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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

My wife started a program to support whistle blowers by knitting them sweaters.

She calls the program Snitches get Stitches

Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn...

So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car

A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting.

The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, "Pull Over!"

"No!" yelled the woman, "It's a cardigan!"

Old woman on her deathbed

An old woman lays dying in the hospital after a long illness as her husband sits beside her. She says, "Darling, I want you to go home and look in my closet and pull down the box on the top shelf. I've been keeping a secret all these years."

The man goes home, pulls down the box and finds tha...

The last batch of suicide bombers were very tight knit.

They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. True brethren. At the end they had a blast doing their job.

Just In Time

A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The c...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

The cashmere sweater story

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Last night my wife crawled into bed with me and told me she'd do anything for a new cashmere sweater," the guy says. "So I asked, 'Anything?' nudge nudge wink wink, and she replied "ANYTHING!'" "Wow!" the bartender replies. "What did you do?" "I told her to...

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office, knitting to pass the time.

The first one pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and take one. The other two ask what it was.

She says, "Calcium. Strong bones for baby and mommy!"

Satisfied, they all return to their knitting.

A few minutes later, the second one pulls out a bottle of pills and takes one. ...

Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."

"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

I was planning on doing some knitting

But I will knot.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

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I knitted a dildo for my wife

She said it’s sew big

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Three pregnant women knitting sweaters for their unborn kids.

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their unborn kids. The first woman says “I hope my baby is a boy, I’m using blue wool”. The second woman says “I’m hoping for a girl, my sweater is pink”. The third woman says quietly “Weeeelllll, I hope my kid is deformed..I’ve fucked up the arms!”.

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Life is like a hand-knit sweater

You really fucking hate it, but you can’t throw it away because your mom worked really hard on it, and you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

A close-knit bunch of guys wearing white sheets just invited me to one of their get-togethers.

Risky clique of the day.

She said, "Thank you so much!" And I said...

"Not at all. But I find knitting very relaxing."

What did 50 Cent say when his Mom gave him a scarf she made?

Gee! You knit?

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

What's a pirates favorite thing to knit?

Scaaaaaarrves

Pirates love to knit. In fact...

They love to use *yarrrrn!*

Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.

One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".

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Two old ladies are knitting...

One says: "I hope my daughter has a boy, I've only got blue wool"

The other replies "I hope my daughter has a spastic, I've fucked the arms up ".

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

I missed my last two knitting club meetings...

I hope when I return I'm not out of the loop.

My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

I knitted a scarf after 4 days of blood sweat and tears out of floss only to find out it is just falling apart.

Sorry, wrong thread.

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A Redneck Letter...

Dear son,

Im writing this slow because i know you cant read fast. we dont live where we did when you left home.your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. i wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here to...

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

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Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of their ob/gyn knitting onesies for their babies.

The first woman puts her needles down, takes a pill from her purse and swallows it.

"What was that?" the other two inquire.

"Iron," she says, "my baby is going to be strong!"

They go back to knitting. After some time has passed the second woman takes a pill from her purse and sw...

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum

She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.

My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane.

They were worried she might knit an afghan.

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Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

What do you call a knitting snake?

A nanaconda.

Pregnant ladies are sitting around knitting

One lady says, "I am taking an iron supplement, want my child to be strong."
Next lady says, ' I am taking calcium because I want my baby to have healthy bones."
Last lady says, "I'm taking Thalidomide....I just can't get these arms right."

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper.

It was a Cardi Yak arrest.

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

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Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

What did 50cent say to his grandma when she gave him a knitted sweater for his birthday?

G u knit!

50 cent gave Eminem a Christmas gift

Eminem was taken aback and choked up as he unwrapped the beautiful hand-made Christmas sweater.

Holding back tears, he turns to 50 and asks...

G-g-g-gee, you knit?

My grandmum always asked “Why do you keep walking around on pins and needles?”

I’d absolutely love not to.

If only she’d not forget her knitting on the floor.

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.

"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...

What did 50 Cent’s friends say when they saw him crocheting a sweater?

G...you knit?

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them....

We are a very tight knit community.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

An American couple visits India for the first time

As they are wandering around in the markets the wife notices a sign that she finds extremely aesthetic. She proceeds to draw it out and once they return to the US, She knits a sweater with that design on the front.

