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Locked Jokes

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

If you ever get locked out of your house talk to the lock calmly …

As communication is key.

Bob Iger should be locked up for domestic terrorism.

Because all the movies Disney sent to the theaters in 2023 turned out to be bombs! Ahahahahaha!

Two blondes are locked out of their car...

The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy i...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

Locked out of the house.

I stepped out to feed the cat at 5am while everyone was still fast asleep. The door shut and locked me outside. I tried calling the wife multiple times with no answer. I tried taping on her window, banging on her window, tapping on my sons window, banging on his window, and lastly the doorbell. This...

A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

Why was the Italian locked out after dinner?

because he had 'gnocchi'

Chewbacca locked the keys in the Millennium Falcon.......

It was a Wookie mistake!

Why are Italians always locked out of their houses when they get home?

Gnocchi

My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

I locked myself out of the house earlier

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”

The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the to...

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

I used to be a man locked in a woman's body...

but then I got born.

Who do Canadians call when they get locked out of their car?

Triple Eh!

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

I only go after women who are locked-up in Mental Institutions.

I’m looking for a “committed” relationship.

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom?

She was in there so long she peed her pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom.

I'm pissed.

The just erected a statue of the first insane man to be locked up at Ashworth secure hospital.

It's a Monumental.

Two guys are locked up in a mental asylum together.

One night, they decided they didn’t like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there’s a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn’t going to do that, because he’s afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: “hey, I’ve got this flashlight with...

I locked myself out my house

Does anyone know if locksmiths are key workers?

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room. One day they decided they didn’t like being locked up anymore, and wanted to escape. The not so smart one has to rely on the smart one to get out. So they made their way up to the roof through a series of vents. Once up on the roof of the buil...

Perks of being single and in locked down

You don't have to share your coronavirus.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grammar Nazis should be locked up!

There textual predators!

If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just…

…given her a job on his campaign team…

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

I got locked out of my fireplace

..after 3 failed logins

They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland.

It's a controlled Bern.

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

Why did Droopy get locked up after getting drunk?

Because he started feeling Happy.

After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house

I texted her, " oh pun the door! "

How does a ghost open locked doors?

With a Spoooooky

Did you about the guy that locked himself out of his car?

He called the locksmith & the locksmith said “I’ll be there in 40 mins”

Guy said “no, I need you to be here faster. It looks like it’s about to start raining and the top is down”

My friend got tired of being locked up at home.

So we locked him up inside of a casket instead.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.

They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.

One of the sociopaths jump over ...

Got locked out of my house on Hoth and had to sleep with my Tauntaun...

...was actually pretty comfy, my only complaint was that he was luke-warm.

A man's girlfriend got mad at him and locked him out of his apartment.

He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh,...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

I got locked in a mirror shop last night.

On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect.

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up

He should have hired her to work on his campaign.

<joke stolen not just reposted>

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

What Do You Call A Muslim Locked In A Room?

A Man In Q’arantine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He...

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