UPJOKE
squeezepresschokeconstrictcompactcontractcondenseconvulsecompressionpacktightenstranglebear downdecompressforce

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

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I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video

sigh... *unzips*

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My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... *unzips*

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

What did the dinosaur say while it was being compressed?

RAR.

The lions roar was so big that when I compressed it ..

it turned out to be a " .Rawr " file.

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If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

If we were compressed down to a single dimension ...

what would be the point of it all?

What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed?

NYC subway commuters.

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

I saw a little person at a Halloween party. He was dressed as Prince Andrew but hauling around a small compressor with him.

I approached him and asked what the deal was and he told me he was "compressed heir."

Nerdy pickup line

Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar.

^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach...

Watson asks Holmes

What type of rock is this? It has many layers compressed together.

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