The days go by and all her friends find the sweater very pretty and very ethni...

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.

I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.



Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

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Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN...

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, "Oh no, these are just prenatal...

The cow

A cow sits on a roof and knits spinach. A toast flies past and says: Fishing is prohibited here.
The cow: I do not care how much the strawberries cost, I'm here by bike anyway.

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Two men are standing a heavens gate...

.. The queue is moving slow and they get talking to one another.

"So how did you wind up here?", the first man asks the second.

The second man sighs and says, "I froze to death."

"Did it hurt? “ asked the first.

" Not really. You get cold, then sleepy, then just drift o...

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Friend: What the fuck is Minecraft?

Me: Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting.

3 pregnant women in a lobby

Three pregnant women in a lobby are knitting. The first one stops and takes a pill. "It's iron" she says "I want my baby to have strong muscles"
They continue knitting except for woman number 3 who is looking confusedly at her knitting.
The second woman stops to take a pill. "It's calcium. I ...

5 minutes

A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the...

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When I was 10, I told my dad I wanted to learn ballet. He said no, because "ballet is for sissies".

When I was 12, I told my dad I wanted to learn cooking. He said no, because "cooking is for sissies".

When I was 14, I told my dad I wanted to learn knitting. He said no, because "knitting is for sissies".

When I was 18, I told my dad I wanted to go to fashon college. He said no, becau...

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He...

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

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A Strange Date

A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his Dreams across a dance floor.

Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.

Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. ...

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up ...

A woman and her husband are eating at a Chinese restaurant.

The woman loves how artistic the Chinese language looks written, so she takes home a menu and chooses her favorite symbols and knits a sweater with said symbols on the front.

A few months later her and her husband are invited to his company's party. She decides this is the perfect time to wea...

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

An animal that knits its own sweaters.

The Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking prou...

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A cop is driving around in his car

When he comes upon a car parked on a dead end street and sees some people in it. He walks upto the car where he sees a guy reading a book in the front seat and a girl knitting in the back seat.

He asks the gentleman for his license and registration. He goes back to his car and runs the info, ...

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A husband and wife were laying in bed

The old man farted and the old lady yelled, "What was that?!" "We're playing football, I just scored six points!" ,yells the man. The old lady won't let him win so she out lets a squeaky teaser. "Six points," says she, "the game is tied." ...and goes back to her knitting. Well, the old m...

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LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass...

LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass with a knitting needle tonight.

The motive is unclear, but they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern...

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what...

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My Grandfathers story

My Grandfather told me a story today from many years ago.

He said he and my grandmother were driving down a long and dusty back road, sun beating down on a hot summers day.

When all of a sudden, they see an elderly lady walking a long the back road. Puzzled, my Grandfather pulls over ...

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Timmy's 10th birthday.

It was Timmy's 10th birthday. As it happens, his parents never really cared a lot about Timmy and Timmy, knowing this, wasn't expecting much of his special day. He got up in the morning, much against his will, to find his parents in their daily routine. "Hi kiddo" was as much as his dad ever bothere...

This cop spots this blond driving

This cop spots this blond driving on the freeway knitting!

Pull Over! he yells.

No! She yells back, Cardigan!

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The farmer and his wife

A farmer's wife is sitting in her bedroom knitting quietly in her rocking chair. The farmer comes through door with a sheep under his arm and says "Look here, this is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood". The farmer's wife looks up and says "You are some kind of idiot! That there is a sheep!"...

[Long] A old woman calls the police and says, "I think there's someone in my yard!"

The lazy police officer replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have any vehicles available at the moment."
A few minutes later, the lady calls again and says, "Never mind, there were four of them, and I just shot them all." In three minutes, the entire police force is at the lady's house. The comma...

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day...

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day. The leaves were turning in the trees, and the sun was shining through them.

"I shay!" Sean Connery said, "What a day to be outshide. It's shimply beautiful, ishn't it?"

"Absolutely," his friend Bob replied, admiring their surroundings. Though ...

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Old couple is sitting on the front porch

Old couple is sitting on the front porch. Grandpa is sitting on the bench reading the newspaper, grandma is in a rocking chair knitting. They have been together since prom night. *Grandma seems angry, gets up from the chair goes to grandpa and slaps him so hard he drops the newspaper, his glasses fa...

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