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I refuse to participate in my girlfriend’s western fantasy, where she dresses up as a cowgirl.

I’m just not a fan of chapped lips.

What’s the difference between you and a guy who dresses up in a toga & wings and shoots arrows at couples on Valentine’s Day

One’s a Cupid Stunt...

Why are wedding dresses white

So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

I met this amazing woman the other day.

Despite being a Thai single mother of 3, she always kept her place spotless. She always wore a pure white dress, and despite nearly blinding me, she looked fantastic.

I told her I didn't believe she had seven identical white dresses, so she invited me over to her place to show me. I took the ...

Batman dresses exclusively in dark colors because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Robin dresses exclusively in bright colors because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

A son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all hous...

A cute little boy dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating....

He goes to the door and rings the bell. A sweet old lady opens the door and says, "Oh, what a handsome pirate you are! But where are your buccaneers?"

The cute little boy replies, "Under my buccan hat!"

My mom dresses like my dad and my dad dresses like my mom

They're transparent

A mathematician dresses as a tree for halloween

He was a scare root

What do you call an arrogant person who always dresses nicely?

Clothes-minded

What do you call two speeding men in dresses?

Drag racing.

Every Halloween my dad dresses up as a superhero.

He is the invisible man

Why don't women wear dresses when parachuting?

Because they'd whistle on the way down.

What do you call a guy who dresses up like a flower child?

A transplant

Old joke time, Why are wedding dresses white?

To match the other appliances in the kitchen.

Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

A: They could get chapped lips!

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convi...

What do you call a priest who dresses in nuns' clothing?

A transistor

My lover always dresses as a panda when we are in bed

Unfortunately, I don't think we'll last; he just eats shoots and leaves.

Oprah promises prosecution of all women in sleeveless dresses when she takes office

She is against the right to bare arms.

What do you call a gnome who dresses nice?

A metronome!

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What if Prom is just an elaborate business scams that fashion companies carry out every year to sell all the shitty, cheap dresses to high school kids because the rich people wouldn't buy them?

*scam

I is stupid.

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So there's this party where everyone has to come dresses as an emotion...

...one guy comes in all black - sadness. Another in all yellow - fear, and another in green - envy. Then the host answers the door to see two guys standing there, butt-naked, except one of them has a pear on the end of his dick, and the other had a can of custard on his dick.
"What the hell are ...

I just found out what ballerinas call their dresses.

I just put two and two together.

A kid with no ears and a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate for Halloween..

He knocks on the door and yells, " 'Rick or 'Rea"!

A home owner with a peg leg comes out and says, "Oh, what are you?"

The kid says, "I'm a 'irate!"

"An 'irate?" the home owner asks. "Oh a pirate! Well where's your buccaneers?"

The kid points to the sides of his hea...

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

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That was the best anal ever!

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bu...

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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his wait...

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A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)


He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.




- Man: What's up with the pianist?




- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.



...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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A mother takes her daughter to a clinic

She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.

The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.

The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the g...

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

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The Hunting accident

While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin. Rushed to hospital , he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home, the surgeon ...

Black list joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother ...

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys ...

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So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. W...

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For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it. I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution. So here it i...

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But when I take one of her dresses, suddenly, it's, "We need to talk!"

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(NSFW) The hippy and the nun

One day a hippy walks into a bus, when he spots a nun sitting in the first chair. To him, the nun is one of the best looking women he has ever seen. Being the straightforward guy he is, the hippy walks up and asks, “Hey, wanna have sex?” The nun, shocked, smacks him in the face, and gets off at the...

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A prince in a distant and very rich kingdom decided it was time to get married.

After announcing his intentions, three beautiful noble women showed up as candidates.

Not knowing which one he should marry, the prince had the idea of proposing a contest. He gave 1000 golden coins to each woman and told them: "You have 5 days to spend all of this coins, then come back to me...

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My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we ...

How do you tell your nerdy friend is suicidal?

He dresses up as Jar Jar Binks at Comic Con.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

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A man goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

He arrives at the Vatican and there is a long line of about 100 people to meet the pope.

The man makes sure that he dresses extremely nicely so he’s wearing a professionally tailored suit complete with tie and freshly polished shoes.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake han...

