Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A Polish man was getting his eyesight tested

The optician brings out a card with the letters

C R W I N O K S T A Z

"Can you read the letters" asks the optician.

The Polish man:"Read it? I know the guy."

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older...

It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

Man visits doctor for deteriorating eyesight.

Man: My eyes are getting worse and now I can't even read books.

Doctor, pointing out the window: Can you tell me what is that?

Man: It's.. the Sun, doc.

Doctor: You can go home, your eyes are good.

Man, confused: What do you mean? You haven't conducted any test.

Do...

"Doctor, I have problems with my eyesight.”

“Damn straight you do. This is a hot dog stand."

A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.

It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.

His friend said "stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you're able to see a pin stuck in t...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

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Masturbation isn't bad only for your eyesight

My wife caught me masturbating to her sisters pictures and said " we can't see each other anymore ".

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theater to watch a mime show.

The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.
The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row. He then ask, "Can you see me now?"
The men Respond:
YES
OUI
SI
JA

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

I thought I was losing my eyesight while scrolling Reddit in the middle of the night.

Apparently there are a lot of blurry images if you're sorted by New in All at 3 in the am.

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”

The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.

"I see the Sun," answer the man.

The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”

My eyesight has improved over the past few years

But I really wished I had 20/20 vision a few years back

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

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Best joke I’ve ever seen

It was a rainy night, 7th of October 2009 if I recall correctly, I was in camp with my friend roasting 2 marshmellow bags we bought, beautiful sight of the river, he told me this one thing that’s stuck with me:

“Did you know too much sex can cause bad eyesight, bad hearing, inability to recei...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?

Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight?

Because their pupils are small.

Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20

He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”



The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.



“They’r...

The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

My New year resolution is to have better eyesight

I am aiming for 2020 vision.

My eye doctor just told me my eyesight is so perfect I can see into next year!

He called it “2020 Vision.”

Larry goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

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An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.

Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought “He does not hav...

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

What do you call a deer with a good eyesight?

A good idea.

Eyesight

My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.

Finally, I have 2020 vision.

A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor complaining of poor eyesight in his left eye.

The doctor says “I see you have a cataract”. The Chinese man says, "No I don't...I have a rincoln continental."

Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20.

You have to be able to C#.

My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

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Read the whole thing, it’s worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex

The hospital in their defense stated “all we did was correct his eyesight”

My brother lost his eyesight in a motorboating accident.

Her nipples were pierced.

Doctor: So I've been told there's a problem with the eyesight?

John Cena: Yeah. You can't see me.

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

My girlfriend has terrible eyesight...

she's always accidentally sleeping with other guys. Poor girl.

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A new study shows that men's eyesight improves by an average of 15% when they are looking at a woman's butt.

Hindsight really is 20/20.

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

Frank’s old dog Spot …

.. had a bit of a trouble sometimes winding his way through the furniture without bumping into something now and again. Growing concerned, Frank took him to the veternarian for an examination.


“What seems to be the problem?” asked the vet.


“Well,” said Frank, “I am concerne...

I told my wife I was feeling down.

I said "Honey, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a fat, ugly pig. I really you to say something nice about me."

She said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

Why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight?

They should be eating oranges because they have vitamin C. haha

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

They say: carrots are good for your eyes...

... but enough alcohol doubles your eyesight ;-))))

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I asked the Doctor.

Me: Does Masturbation cause poor eyesight.?


Doctor: "you're in Walmart mate."

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

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A women sued the hospital...

*A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after* *they treated her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.*


*A hospital spokesman replied, the man was admitted in Ophthalmology.*


*All we did was correct his eyesight.*

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror

She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as hell. How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"


The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."

My new phone app...

I meant to download a calendar app for my phone, by my eyesight is so bad I downloaded a colander app... now my battery just keeps draining.

So I stopped by the optometrist yesterday, for an eye examine

He told me, my eyesight was so bad, 20/20 might be the only responsible way to describe it.

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

My favorite Engineering Joke (Thinking like an engineer)

A threesome is playing golf on a very nice golf course; a preacher, a doctor and an engineer. They're moving along really slow because the foursome in front of them is playing too slow. They catch up to one of the caddies from the foursome and ask him, "Hey can we play through?"

The caddie ...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers one morning

The engineer was pretty angry:
"What about them? We have to wait here for 15 minutes!"
The doctor agrees:
"I don't know, but I've never seen such an inability!"
The pastor said:
"Hey, here comes the groundsman. Let's talk to him! Hey, George, what about this one?
The group in fr...

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A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

Little John

Little John will have visits in her home. So, the mother tell him:
-"Little John, this night we will receive visits. Please, whatever it happens you don't do nothing and try not to talk. She is my boss and bring her son who don't have any ears!!!"

LJ- "don't worry old lady!"

M-"WHAT...

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Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, “Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my boobs sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!”

Husband: “Well, at least your eyesight is okay!”

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

An elderly couple are getting ready

For a date, as the wife steps out of the shower she looks in the mirror and says “I’ve got wrinkles all over, my hair is grey, I’m fatter than when we got married and things aren’t hanging where they used to be.” She turns to her husband and says “I feel down right ugly I need a complement.” After t...

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tak...

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

There's a fly in my soup !

Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best En...

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