UPJOKE
fabricyarnsilkwoolweavingtextilesewneedleworkclothstitchembroiderycashmereintarsiasweaterssweater

Knitted Jokes

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma after she knitted him a sweater?

Gee, you knit??

What do you call an American rapper who wears an open-fronted knitted sweater?

Cardi Gan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knitted a dildo for my wife

She said it’s sew big

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler?

He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches.

My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper.

It was a Cardi Yak arrest.

I knitted a scarf after 4 days of blood sweat and tears out of floss only to find out it is just falling apart.

Sorry, wrong thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

I'm not very well

I also keep getting the urge to put on a pair of slacks, a knitted jumper and sing melodious old time songs. Could I have the crooner virus?

Old woman on her deathbed

An old woman lays dying in the hospital after a long illness as her husband sits beside her. She says, "Darling, I want you to go home and look in my closet and pull down the box on the top shelf. I've been keeping a secret all these years."

The man goes home, pulls down the box and finds tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the epitome of sex with the elderly?

Knitted condoms!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.