Locked Jokes

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my... read more

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

He should have hired her!

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

As communication is key.

Because all the movies Disney sent to the theaters in 2023 turned out to be bombs! Ahahahahaha!

The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph... read more

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p... read more

I stepped out to feed the cat at 5am while everyone was still fast asleep. The door shut and locked me outside. I tried calling the wife multiple times with no answer. I tried taping on her window, banging on her window, tapping on my sons window, banging on his window, and lastly the doorbell. This... read more

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

"Oh, pun the door"

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

because he had 'gnocchi'

It was a Wookie mistake!

Gnocchi

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d... read more

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”

The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the to... read more

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

but then I got born.

Triple Eh!

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies... read more

I’m looking for a “committed” relationship.

She was in there so long she peed her pants.

It's a Monumental.

One night, they decided they didn’t like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there’s a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn’t going to do that, because he’s afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: “hey, I’ve got this flashlight with... read more

Does anyone know if locksmiths are key workers?

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room. One day they decided they didn’t like being locked up anymore, and wanted to escape. The not so smart one has to rely on the smart one to get out. So they made their way up to the roof through a series of vents. Once up on the roof of the buil... read more

You don't have to share your coronavirus.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

…given her a job on his campaign team…

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s... read more

..after 3 failed logins

It's a controlled Bern.

He came home from work with gnocchi.

Because he started feeling Happy.

I texted her, " oh pun the door! "

With a Spoooooky

He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins”

Guy said “no, I need you to be here faster. It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”

So we locked him up inside of a casket instead.

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an... read more

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ... read more

...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm.

He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh,... read more

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o... read more

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect.

He should have hired her to work on his campaign.

<joke stolen not just reposted>

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ... read more

A Man In Q’arantine

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He... read more