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Dispense Jokes

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

Soap Dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the...

My new vehicle came with a dispenser that makes sweet tea forever...

It’s a Infinite-tea.

my public pool's showers has two different soap dispensers one is white and the other soap is transparent

i asked my life guard about the difference between them

he said that the white one is shampoo for hair

and the transparent is for the body.

me being bald i asked him: so i use one soap?

he was silent for a second while he looked at my body me wearing only my swimming shor...

Did you hear that Jennifer Lopez started a campaign against dispenser candy?

It's called J Lo for No Pez.

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

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A club I was at had a vending machine that dispensed packets of cologne. I put a quarter in it, turned the knob, and nothing came out.

I guess the machine was out of odor.

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

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A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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What do you call a Priest with a piss kink?

A walking holy water dispenser.

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

Two priests are showering

Two priests are showering when one says to the other “Damn I’m out of soap”

The other priest says “I’ll go to my office and get some”.

So the priest picks up two bars of soap from his office, but on his way back he hears the voices of two nuns down the hall.

The priest, stark ...

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

At the men's bathroom of the local college...

... above the toilet paper dispenser was a piece of graffiti:

"Liberal Arts Degrees. Take One."

Two priests at a hotel

The priests walked to the public showers. Once they were at the showers they realized that they had forgotten their soaps. So one of the priests decided to walk naked back to their room which was rather close.

Once he had obtained the two soaps he saw 3 nuns coming around the corner in the c...

A monk, 3 nuns and liquid soap (long)

So 2 monks were going to have a shower and as they got in, they realised that they didn't have any soap so one of them went up to his room as he had some there. As he was leaving, he saw 3 nuns in the hallway so posed as a statue to wait for them to go past.

When they reached him, the first n...

I can't believe it.

Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did ...

One Sunday St Peter looks down from Heaven and calls out to Jesus

"Look!" he says. "Father O'Malley is golfing on Sunday!"

Jesus smiles and holds out his hands in blessing. Moments later the Father drives off the first tee and holes in one. When the Father retrieves his ball and goes to the second tee, Jesus again holds out his hands in blessing and the F...

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. ...

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Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds walk into a restroom in 2005...

When Bill Gates finishes doing his business, he goes to the sink, washes his hands, pulls 20 paper towels from the dispenser, and dries his hands completely as Steve Jobs walks up.

Bill says "at Microsoft, we like to be thorough."

Steve Jobs washes his hands even cleaner than Bill, th...

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There was a princess

who came of age, so her parents the King and Queen called for all princes to come and court her.

Day after day, each suitor came by, telling the princess what they would give her and why she should marry them. This went on for a few weeks, and the princess remained unsatisfied.

Sudden...

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A boy asks his teacher to use the restroom...

The teacher says yes and the boy goes. When he goes to wash his hands, he notices the words "Purple Fusion" on the soap dispenser. He gets back to the classroom and asks his teacher what it means. The teacher sends him to the principal. He asks the principal what it means and he expels the boy.
<...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

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