To err is human,

to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves to the countryside.

His neighbour comes over and invites him to a party. The neighbour says there will be some drinking, some wrestling, and some fucking. The guy says "Err what time should I come over?". The neighbour says "Any time it'll just be the two of us"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman finds a Genie lamp and brings it home...

She decides to polish it and rubs it with a cloth.

*POOF!* a Genie appears

Genie: "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you three wishes. What will they be?"

Old woman, shocked: "Eh...Um.. Err. I GOT IT! Make me a young and rich queen!"

Genie snaps his fingers and she turns...

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

To err is human...

To admit it, now that's a mistake!

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

So this guy comes into a bar.... err...

So this guy comes into a bar.... err...

Hold on, it was actually a horse.

Let me restart this.

Ok, so this guy comes into a horse

Patrick O’Leary passed away at his job at the brewery.

His workmates realized that they would have to be the ones to inform his widow of his passing.

They trooped over to Patrick’s cottage at the end of their shift and solemnly gathered in a semicircle before the door. The foreman politely knocked. Mrs. O’Leary opened it, and looked at the assemb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy with a speech problem goes shopping.

(Sorry in advance for grammar mistakes)


There was a young boy with a speech problem, so he used to say words incorrectly.

One day, his mother asked him to go to the shops to get a bun, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel. So he went to the baker and says "Can I have a bum please?"
...

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says "ri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman read, in Cosmo, that milk is really good for your skin.

Now this was a woman who wanted perfect skin all over so her master-plan was to fill up a bath, with milk, and soak for a few hours.

The next morning, the milkman arrived at the door and she asked "Hey, Mr Milkman, I wonder if you can help me here?"

"Of course, what's the problem?" he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A salesman comes knocking...

After a fair bit of time and some noises that sounded like stumbling about, the door opens.

Coming from the house was loud jazz flute music and the distinct smell of weed.

The salesman looked down to see a kid standing impatiently at the door with what looked to be an exhausted meth-h...

The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.

“Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.

"Err, this isn't the right sub."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

Cow jokes, if you're in the mooOoood....

What do you call a cow with two short legs?


Lean beef.



What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.



Why did the cow get an award?

It was out standing in the field.



What do you call a cow after an abortion?
Decalfeinat...

Son, sit on my knee.

What is it dad?

Son, do you know what adoption is?

Err yes, yes I do dad.

Well, your mother and I were thinking about getting you a cat...

Phew, dad.

Yes son. We thought it might be a nice present for an adopted kid.

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis?

Err, ahh, lightbulb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

An American walks into an Irish pub

An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"

"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.

"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

At a bar, I met an old friend of mine.

We chatted a bit and I asked what he'd become.
"I'm a logician", he said.
"A logician? What's that?", I asked confusedly.
"Well, let me explain. Have you got a fish tank?"
"Err, yes..."
"So you have got fishes, too."
"Indeed."
"If you got fishes, you probably also have children...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Truly old, but still one of my favorites: A six-year-old boy and his grandpa are sitting at a table.

The grandpa is sitting on a rocking chair, eating his cookies. The boy asks him:

-Can you give me some of your cookies?

-Can your pee-pee reach your butthole?

-Err... no...

-Then you're not old enough, kid.


A few years pass and the two find themselves in a simi...

A man sees a boy smoking and drinking

A man walks home late at night, and suddenly saw an 8-year old boy with a smoking cigarette, drinking from a half-empty bottle of scotch. Outraged, he screams at the kid:

"What the hell are you doing? Those things are very bad for you health, and you're far too young to even consider this!"...

After hearing about how her son was involved in a tragic accident, the mother rushes to the hospital

There she sees her son lying in a coma in bed with a doctor watching over him.

Completely disheartened, she asks the doctor:

"What state is my son in?"

To which the doctor replies:

"Err, Oregon?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and a wife are having an argument while driving... NSFW

... Out of rage, the wife chops off her husbands penis and throws it out the window. It hits a car travelling in the opposite direction. Meanwhile in the other car, a father and his young daughter were driving. Suddenly BOOM a penis smacks their windshield and it flies off.

The daughter asks...

A football manager signs his new star...

A manager for a football club signs his new star, a centipede. It’s the debut game for their new club and all the other players are out on the field when the match starts. The team starts conceding goals and is down 5-0 at half time.

During the break, the manager substitutes the centipede o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George W. Bush

wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.



"Dick", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Cheney, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hippy and the nun

A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8...

[Long Winded] So the local church bell ringer dies.

There is a small village in rural England, which has a church. In the church lives a priest and the bell ringer. One morning the priest doesn't hear the morning bell ring so he goes to the bell ringers room to check on him. When he enters the room he sees the bell ringer dead in his bed.

The ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants

The bartender says, "Are you aware there is a steering wheel in your pants?"


Which the pirate replies, "Err, and it's driving me nuts!"

EDIT to fix layout and to say kind of NSFW

Boss says, "its the 3rd time you've been late this week! Do you know what that means??"

Me, "err... It's Wednesday?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl just got her new mirror and asks it...

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful of all?

And the mirror answers:
"Yiu err hte meost beutifel off ael"

...every fucking time I try to assemble this IKEA shit

A few Turks were discussing where to live

Turk 1: Shall we live in the coup?
Turk 2: err, dogan.

A New Zealander and his son

The mother of a New Zealand family passed away, leaving behind her husband and son. They were poor farmers and in order to give his son a better life, the father sent the son away to university.

It's been a year, and the son didn't contact his father even once. Two years, and still not a word...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men survive a shipwreck...

When the early explorers came to the Caribbean, one of the first ships encountered a huge storm and went down. Only the captain, the first mate, and the bosun survived.

Unfortunately they were also immediately captured by the cannibalistic indigenous tribe, the "Caribs". They were told that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stepdad calling babestation.

"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"

"Michael. My name's Michael."

"Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael."

"Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please."

The taxi driver

A British and a United States Architects arrived at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport in Jakarta Indonesia for a Building Convention.

They knew each other, arrived at about the same time, planned to stay at the same hotel, and they have both been to Indonesia before, so they agreed to shar...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.