

The employees at my bank are soo nice these days!

Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

My bank just complimented me

They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud

I am really good at finances

All my bills are outstanding

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

How is it I'm so much more famous a ballerina than I thought?

I get compliments on my routines, my form, my posture... everything. But I find it particularly ridiculous that even when I receive *bills* the companies feel the need to highlight my outstanding balance. Like... come on, you don't even *know* me!

Just moved out on my own and am doing really well...

All my bills say im outstanding

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

I've decided to become a tightrope walker!

I figured I should give it a try since all my credit card companies say my balance is outstanding!

I have the best debts in the world!

Every single one of them is Outstanding!

The teacher arrived in class and told me to leave

She said I was outstanding

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.