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Ration Jokes

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?

A lift.

Deaf people aren't known to be very rational

They have trouble making sound decisions.

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Virginity is a lot like rational thinking.

If you happen to visit the church regularly, you’ll probably lose it before you’re 14.

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Vegetable rationing

Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg...

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Russian Military Rations

Several generals from different countries are sitting together in a bar. After a some while of small-talk, the american general starts bragging about how the US Army was recently able to improve the nutritional value of their field rations to 4000 Calories. To which the russian general replies: "Bul...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

What do you call a rational Irishman who looks after his skin?

Dermot O'logical

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

What do you call French army rations?

Noms de guerre.

The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.

"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting p...

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

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My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.

The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."

The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."

The American says, "Well we get a...

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

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Two economists are walking in the woods

Two economists are walking in the woods.

Suddenly, one notices a pile of bear shit next to the path. He says to the second one, "hey I'll give you a 100€ if you eat that pile of shit".

The second economist, being a rational decision maker eats it and gets a 100€. But he had a weird fe...

My wife used to be a terrible backseat driver.

Now she sits on the front bumper and syphons gas from the car in front of us.

Bob Hope, back when gas was being rationed during WWII

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

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We’ve had a breakthrough!

A tortoise makes an appointment with his therapist

“How’s everything going?”, she asks him.

“Oh, you know, same old… can’t get laid to save my life. My mom’s crazy, she says I’m a shut-in, that I should get out more. But I know these fake turtle bitches are all full of plastic, they e...

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the s...

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

The French mathematician really tried to convince the antivaxxer,...

"but 'e is not rational."

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rus...

Since I'm 43....

If we're speaking rationally, I'm in a prime of my life.

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A contrite nun takes a vow of silence...

She's confined to a small cell in the convent's basement.

After one year, Mother Superior says, "To reward your one year of silence, you are allowed to speak one word."

Shivering, the nun says "cold!" She was given a blanket.

A second year passed. "Another year, Sister. You...

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

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Halloween at a Hospital.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea an...

Why does 6 hate being under 7?

It's just not rational.

Pi said to i, "Get real!"

"Be rational!" responds i.

Finally, e breaks them up as it said "Join me, and we'll become one."

>e^pi ^i + 1 = 0

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...

What do you call a number that's red and itchy?

rational.

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

There are two kinds of numbers...

Rational numbers and Woman numbers.

Why God created the man in the form he is?

When God created the donkey and told him:

\- You're gonna be working all day long and you'll carry the heaviest loads on your back. You'll eat grass and you won't be so smart. You'll live 50 years.

Then the donkey said:

\- 50 years of the kind of life and suffering is a lot. Giv...

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

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Mom wants her son to go to school.

A mother was making breakfast for her son and when he didn’t come down for breakfast she went up to his room and said “come on, your breakfast is ready and you’re going to be late for school.

From behind his closed bedroom door the son replies “ I don’t want to go to school.”

Mom repl...

So there’s this old, old zookeeper who is nearing retirement.

In fact, she’s so old that she has been employed at the zoo since it first opened. Since she’s been there so long, the zoo has entrusted her with taking care of the two most valuable exhibits in the zoo.

First, she is responsible for feeding an ancient lion. This lion is actually so old that...

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A man's plane crashes in the desert...

he's got rations and water so he can survive for very long, but as time goes by he starts longing for sex, untill one day he notices a camel. He tries to have sex with the animal, but it runs away. So, the next day, the guy tries to make a trap, but the camel avoids it.

The man spends t...

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A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.

One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.

‘You OK?’ asked Bill, another of the gang.

‘Not really,’ sighed Pete. ‘This morning my wife told me that she’s rationing our sex life – she’s cutting me back to just once a week....

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Adolf Hitler is walking around in a prisoner camp.

As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.

Hitler walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."

The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."

Hitler felt something ...

What is the main difference between real numbers and women?

Real numbers having period are rational.

A man was walking down a bright road when he came across an elderly women

He noticed she was searching for something, and that she appeared very distressed. He asked her, "Excuse me 'mam, do you need some help?" She replied " Oh yes please! I lost my necklace! It's a family heirloom and it's priceless!" He asked, "Okay well let's think back, where do you think you lost it...

Completely Original Joke About Numbers That I'm Sure Has Never Occurred To Anyone

While I've always been able to count on the cardinal numbers, I find that some of the integers can be negative, but at least they're still rational. But as long as a number can be real with me, I don't care how dense they might be.

