UPJOKE

Shut Your Jokes

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man:

\- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
\- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...

The wife then says:

\- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.

The man shoots a dark look at his wife...

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

"Babe, it's a valve!"

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Zoo gorilla

A gorilla, one of the local zoo's most popular animals, suddenly dies one day. The zoo owner is afraid of what this might do to ticket sales, so he devises a plan: He hires a man to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be the late ape.

So it's the new recruit's first day on the job and he's ...

A cop pulls over an old couple…

Asks for license and registration and asks do you know how fast you were going sir?

- husband: “gee officer Im not sure”
- wife: 85 mph officer, he passed several signs before you pulled him over”
The husband then looks the wife with the corner of his eye obviously upset

The poli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are laying in bed after sex.

"I hope you don't mind me saying, sweetheart." Whispered the wife, "A bit more concentrating on my clitoris would be a nice thing."

"I think you need to shut your mouth." He replied.

"There's no need to be like that." She stammered, getting upset. "I'm only trying to improve things in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was dying on a cold snowy field.

A cow was passing by and dropped some dung on it. The dung wormed the bird and it felt nice and warm so the bird started to sing with joy. A passing cat heard the singing of the bird. The cat found the bird and got it out of the dung. Then it ate the bird.

The moral of the story:
Not eve...

Two Dragons walk into a bar

Dragon 1: It's hot in here

Dragon 2: Shut your mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

This underrated Jimmy Carr joke

Two dragons walk into a pub; one says to the other, "it's hot in here."

The other dragon replies, "Oh yeah? Shut your mouth."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

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