Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me

Blind dude: I feel you.

I grabbed a pack of Oreos out of the cabinet, but I had such a hard time getting them open that the pack suddenly ripped down the side and spilled them all over the floor.

Now they’re just Flooreos.

A Greek goes to his tailor with ripped pants

The tailor: Euripides?

The customer: Eumenides?

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover.

Did you hear about the guy who got his face ripped off by a leopard?

He's alt-right now.

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

How coul I have known I was getting ripped off buying this marionette?

It even said no strings attached

I showed my lawyer my ripped up bag and asked if I could sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got ripped off at the amusement park.

A guy sold me tickets to the ferrous wheel.

Turns out it’s made of aluminium.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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Did you hear about the man who ripped his cock off whilst masturbating?

He never saw it coming.

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

What do you call a ghost that is ripped?

A swoltergeist

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

How did Jesus stay so ripped?

Pontius Pilates and CrossFit

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

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A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

Wanna get a Jesus bod? Ever wonder how the Lord got so ripped?

CrossFit

You know what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

"I'm gonna kick that bucket."



And then he tripped and died.

I ripped my drawing as it looked bad.

The guy I drew the tattoo for was horrified.

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After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

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Man buys a talking centipede.

Man buys a talking centipede for $5000 and takes it home in a small box.

When he gets home, he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a beer?"

The centipede doesn't answer...

Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

30 mins later and getting...

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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

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You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a crappy drawing I did

Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

The devil ripped out my spine and ran away.

At least I know he'll always have my back.

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

A materialist

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You yuppi...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

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My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

A man got in a bad accident and got his left arm and left leg ripped off. But don't worry about him.

He's all right now!

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I got ripped off by a male prostitute

He never came

I learned the Mandalorian stays ripped by drinking his own brand of protein powder.

This Is The Whey

Last Christmas morning, I was so excited I ran downstairs and ripped open my Christmas present.

Sad thing is, it was a kitten.

The world’s greatest supervillain has captured the three best spies, Secret Agents Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie.

As a form of evil execution she releases them into an arena with a pack of vicious wolves.

First, they chase after Secret Agent Alpha, and although he tries to run from them, he is caught and torn apart.

Then the wolves turn to Secret Agent Bravo, and she stands her ground to fight the...

[OC] What did the sock say to the ripped sock?

Socks to be you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

A fourth of my roof was ripped right off by a tornado!!

Oof

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man had his penis ripped off by a prostitute after it had just been sewn back on after a surgery mishap.

The Chief of Police said this was redickless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Marine (long)

Out in the middle of the Afghan desert, a whole camp of Taliban soldiers doing whatever Talibans do on their slow days.

Suddenly, the company commander hears this voice yell out "one Marine is better than one-hunert Talibans!". It seems to be coming from behind a rock formation off in the dis...

My girlfriend's tights have ripped

They're on their last legs now.

This morning I ripped 'afresh' and 'anew' from my dictionary.



Tonight, I will kill again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

What do you call a ripped yeti?

The abdominal snow man.

How many Lithuanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, unless their arms got ripped off in some sort of horrifying accident, in which case it still only takes one, just a different one.

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

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A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.

The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.

I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off".

Best $600 I have ever spent!

After a long day at work, I came home to see that someone has ripped the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

How was Jesus Christ so ripped?

You never see Jesus Christ rockin a dad bod. How was it that Jesus Christ kept so toned and shredded?

CrossFit

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

The liquor store ripped me off.

They said they had dry wines, but they were just as wet as the other ones!

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