Pi is fighting with i

Pi : get real
i : be rational

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

Five numbers walk into a bar...

... A Natural number (6), an Integer (-2), a Rational (1/2), a Real (e) and a Complex number (1-i) walk into a bar.

The first four clutch their heads in pain, but 1-i keeps going.

When -2 asks him how he walked through it, he shrugs and replies

"I'm imaginary".

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

Translated Indian Joke

A man is leaving his village for the first time to visit the big city. His fellow villagers don't want him to get ripped off, so they give him some advice - never agree to the seller's price... always ask for half the price.

So the man arrives at the city, and sees an umbrella store. He heads...

Women are like numbers ...

* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.

* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.

* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.

* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.

* Every other one i...

e and i have an argument

e says to i: get real

i responds: be rational

A family of turtles decided to take picnic at the park.

They packed their picnic basket full and began walking toward their favorite picnic location at the park. It takes them one week to get there.

When they arrive, they realize that they forgot the picnic blanket. They ask the littlest one to quickly go back and get it. He protests, 'but you'...

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

Dad's favorite ship joke.

A ship's quartermaster descends into the galley to address the rowers. "I have good news," he said. "Today, all of your food and alcohol rations have been doubled." As he said this, a cheer went up from the slaves and they eagerly grabbed at their oars.

"One more thing," he added. "The captai...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin

Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".

What did the number 1 say to π (pi)?

Let's get rational you can't carry on like this!

Square Root of Negative One and Pie.

The square root of negative one and Pi are having an argument. After a lengthy discussion the square root of negative one says: 'Will you just be rational?' To that pie replies: 'Get real.'

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

ln(x) is hosting a calculus party....

and all the functions are invited. Some of them are radical, at least 1/3 of them are rational, and like all parties, there are a few odd ones talking to their imaginary friends. Amidst all of this revelry, ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.
...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

American comes to Soviet Factory

Amrican delegation visits Soviet Factory. Soviet guide says to American visitors

- Soviet workers are so great, they will do anything we tell them

- [American] I don't believe it

- [Soviet guide] Watch

He lines up all workers in front of factory:

-tomorrow your pay...

The captain has good news and bad news.

The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good n...

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

A very old man hears a knock on his door one night...

He opens it and its Death who has come to take his soul. Being the rational, death-fearing man he is, he decides to delay his demise by inviting Death in. Death agrees and is immediately treated with a lavish dinner and is given several expensive gifts. The man says "Death, since I respect you so mu...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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2 old ladies at a nursing home

There's two older ladies sitting on a park bench outside their nursing home chatting it up and having a few cigarettes when it suddenly starts to rain.

One of the ladies is moving around her umbrella and trying to hold up her coat to keep her cigarette from getting wet but it's not working to...

In Soviet Russia, Chicken feed, YOU!

One day, a farmer receives a knock on the door. He opens up and it's the KGB.

Man: Good morning, sirs.

KGB: utro sobirayetsya sosat'

Man: How can I help you, comrades?

KGB: We would like to know what you feed your chickens.

Man: Of course, comrades, I feed my chick...

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The lone nomad and his camel

A lone nomad was trying to pass through the desert on his camel. He had enough water and rations to complete his journey, but the loneliness was tornmenting him.

He rode his camel for three days and three nights without running into another soul. Eventually, the heat of the desert started p...

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[NSFW] These two guys are stuck in a desert

They try to find some water and food but arent able to find any. Suddenly they come upon this huge house and one of them decides to go and ask for food and water. He rings the bell and this ugly woman with disgusting tits opens the door. So he asks her for rations and.she says he'll have to fuck her...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon, riding over a town with a mountain in the distance. As the mountain approaches, the sudden realization hits that they will not clear mountain.

In a last-ditch effort, they try to throw out everything they can. The first soldier throws out their weapon...

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War camel.

So a plane goes down in the Sahara in WW2.
The survivors are a lieutenant, a sergeant, a corporal and a private. They have a days rations and are many days out from the nearest town.

The looty sends the corporal to scout around for anything to help in their predicament. He returns with a...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

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A college student knew she wasn't gonna pass her class.

A very attractive female college student was in trouble. She had done very poorly in her class and knew she had to talk to the professor or else she would get an F in the class. After the class was over and everyone left she walked up to the professor and told him about her problems. Of course, t...

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Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski. Zade was always last for everything due to his name. Everything always seemed to run out before Zade received his portion. Schoolbooks, supplies, food rations. Disappointed, Zade joined the military out of high school thinking that he would be treated eq...

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