UPJOKE
barefootedfootwearsandalfrostbitesolegymnasticsmoccasinmartial artsthailandbeach volleyballaimlesslywanderingwalkingwanderedsurfing

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

Who should direct the eventual Coronavirus movie where people are barefoot inside their homes?

Quentin Quarantino

Abebe Bikila famously won the 1960 Olympic marathon while running barefoot.

Do you think his opponents tasted defeet?

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

What do you call a Monk with osteoporosis who likes eating onions and walks everywhere barefoot

He’s a Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

Gandhi, as you know, would walk barefoot everywhere...

...and as a result he developed these massive callouses on his feet. He would also fast, from time to time. Because of this lack of food his bones became extremely brittle. It would also give him hallucinations from time to time. Finally, Gandhi never really had the time to clean his teeth and he be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon?

"Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!"

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celtic vs. Rangers

(Celtic and Rangers are rival Scottish football teams, the fans are *not* fond of each other.)

At the Celtic vs. Rangers match, Jimmy, a Celtic fan accidentally ends up with the Rangers fans.

To his bad luck, he is spotted just as Celtic score.
A huge, drunk and angry Scotsman walks...

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:

 

-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the stree...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight Loss Challenge

A man calls a company and purchases their 5lbs in 5 days weight loss challenge. The next morning he gets a knock at the door, he answers to find this woman standing there naked and wearing a sign that says "If you can catch me, you can have me." She takes off running and the man takes off after her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you sure?

So a man dies and is sent to hell.

When he gets there the devil says "hey you know what? I'm in a good mood today so I'll let you pick your eternity here from these 3 doors"

The man says ok and opens the first door.

Behind door #1 was a lion eating a man alive, every time the li...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

A Police Officer Knocks on a Woman's Front Door

A police officers knock on a woman's front door.

Woman: "Hello officer!"

Officer: "Hi mam, I come bearing grim news I'm afraid"

Woman: "and what's that now?!"

Officer: "Well I regret to inform you that your husband and young son's bodies were found. Luckily they both were...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 good arguments that Jesus was black [long]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33 <...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."

Oh my God, I can't believe it...

He was a Super Callous Frag...

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

A brother and a sister are hanging out...

and the brother is barefoot. He notices his sister has been staring at his feet for awhile, so he asks,

Bro: “What’s up, why are you staring at my feet?”

Sis: “Well, i was just curious...”

Bro: “About?”

She points to his big toe

Sis: “Is that the process which moth...

A blonde was on vacation in Louisiana with her boyfriend

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay a fortune for them. So she headed out to the swamp, determined to catch herself an alligator. Her boyfriend stayed at the hotel.
Later that day, she stood waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. She he...

The slippers

This is more like a funny story not a joke to me. I'm not a native English speaker, so my English is not that well.

Madurese, a tribe from Indonesia, are known to be very religious but, unfortunately, bad tempered and proud.

(OP is Madurese) It goes like this:



One day, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

Top 10 worst jokes!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."


3.Two peanuts walk into a ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.

"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.

The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl on the beach

A muscular young man was walking along the beach at sunset. The beach was empty save one lovely young woman sitting in a wheelchair.

As the young man drew near, he perceived that the girl was crying.

"Fair lady", he said "why do you sit here on the beach watching this lovely sunset and...

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

Before you criticize a gunman you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you'll be out of range and he'll be barefoot.

Always helpful...

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

So we all know about Gandhi right?

Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses an...

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding...

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At ...

A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum.

On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.

When he woke up, his shoes were gone.

Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.

After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned ...

My dad's Gandhi joke

How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside. He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can't remember t...

Did you hear about the Shaman?

He chose to walk the world barefoot which caused he feet to blister a thousand times over.

He ate only bugs and berries that he found in nature which caused him to became very frail.

This diet also caused him to be plagued with horribly bad breath.

He was known as the Supe...

Confucius say...

Man who walks everyday barefoot will have a tough sole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was invited to a costume party and didn't have money for a costume.

I showed up at the door barefoot, shirtless, and wearing nothing but a pair of khaki slacks and no underwear.

When the host asked what I was supposed to be, I replied: "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

Because he was barefooted!!!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.