A rich man wants to meet the Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama is in New York City walking with his entourage down Fifth Avenue. A rich man comes out to meet him. He's trying to push his way through the throngs of adoring people but the Dalai Lama's procession is moving too quickly. The rich man is running next to the crowd trying to catch up wi...

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons.

The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he ...

A man goes on a date

A man goes on a blind date, and really starts to like the girl. He makes moves, and they return tipsy to her house, where they talk for hours. The man gets her number, and returns to her house the next night. Days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months to years and he finally feels ready to marry ...

A Little Push...



Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:

\- What do you want?

\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can you help me?<...

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If EA was a female prostitute, she would charge you $80 to come over

Then show up wearing 50 dresses and charge you for each one that you take off

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Hung Like a Baby

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what th...

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The curious doctor

I haven't seen this one here so hopefully it's not a repost...

A man goes in for a physical and when he drops his pants for the hernia check the doctor sees the patients balls are brown. Concerned, the doctor asks politely "Sir, did you know your balls are brown?"

Perturbed, the patien...

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A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun.

A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly.

The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see...

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There was a princess

who came of age, so her parents the King and Queen called for all princes to come and court her.

Day after day, each suitor came by, telling the princess what they would give her and why she should marry them. This went on for a few weeks, and the princess remained unsatisfied.

Sudden...

Went to walmart

and asked the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

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Two guys and a girl walk into a hotel.

The manager of the hotel welcomes them in and congratulates them for being the 9,99,998th, 9,99,999th and 10,00,000th customers respectively. He says they have won a special prize for having completed one million customers.

He leads them to an empty swimming pool and says "This is a special ...

Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.

When he found her naked, he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."

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A man enters a bus one day

And sits next to the most beautiful nun he's ever seen. He tries to contain his excitement, but after awhile, he asks her

"Sister, I know you are not supposed to, but I find you to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would not forgive myself if I did not try. Would you grant me th...

An English couple have a child

After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop norma...

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[NSFW] A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to th...

Little boy Barrack

Little boy Barrack decides to go trick or treating with his friends. They each decide to dress like animals. One dresses like a shark, second like a deer, third like a cat and so forth. His friends get surprised when little boy barrack turns up with only underwear on and a woman on his back. Neverth...

How does a nun get laid?

She dresses up like an altar boy.

A friend of mine got married because he was tired of ironing his shirts...

now he also irons dresses

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You Never Know What We'll Get

It was the height of the depression and man was feeling pretty lonely. As he was out of work and only had a dollar to his name he made his way to the local house of ill-repute in the hopes of curbing his loneliness. He walks in, approaches the Madam and says, 'say, all I've got is a dollar. Is there...

All this trump merchandise made me wonder

We have make America great again hats, t shirts, and socks, but I've never seen a make America great again dress. I thought for a moment before realizing that presidential matter on dresses was bill clinton's thing.

A husband came home and found his wife laying naked on the bed

and asks her "Why are you naked, woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses...

The racing driver

The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.

With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.

"There's the problem," says the en...

4 MBA students.

4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard. They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.

They told their dean that they had all gone to a weddin...

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's r...

Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.

There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to th...

A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?"

. . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".

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The Mailman's Last Day

It's been 35 long years, but the mailman is doing his route for the last time. As he goes from house to house, he is greeted warmly by families. Some give him money, others a farewell gift, but all have kind words for the middle-aged man.

As he comes up to one particular house, the young, bu...

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A millionaire playboy dies, and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter looks at the list of everything he's done in his life, and sends him to Hell.

The playboy re-appears in Hell, but it looks like a huge, fancy cocktail party. All the men are in tuxedos, the women are all beautiful and in tight black dresses, and there are champagne bottles popping ...

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A woman meets a man at a bar, and they talk, and conversation turns to sex, and she says that she likes kinky sex.[NSFW]

"Oh!, I like kinky sex too", says he. So they decide to go to her flat and have sex. They arrive at her flat and she asks to be excused. She goes to her room and dresses up in black leather, high heels, all the set. She chooses a whip, several accessories, and returns to the living room, where she f...

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Saw this Islamic book shop today

So decided to have a look inside, almost immediately two men dressed in dresses came over and asked what I wanted,

I said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants?

One of the gentlemen said, "Fuck off get out and never come back", ...

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My girlfriend has this weird fetish

Where she dresses up like herself, and acts like a total bitch

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