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Officially Jokes

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

50 Cent has officially changed his name

It’s now 3.50 to adjust for inflation.

With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

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If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

In honor of McConnell and Feinstein, C-SPAN is officially changing its name

It will now be called "Different Strokes"

Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US.

Trump will make America grate again.

Spring has officially arrived in Ontario.

The Leafs are out.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we ...

Winter is officially over!

Just saw 2 crackheads carry a space heater into a pawn shop.

Have you heard 69ing will now officially be known as 96ing?

Due to inflation, eating out has gone up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im proud to announce, that I officially lost my virginity

God I wish I could post this in another subreddit

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

NASCAR is officially canceled

After discovering it's just a human traffic ring

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.

The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name.

Say hello to your new Cleveland Redskins!

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

PSA: Hindsight is officially out of style

It's sooooo 2020.

Pennsylvania can now officially say that they are more English than American now.

If you ask why, it's because: Pittsburgh Bridge Has Fallen Down

Syria has officially split into two separate countries.

They are now SyriA and SyriB

Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

I’m officially 3 months clean...

I have successfully taken a shower everyday for the past 90 days, hope this can continue!

The Washington Redskins just officially announced they are retiring their team name and logo.

The new team name is going to be the Washington Engines.

It's new year, I can officially say that I haven't showered since last year

And a half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new officially branded Robocop vibrator?

Some people are saying it's too strong or two intimidating. As just a point of this, as soon as you switch it on, a mechanical voice yells, "dead or alive, you're cumming with me!"

Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it’s officially ‘18

Breaking News: Snoopy has officially been retired from comics.

He was tired of working for Peanuts.

I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

I'm officially starting my campaign next election

And my slogan will be "Hindsight 2020"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

I'm the officially the main owner of Old McDonald's Farm...

I'm the CIEIO!

I'm now officially a member of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M

The Association for Chronic Inability to Identify Capital Letters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

Why did it take Joe so long to officially announce his 2020 campaign?

He was Biden his time.

Now that I have officially divorced my wife, and she has chosen to keep my last name.

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

I'm officially putting my GPA up for adoption...

I just can't raise it myself

[joke credit to the girl I overheard say it in the library]

"My wife is officially pregnant" "Congratzs do you already know what it's gonna be?

A single mother

The New York Yankees Officially Sign Adrian Peterson

They needed a good switch hitter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My "go-to" joke in middle school. Mildly NSFW

Superman was flying around the city and was super horny. He spotted Wonder Woman lying on top of a building naked, with her legs spread. He figured he could fly down there, fuck her super fast, and be outta there before she even knew what happened. So Superman flew down at incredible speed, hit it h...

Prior to officially becoming a part of the United States, what was Oregon like?

It was very unOregonized.

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