Heisenberg is driving to a convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle

On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.

A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.

He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.

In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.

My favorite gift to give is uncertainty

Or is it?

Happy birthday.

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Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

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A wife tells her husband that she wants breast implants

Her husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that? You look gorgeous exactly the way you are."

"But I'm not HAPPY!" the wife complains.

The husband replies, "Well, I want you to be happy. But we don't need to spend a ton of money on implants. All you need to do is rub some toi...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

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Green ping pong ball.

These was once a girl, Sara, whos third birthday was coming up, and as this was the first time she was old enough to really understand what was happening, her parents asked her what she wanted.
"I want a green ping pong ball!" Sara answered immediately and without a hint of uncertainty. The par...

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

The Job Interview

Three men were sitting in the waiting room waiting to be interviewed. The first man was called in.
"Mr. Azarov, this is a job opening doing wetwork for the KGB. We need to test your loyalty and your determination. In the next room is your wife. Kill her."
The interviewer pushes a pistol ac...

The Heisenberg joke

Heisenberg was driving his car. Until he was stopped by the police.
Police office: do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but i know my position.
TIP:
(/s "The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (simply) is that you dont know the position, if you know the momentum. Therefor...

A cop car pulls over Heisenberg as he's driving on the highway...

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Officer: Well, you were going EXACTLY 100 mph.
Heisenberg: Great! Now I'm lost!

Shout-out to my physics professor for making the Heisenberg uncertainty principle less boring today.

This recent question was presented to a German national:

‘What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’ He answered: ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

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Bear with a dead list

The bear writes a death list. News of his death list spread across the forest like wildfire. Some of the animals who hear about it decide to go ask the bear about the list, thinking, that living in uncertainty is worse than knowing for certain that a bear is going to eat you. So, the fox goes to the...

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Problems In Bed

A man and his girlfriend were having sex for the first time. The man says to his girlfriend, "So you know exactly what position I'm in?"
She replies, "Yes,"
The man repeats, "You know EXACTLY what position I'm in?"
The girlfriend, slightly annoyed snappped, "Yes, I know EXACTLY what positi...

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park eating lunch.

As they eat they see two people walk into a house.

After a while they see three people leave the house.

The physicist says "Simple, due to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, the universe has spontaneou...

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