UPJOKE
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What did the shoelace get for Christmas?

Coal. He was on the knotty list.

Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

To be successful in life, you have to pull yourself up by your shoelaces!

Unfortunately, I’m from Kentucky

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

What did the shoelace say when it was trying to be funny?

A not knot joke.

Three shoelaces are walking down the sidewalk when they come across a bar

A sign sits in front of the bar which reads, “no shoelaces aloud” the first shoelace says, “no sign can stop me!” And makes his way into the bar, the barkeeper notices the shoelace, and says, “hey! You’re a shoelace, no shoelaces are aloud in my bar!” And he grabs the shoelace by the neck, and throw...

I tripped over my shoelaces one day and got arrested.

I guess it was a felony.

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

Why did JR Smith trip over his shoelaces?

Because he thought they were tied.

Why did the teacher tie all of her student's shoelaces together?

She wanted to take a class trip.

When I'm high, I don't tie my shoelaces

And I'm trippin'!

Shoelaces are like women.

If you do them too tight it's uncomfortable.

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are climbing a mountain...

Three men are climbing a mountain. As they are going over a particularly narrow and dangerous path a strong wind gust blows them over the mountain ridge and they start falling in a deep canyon.

Luckily on the way down the first man manages to grab a branch of a small tree growing from the sid...

I just saw Paddy in the Supermarket.

I noticed one of his shoelaces was undone, I said watch you don't trip over your laces Paddy.

Paddy says "yeah it's the bloody instructions."

I said, "what instructions Paddy?"

Paddy says, "underneath the shoe, it says "Taiwan."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

At a shoe shop, a teenage centipede said to his Mum

Remember Mum, no shoelace please...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to tie the knot.

She said, "Do your own fucking shoelaces."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

When you are getting Old....

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

A string walks into a bar...

So a shoelace walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender looks at him and responds: "We don't serve shoelaces here, leave."

The shoelace, rather put out, exits the establishment, and proceeds to tie himself into a knot. He then returns to the bar and, again, orders a sco...

Two Men are walking in the woods...

When they come upon a Grizzly Bear. The first man bends down quickly and begins to tighten shoelaces.

The second man says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

As the first man begins to stretch he replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

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