If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

A cop lies in wait as a group leaves a bar

Finally closing time, he dims his lights and waits for the group to get in their vehicles.

As the people get to their cars, the first car to leave the parking lot swerves a bit, pops the curb slightly, continues on and gets back on the road and makes a slow start to head home. Seeing this, th...

What does every tickle me Elmo get before it leaves the factory?

Two test tickles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

Why do leaves change color in Autumn?

Because instead of chlorophyll, they chloro-empty.

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

How does a frog get its leaves from a tree?

They rippit

What did the fallen leaves say to the gardener?

Blow me

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There's this really shy guy who never leaves his room.

Although he is desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he's terribly self- conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye.

Finally, his best friend says, "Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you've simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the dance on Sat...

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

I hate it when people leave the door open...

It leaves me pretty unhinged

What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

How much storage frees up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB

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A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

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