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Kate Jokes

If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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Kate Upton & Kate Middleton compete in a popularity contest

Kate Upton goes first, she gets up on stage and undoes her blouse and starts shaking her tits up, down, and in all directions, the audience which consists of mostly men start cheering and going crazy, Kate Middleton then gets up on stage, sets a chair up, takes a seat and starts douching, the audien...

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Two friends, Sarah and Kate, who haven't met in a while, run into each other.

Sarah: You know, my boyfriend bought me a Mercedes two weeks ago.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And yesterday, he gave me a pearl necklace.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And in a month, we are going on a three-week-long vacation on Hawaii.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: Thanks. But,...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

The teacher asked the class to stand

...one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.

"She is beautiful", said Kate.

"My dogs are fat", shouted Mark.

"I is...", stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted.

"You always say 'I am'. Never say 'I is'", said she.

As fast as he co...

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

Why did Dolly Parton refuse to have tea with Kate Middleton?

Because high tea is always 4pm and she works 9 to 5.



Lame. But this was in the news the other week. Dolly actually did refuse to have tea with Kate.....there's a joke here, somewhere. Do you have it?

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with K...

The Farmer and his Daughters

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the do...

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IF YOU SEE A LINK FOR KATE UPTON NUDES DON’T CLICK IT

IT’S A VIRUS THAT FORCES YOU ON CAPS LOCK

I once dated two girls called Kate and Edith. Unfortunately Kate found out and told Edith and they both broke up with me!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

So I met this girl at a party. Kate.

She's really awesome and about as gorgeous as they come. Anyway, we went out a couple times and really hit it off and I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend about a month later... Then just a couple weeks ago this other girl, Edith, started working at the hospital in the same department as me an...

My ex, Kate, left me because I was "too morbid".

I said, "I hope you suffer, Kate!"

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

What do you call a partnership between Cindy and Kate?

Syndicated.

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

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Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

I thought I was pretty lucky… I used to date two girls Kate & Edith at the same time.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It turns out you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

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I hope all goes well with Princess Kate's baby delivery..,

...but I think it might turn out to be a royal pain in the ass.

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Kate Middleton has asked the Queen what the secret is to a long and happy marriage...

Kate Middleton has asked the Queen what the secret is to a long and happy marriage.

Apparently her advice was "wear your seatbelt and don't piss me off"

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A man and Kate Upton are shipwrecked

A man and Kate Upton are shipwrecked on a lonly island.
They try to light up a fire for bypassing ships or planes, but without any result.
After a couple days they start to get along, find some food sources and build a shelter.He begins to flirt with her, so as time passes by they start havin...

Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

"I'm in love with two girls. "

"Edith and Kate. I can't decide which one to marry."


"all I can say is that you can't have your Kate and Edith too."

The first time I made love to Kate I thought of my late wife, Susan.

I thought, this’ll teach her to be late

A pregnant woman is talking to her friend

A pregnant woman, who is expecting twins, is talking to her friend. The friend asks her:

"Have you already picked some names you like?"

"Yes. If it's girls I want to name one Kate."

"Why?"

"So the other one can be DupliKate."

...

"And what if it's boys...

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I had to tell my doctor something very embarrassing.

I took a deep breath and said, "Do you promise not to judge?"

He said, "Of course I won't judge."

"Ok," I hesitated, "So...I had to stop watching Titanic the other night after my butt plug got sucked up into my arse."

He winced and said, "How far in?"

I said, "The bit w...

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So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

My wife gave birth to a pair of twin and named the first boy Pete and first girl Kate

I named the second one Repeat and Duplikate

Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking?

To go to the grand opening.

Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers?

To get to the royal ball.

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

The Queens Pallbearers

Breaking news: the queen’s dying wish was to have Princes Charles, Andrew, Harry, William along with Meghan and Kate serve as her official pallbearers.

So they could let her down one last time…

When I first meet someone I always want to talk about that movie with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio...

but the Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.

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The Royal we.

Queen Elizabeth and princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.
"Ain't you the queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

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I once loved two girls at the same time

I used to live between two girls. Kate, a smart and funny brunette and Edith, a sexy and mischeivous blonde. I hit it off well with both girls and so, thought I could date them both. I would spend Monday, Wednesday and Friday with Kate, and Tuesday, Thursday and Sautrday with Edith. I would alternat...

My girlfriend said we should each pick a "hall pass", just in case we ever met that person.

I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor.

I wonder if people find polyamory to be selfish.

I mean, you can have your Kate and Edith too.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Amazon review for 20' rope.

**** - this is simply the most amazing, durable, and soft rope ever!
Last one I'll ever need! - Kate S.

Adultery is a sin....

You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

Netflix: Are you still watching “Madeleine McCann?”

Kate and Gerry: “No we are out for dinner”

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Got lucky on a business trip to London

On a recent trip to London I hit the jackpot and was lucky enough to have sex with the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton!
 
After this amazing experience I have drawn 3 conclusions:
 
1. Her tits are really firm, they are probably fake.
 
2. She didn...

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John goes to Josh's apartment...

... but he wasn't home, and the person who answered the door was Kate, Josh's wife. She just got out of the shower, so she had a towel around her sexy, sexy body when she answered the door. After a little bit of small and awkward talking, John couldn't resist and told her:

"I will give you a ...

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

Did you hear about the happy bigamist?

He had his Kate and Edith too.

Why did the man convert to Mormonism?

Because he wanted to have his Kate, and Edith, too!

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.


Apparently a rol...

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Motherfucker

Kate and Bob were having sex in their bedroom. Suddenly they hear a noise. They turn around and see little Timmy, their son, in the doorway, looking shocked. After a few seconds, Timmy turns around and runs back to his bedroom. Bob looks at his wife and says:

-I'm gonna go talk to Timmy.
<...

Martin Scorcese dies and goes to heaven

He's met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says "God has been waiting for you to die. He is going to produce the greatest production in history and wants you to direct. He's signed Shakespeare to write the screenplay. Michelangelo is the art director. Beethoven is writing the music."
...

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