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Scab Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "What'd you do this weekend?"

The guy says, "I picked off a scab."

"Oh, so it wasn't very eventful?"

"Well, actually, I'm on strike with the sniper's union."

I had a SCAB but I picked the bottom right hand corner of it...

No I have a SCAR.

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I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

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Picking a scab is like masturbating

You don’t tell anyone your doing it until you start to bleed.

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

Had scab soup today

made it from scratch.

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the scabs that were on your arms?"

"Shut up and eat your cornflakes."

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Man in brothel is having the worst sex of his life. It’s hurting him and he states as much. She says oh I can fix that for an extra $5 sweetie. It’s well worth it! He agrees and she leaves then returns true to her word. It’s now the best he’s ever had and finishes quickly. Asks what her secret is.

Oh no big secret honey. For an extra $5 I pick out the scabs

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I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

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The bet

Me: Bet you $10 you can't fit my dick in your mouth without gagging.
Her: That's a bet you're gonna lose.
Me: *unzips
Her: Yeah, no prob. *kneels, begins
Me: If you feel something rough it's just a scab...
Her: *gags
Me: I won...

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Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

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There are two men hiking through the jungle

They come across a village of native Indians who take them hostage. The leader tells them that they have two options for punishment. Death or boomba?

“Well I don’t wanna die so I’ll choose boomba” says the first guy.

Then comes out boomba. A 700 hundred pound naked man covered in wart...

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

Jimmy gets off work and heads to his local brothel.

When he arrives he says to the clerk, I can only spare a few dollars what can this get me? So the clerk reaches all the way to the top hook and hands him a key and says down the hall, last door on the left.

When Jimmy gets in the room its pretty dark but he manages to make his way over to th...

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Night to remember

A man is super horny and goes to a brothel but it's new years eve and everyone is booked out. He eventually finds the manager and begs.The manager is firm it's new years there no one free desperate the man says he'll pay double. The manager thinks for a moment and says well there is someone but i wo...

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The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

An elderly man is getting married to his trophy wife, who refused to sleep with him until they were married.

The night of the wedding the both start undressing at their hotel. When he took his socks off, she saw that his toes were all deformed and bent. She asked "what the hell is that?"
"Tolio" the man replies.
"Don't you mean polio?" asked the women.
"Nope, when it's in your toes its called ...

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

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Three men are lost in the woods..

The men are lost and starving when they come across a house occupied by an old lady. So they knock on the door and ask if they can have some food she says yes but only if one of the men eats her out so one of the men steps up and says he'll do it. After the old lady takes him to her bedroom she take...

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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A guy gets turned down by every girl he approaches in the bar (NSFW)

Since closing time is only minutes away, he heads outside trying to figure how he won't have to spend the night alone. He sees a local street walker up the road, and decides to pick her up. They check into a rent by the hour motel, wasting no time getting to business. The man stops his new lady frie...

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A man walks into a brothel

A poor man walks into a brothel, and tell the pimp in charge he only has $5 to spend. The pimp, thinks for a moment, and then sends him to the last door at the end of the corridor, to a woman named Anna.
Anna looks fine enough, so the man is a little confused as he was expecting far worse. In no ...

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The cheap prostitute

So a man looks around to find the cheapest prostitute he can that is willing to fuck him. Eventually he came across this hooker who was rather ugly, but she was willing to fuck for a mere $15.


Well he thought to himself "pussy is pussy", turns out the lights and goes to town.


...

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

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The 15 Dollar Hooker

A guy is really horny and wants to have sex, but he doesn't have a girlfriend and is sort of a loser. So, he goes on the street and picks up a $15 hooker. He takes her to a motel and starts fucking her, but runs into a problem: she's crusty and disgusting.

He tells her, "I can't do this anymo...

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Ten Dollars

A man walks into a Texas bar with only ten dollars and a longing desire for a night of casual love-making. He asks the bartender if any of the ladies-of-the-night in town would accept ten dollars as payment. the bartender smirks and says "Alright, for ten bucks, the only pussy you'll get tonight is ...

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

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[NSFW][LONG]It gets lonely out at sea

A sailor has been out at sea for 6 months and when his boat finally arrived in Bangkok he decided to seek some companionship. The problem was that he hadn't gotten paid yet and all he had was 75 cents and the bus costs 25 cents each way but he was determined so he hopped on the bus to the red light ...

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A man finally get out of jail...

...after spending 28 years on the inside for multiple felonies. And just like any other male that hasn't touched a woman after 28 years, he wanted to get some ass. Unfortunately this guy had gotten taken to jail with only $40, so that is what he had when he was released.
Without wasting anytim...

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