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Oysters Jokes

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

Why don’t oysters share their pearls?

Because they are “shellfish”

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

I heard oysters were an effective aphrodisiac, so I ate a dozen.

Only four of them worked.

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A beautiful lady of the evening owns a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive. She’s entertaining a young man who is deciding what he’d like.

“So, how much would a reach-around set me back?”

The woman replies without hesitation, “Five-hundred dollars.”

The man is taken aback! “$500!”

The woman replies, “See this apartment? Handies paid for it!”

Convinced, the couple repair to the bedroom. A little later, they a...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

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What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

Son: I just found out what Rocky mountain oysters are

Dad: I know, it's nuts

How do oysters get around?

In mussel cars.

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

Restaurant owner warns his employee: "one must open oysters carefully"...

The employee answers: "no shucking fit!"

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

I ate 15 raw oysters last night at the restaurant. I paid for it with exploding diarrhea.

I think they would have preferred cash.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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