This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

Jesus will bite you...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell?

because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!!

Sorry, I ll walk out

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

When my kids play The Sims, I always disconnect the power from the computer just after they've finished making their family

It's character building

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?

Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

Russian Connection

If the internet disconnects in Russia, do they call it the internyet?

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Women are like telephones.

They love to be held.

They love to be talked to.

But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

So I replied, "No, *your* generation is too reliant on technology!"

Then I disconnected his life support.

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less super...

A trucker calls his boss.

He says:

- I just ran a pig over, what now?

The boss asks him:

- Dead?

- Dead.

- Truck's OK?

- OK.

- So bury it and drive away.

Then the trucker disconnects, and later calls again. The boss asks him:

- You buried it?

- Yes, but I...

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don’t change lightbulbs. They just remove them because lightbulbs work better once disconnected.

Zen joke

Student: Master, I've forgotten all of my zen training, lost inner peace, and now feel disconnected from the present, haunted by the past, afraid of the future, and dissimilar from the universe and all its life forms.

Master: What? Were you thinking?!

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

When you have an "I hate my job" day

When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect ...

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What ...

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

A woman hears a noise

She thinks it's and intruder and decides to call the cops. The dispatch officer asks her if she saw anything. She replies she only heard it but that she is sure someone is in her house because she can hear footsteps. The dispatch said that they would send the next available officer but that they wer...

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Me and my girlfriend were on the phone when the call suddenly cut out

I called her back and asked her if she was okay.
She said "Yeah, I'm fine. My call disconnected."


I said "that's a relief, I thought R.Kelly walked in and caught you on the phone."

Now she's pissed

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

Life support issues

Last night I was in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the co...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Farmer's Fetish (VERY NSFW)

Once upon a time there lived an elderly, wise old farmer, who was horny as fuck. Seriously, it gets pretty lonely out there in the sticks.

Anyway, one day he purchased a new milking machine for his cows which promised rapid, efficient delivery of a near-endless supply of dairy goodness by att...

Omegle joke

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 2: Hey.

Guy 1: I'm pretty sad, can you give me a joke?

Guy 2: Sure! Knock Knock.

Guy 1: Who's there?

Guy 2: Disco.

Guy 1: Disco who?

Guy 2: Disconnected.

'Your conversational partner has been disconnected.'

Guy 1: ...

A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby...

Project: Reimagined

There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They s...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Alzheimer's is a bitch.

A young man called his father to see if he had gotten any information about his memory problem.

"Hey Dad, did you call the Alzheimer's hotline earlier?"

"Yeah, but after a few minutes I got disconnected, so I couldn't get the information."

"Why didn't you just hit redial?"
...

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