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Slept Jokes

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

Chuck Norris slept with a hooker.

When they were done, she paid him.

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with?

Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

My husband told me he'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

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Just slept with a species from another genus.

No Homo.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

I just slept with this smoking hot girl...

It was a lucky strike.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

I slept with a rich girl once.

Got lobsters.

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I slept with my counselor's wife.

Now he's a thera-pissed.

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

Man to woman: "So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?

Woman : "I only slept with you. With all the others, I wasn't sleeping. "

I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

I slept like a baby last night

That's right, I woke up every two hours, shat myself and then cried.

A woman hasn’t slept in 4,102 nights

She works the night shift

Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”

Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

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No one who has slept on my couch has gotten pregnant.

It’s a pull out couch.

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Boy, I slept like a baby.

I woke up screaming every 30 minutes and was obsessed with boobs all night long.

I just slept with a celebrity!

I'm infamous now

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Yesterday I slept for seven hours straight….

…..and for one hour gay.

I accidentally slept with my third cousin.

The first two were better.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

My college girlfriend had never slept with a guy on the spectrum before she dated me.

So I guess I took her neurodiverginity.

Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?"

Wife: "zero"

Husband really happy: "really?"

Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"

Ok bye

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My girlfriend asked me to paint her whilst she slept.

I thought I did an amazing job, but I don't think she was very impressed.

First thing she said when she woke up was "I've got to be at work in 20 minutes you fucking idiot".

Maybe she didn't like the colour.

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"How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before.

She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all...

When I was a kid some guy said he slept with my mom last night. I told him he was a liar, cos I slept with my mom last night.

Looking back, I now realize what I said

Fact: Xi Jinping once slept in a house in Iowa

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
...

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My wife got upset that I slept with a Russian woman...

...until I told her it wasn't an affair, just a special sexual operation.

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear

"Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

I haven't slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

-Mitch Hedberg

Why can't the Afghani girl tell everyone the amount of guys she's slept with?

Because there's a Tally ban keeping her from doing so.

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Who slept with my wife?

A man walks into a bar with a gun. Cocks it and asks, "Who here slept with my wife?"

A voice from the back replied, "You don't have enough bullets."

My wife slept with a black guy from Thailand.

It was a black Thai affair.

I count women who I slept with when I try to sleep.

\- Why not sheep?

\- I only had one sheep.

My wife said she slept with a man during her trip to South America.

I said, "I don't Bolivia."

"I heard you slept with my woman," said this guy in the pub.

"You've got the wrong person," I replied.

"So you didn't sleep with her?"

"No, I did." I added. "I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

I slept funny last night

I guess that's what I get for dating a comedian

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each o...

I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in.

Guess I'm not a mourning person.

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Doctor Ben slept with one of his patients...

Doctor Ben had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Ben, don't...

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A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking...

I haven't slept for 30 days!

I sleep at night instead.

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I slept with a Blind Girl

She kept telling me how huge my cock was but I'm pretty sure she was just pulling my leg.

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

My best friend slept through a burglary.

He was a terrible getaway driver.

I think my girlfriend has slept with 61 people before me

She keeps calling me her 62nd lover

I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.

Yep, home schooling has its perks.

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night."

The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

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Sam's girlfriend asked if he had ever slept with a prostitute

Sam says "Darling, i've never told you this, but you were my first and only. I have never been with any woman other than you."

Sam's girlfriend gives him a huge hug and kiss in relief. As they hug Sam says "So to answer your question, yes."

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

I assured my wife she's the only one I've ever slept with

The others have mostly been eight and nines.

(Credit: Dan Mintz stand-up)

Two rednecks were fishing when one asked the other "If I slept with your wife, would that make us be like family?"

His friend replied "No, that make us even"

I asked my boss if he slept with my wife

He said no. I told him he should, she's better in bed than his wife.

By the way, anyone got a job for me?

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

How many of you have ever slept with your best friend?

I did. It was fun, but really awkward the next day.


I couldn't look him in the eye. Couldn't make his breakfast. Couldn't take him for walks...

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I slept with a blind woman last night

She said “ you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen” and I said “ no you’re just pulling my leg”

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"

A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

I think I mistakenly slept with my girlfriend's twin and I feel horrible

I didn't realize it until he took off his condom.

How did ancient Greeks keep tabs on their infants while they slept at night?

They used a baby minotaur.

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I slept with a sex problem on my mind

But woke up with the solution at hand

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My mate said he slept with a girl called Gibberish.

Fucking nonsense if you ask me.

All the women I have slept with have one thing in common

They have incredibly low standards.

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time is not the charm

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

I had a classmate who slept with our professor for an "A"

She technically still got a "D"

Today I slept with a girl in an apple orchard...

She let me come in cider

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

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A girl I slept with said my penis was average...

Women can be so mean

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

I slept like a rock

At the bottom of the ocean with a mob boss attached to it

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Slept with a new girl last night.

She asked if I deliver furniture for a living because I gave her some Badcock.

I slept with 4 girls last night...

And the floor of the hotel room killed my back.

After turning off the constantly beeping machine, my grandpa finally slept better

No idea why the doctors and nurses were screaming though

This is a presentation of top 10 women I have slept with before

That’s the end of my presentation

I asked a Welshman how many people he had slept with

He started counting and then just fell asleep

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My friend asked me how I slept last night.

I told him "I slept like a baby"

He responded "that's great!"

I don't understand why he thinks it's great to wake up 15 times in the middle of the night, crying for my parents, and pooping in my diaper?

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