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Scratching Jokes

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A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.

Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.

Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it.

I got fired from Arby's because I couldn't quit scratching my junk.

I don't see what I did wrong! I mean, I had gloves on.

An American tourist in Paris is standing near the Eiffel tower, scratching his head.

He says to his wife, “I don’t get it. This is the third time in our lives that we’ve visited Paris and they still haven’t found any oil here.”

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Who was the artist who was always caught scratching his butt at gallery shows?

Pablo Pickasso

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I’m the only one who knows where it itches.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

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Little Johnny was scratching down there...

One day in class the teacher looks over to little Johnny and sees him scratching his downstairs under the table,

She walks over to him and says, Johnny what are you doing you shouldn't be scratching down there.

Johnny replies but miss it's hurting down there and it itches so bad I can...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line.

The decision left many scratching their heads.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

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TIFU by posting a video of my wife frantically scratching her pussy...

It went fungal

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I'm not scratching my balls

I'm petting my crabs

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

Why was Harry Potter scratching himself with a pound coin?

He had quid-itch.

When Juan told me he was scratching himself during a questionnaire, I was surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish in-quiz itching.

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I was in prison and my inmate was scratching the wall and crying against it.

I said, "Fucking hell, buddy. I came here to get AWAY from my wife."

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Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

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A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee.

He comments, "Itchy knee, son?"

The son replies, "I already know how to count, Dad!"

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Little Johnny was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention...

and the teacher kept noticing it and went back there to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he just had recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and to phone his mother, and ask her what he ...

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Boob itch

A boyfriend walks in on his girlfriend scratching her breast. Delighted that he caught a glimpse of such a rare occurrence, he cries, "Boob itch!"

His girlfriend turns to him, slaps him in the face, and says, "Don't call me that! And you didn't scare me."

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it’s cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it’s more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?

Scratching the hell out of his coffin lid.

What's long green and smells like pork scratchings?

Kermit the frogs finger.

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. Already bar hopping and a little drunk he looks at the huge jar full of cash behind the bar. What’s that jar filled with cash for he asked the bartender? The bartender says it’s an ongoing bar bet. You put $20 in the jar and you complete 3 challenges and you win all the money...

What would Amy Winehouse be doing if she were alive today?

Scratching at the lid of her coffin.



Too soon?

Nosey zoologist

What did the monkey say to the zoologist when he saw him scratching himself?

Macaque itches.

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Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

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