An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon.

“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”

​

“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”

​

“O...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”

T...

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic...

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

When asked if he would be called a Governor in Iran, Admiral Ackbar said, "No..."

"...It's Satrap."

A woman asked an Admiral in the navy the last time he made love to a woman...

He said "Oh, no, I'm in the Navy"

An admiral and a general go fishing...

In a small rowboat out on the lake. A large fish pulls on the line, and the boat flips over. The general starts to swim to shore, but the admiral starts screaming "help, help, help!" and flailing in the water. The general goes over to him, grabs hold, and swims him back to dry land.

Once ther...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Navy Admiral, Air Force General, and Marine General are prepping for retirement...

The VA clerk explains to them, “Gentlemen, we are going to try out a new policy. Pick 2 points on your body and whatever the distance in inches between them is, that will determine your annual retirement pay.”

The Navy Admiral steps forward and says, “Well let’s make this easy. I want you to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A retired navy admiral's daughter is about to get married to a young naval officer

The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter.

"You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the othe...

Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A general, air marshal and admiral were arguing over whose men were the toughest.

The general says, “Alright, I’ll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere!”

The private reports as ordered, “Yes sir?”
The general says, “See that man over there? Kill him!” Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, “See? That ma...

A pirate with one glass-eye brings his spanish crewmate and his friend who's sensitive to cold to sink an admiral's ship.

He fails miserably and the admiral makes them all walk the plank. As the pirate falls, his fake eye plops into the ocean. "eye, sea!" The pirate yells in frustration. As the friend falls, he shivers and states: "i-i-i-cy...". The Spanish crewmate falls and merely states "Aye, si."
The admiral wa...

What is Admiral Ackbar's favorite shape?

IT'S A TRAPezoid!

An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.

The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.

On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"

The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our ...

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

An admiral is going to battle...

An admiral is going to battle, he meets with his most trusted man and asks how many enemy ships he can see in the horizon
The man replies "sir, i see 2 ships in the distance"
The admiral then tells him to bring him his red coat so that his sailors couldn't see his blood during the battle
Th...

An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. Afte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you ...

The Ex

I used to go out with an Admirals daughter, it didn't last long as her naval base was always full of seamen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

Two old jokes my dad told me

These are two jokes my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.
___________________
Unfortunately, a man fell out of an airplane.

Fortunately, there was a haystack below him.

Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack.

Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.

Un...

What did the suicide bomber from the Rebel Alliance say before detonating?

ADMIRAL ACKBAR!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls a man over for speeding...

"What seems to be the problem officer?"

"You were speeding, license and registration please."

"I'm sorry, I cant do that."

"And why is that?"

"My drivers license was taken from me while driving drunk."

"Well, give me your cars registration then."

"I cant do ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pirate in a Bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate c...

I heard that there was a new food court in Coruscant

Its called Admiral Ackbar's Admirable Snack Bar

Its the age of sailing ships and a prospective Captain in training is taking his final exam at the Royal Naval Academy

"Alright" says the Admiral giving him his examination, "Here's the scenario - your close to the shore, and a massive bout of wind is driving your ship unstoppably towards the rocks, what do you do?"


"Well id probably attach a few reserve sails to the starboard side and see if i could turn...

Always Late

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal*Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The navy caught a pirate armada.

The admiral of the navy went to interrogate the pirate captain. He noticed that the captain was missing a leg, had a hook on a hand and was wearing an eyepatch. So he asked him the story behind them.
The pirate captain said, "I lost the hand 5 years ago, while fighting with the English army. So I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

War jokes

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
<...

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?...