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Shutdown Jokes

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that pornhub was shutdown in Russia over the weekend...

Guess you could say things are out of hand over there.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

Day 32 of the government shutdown

That makes it just over two years since we’ve had a functioning government

No one knows more about shutdowns than Trump

Just look at all of his failed businesses

Trump wants the shutdown to go on for as long as possible.

He thinks that way we won't be able to hold another election.

No need to prolong the government shutdown. We've already built a wall.

A paywall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

This government shutdown has made it so TSA agents can relate to artists.

There is a lot of exposure and no pay.

Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him

but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear they had to shutdown Japan's first virtual reality porn exhibition?

Too many people came.

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that you're too powerless to change the world...

... always remember that a single idiot who snacked a bat managed to shutdown the whole fucking world for 2 years.

If Trump's hair sees it's shadow...

the government shutdown will last for 6 more weeks.

It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.

At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.

I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes

I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

Does anyone know if Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning?

Six more weeks of government shutdown coming if he did!

I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.

Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.

How many congressmen does it take to run a government?

This post is government funded, please check back after the shutdown has ended and funding has resumed.

Your mamas so fat...

She could end the government shutdown if we put her on the US/Mexico Border.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me , “don’t worry, you’ll all get back pay”

I’d still be in a financial hardship due to the government shutdown.

2 ghosts meet in heaven...

<This comment was edited in protest to the Reddit 3rd party app/API shutdown using power delete suite. If you want to protest too, be sure to edit your comments and not delete them, as comments can be restored and are never deleted. Tired of being being ignored by Reddit for a quick buck? c/reddi...

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London

A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London. After the captain shutdown the engines you could still hear the whining.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out British Hell, Russia...

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