UPJOKE
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Unfair Jokes

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

My wife said that I always treat my kid unfairly.

I don’t even know which one she means, Tommy, Tina or the fat ugly one.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

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Don't you think it's unfair that some people get to be celebrities, but their siblings remain in the background?

I mean, everyone has heard of Hilary Swank, but not her sister, Gloria.

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair.

That only leaves the man with 30c.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

I was unfairly fired from the zoo

What was I meant to do? There were signs everywhere saying ‘don’t feed the animals’

I think I'm being unfair to short girls

I always look down on them.

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...

I've only lived here for 9 months

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Unfair Christmas

Two brothers open up their Christmas gifts. One got many gifts. Xbox One, PS4, tons of games, Legos, remote control vehicles, and much more. The other one got a used tennis ball. One brother says to the other "Look at all the gifts I got, and you got a shitty tennis ball. HAHA" the other replies "At...

Talk about unfair. My friend's mom kicked me out of the birthday party when I'd clearly won the scavenger hunt.

She was all like "I don't care how many vultures you shot, get those things out of here!"

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It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage.

He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.

What's unfair?

Someone stealing a letter from the carnival sign.

My parents are very unfair... they scolded me for something I didn't even do!

My homework.

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

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The comparisons between Trump and Hitler are a bit unfair...

...Hitler actually achieved his goals.

I was unfairly dismissed today from my job as a fireworks coordinator

It was bang out of order.

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Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing. Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade.

You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck.

We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.

No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

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I think its completely unfair that my wife won't do anal

I mean, shes up my ass 24/7.

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

Why did the political theory class think their teacher was being unfair?

He gave the whole class the same Marx

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

"Which one?" I replied, "Chris Jr, or the girl one?"

I tried to get out of Jury service by arguing that 12 jurors is unfair

It's 2 against 1

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

Unfair , girls get over 400 likes when they show a little nipple on facebook

When I showed a little head I only got banned

You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

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Dad: “Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.”

Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*

"honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?"

"who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"

It's so unfair that McDonalds turned their logo into a W for women's day

It's not like it they made it an M on men's day.

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Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.

But when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Women say it's unfair that men get more attractive as we get older.

It's usually because we hit bottom really hard and bounce back up.

Theresa May to put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. I think this is unfair...

They should be allowed to wear what they like.

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Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were driving their brand new truck one morning.

Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man. Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit out of him.

Man - "Hold on, this is unfair. There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."

Bubba - "You're right. Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."
...

Bernie Sanders looks and sounds like the High Sparrow from GoT, but that's an unfair comparison.

By next season, Reddit will still remember the High Sparrow.

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

A thief was expelled from music school.

It was a bit unfair, all he was doing was taking notes.

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

The author of what’s been described as “the world’s worst thesaurus” has dismissed the comments.

He’s described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.

I don't like to eat anything labeled "reformed ham"

As I think it is unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

People say that they’re being treated like a dog like it’s a bad thing but I wish I was treated like a dog

Because if a dog pees on someone’s lawn then everyone is chill but when I do it they call the cops. So unfair.

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

3 CEOs are in jail.

3 CEO's were in a jail cell.

The first guy said "I got put in here because I raised my prices and the government accused me of price gouging"

The second guy replied, "Really, I got put here because I lowered my prices and the government accused me of unfair competition!"

The thi...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

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After I did a Rorschach test, the therapist said I was a pervert.

That’s unfair. He’s the one with the dirty pictures.

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

A homeless man is sitting in a bar

After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.

Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"

The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology ...

Yesterday, I came to the sperm bank as a donor, but instead of appreciating it, the people there kept asking me questions.

Which I found totally unfair, because I obviously couldn't answer with my mouth full.

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can ...

Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."

Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"

Ethel replied...

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My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

I recently took a trip to Germany where I paid to take a tour of a concentration camp.

Seems unfair since other people got in for free.

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.

I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

"Can I get a pet fox?"

While browsing the forums I read a simple post, the question "Can I get a pet fox?"

Clicking inside, I read the top answer. "You can't tame a fox, but you can leash it to a post." Which I thought was a really succinct and apt commentary on how exotic pet ownership is sometimes unfair to speci...

Why was the shredded cheddar mad when the teacher gave him an F on the test?

He felt he had been unfairly grated.

What's the difference between Steve Jobs and Donald Trump?

A good many things, but it's a little unfair to compare Apples to oranges.

Donald Trump announced that he wants to put a cap on immigrants in the near future.

That seems unfair. They should be allowed to wear whatever they want.

Little Johnny asks the teacher

,“Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” - Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!” - Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" crie...

They say that Republicans no longer embody the Christian values they preach...

That's a little unfair if you ask me. They follow the golden rule perfectly. Whoever has the gold, rules.

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

Why did the Canadian meteorologists lose to the American meteorologists in basketball?

Because it was unfair in height

They just got rid of the head of the funfair.

That's unfair.

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At a bar, my friend made an astounding pool shot.

I asked how he did it. He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

After he finished destroying me at pool, we were playing darts and he hit nothing but bullseyes. I was pretty pissed. I asked, "Lemme guess. A line like magic?" He...

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So these four nuns are in a car accident and die...

... and are lined up at the pearly gates waiting to talk to St Peter. The first nun gte to the gate and St Peter asks her only one question: "Sister - Have you ever had anything to do with a man's penis?" The first nun replied "well i saw one once, but that's all". St Peter told her to wash her eye...

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

A lazy son's father comes home...

... And tells him son, who is laying on the couch all day:"Son, I talked to one of my friends and I have managed to get you a job!" "But dad..." says his son "I don't want to work, it's way too hard.". His father respons:"That's the good thing about it! It's the easiest job ever: You will work as a ...

One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?"

Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"

The mother cam...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

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Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek


But, the husband suddenly returns from his job


Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy


Boy: -Its dark here

Lover: -Yeah

B: - Wanna buy my ball?

L: -No

B: - My father is right outside...

L: -How m...

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A ventriloquist does a comedy show at a bar and makes a lot of jokes about blondes. A blonde lady stands up all feminazi and goes on a tirade.

"Blonde jokes are dehumanizing and offensive not only to blond people but to females like me. You are one of the reasons why we can't move up the corporate ladder and people look at us like we're dumb!

"It is unfair that you should brand blonds as intellectually incapable and dumb because we ...

Long- There is this old couple who could no longer care for themselves so they join an assisted living center

At first everything is going fine as they transition to the new lifestyle. When they first had joined the center they were seen as a loving couple as he had his hand on her thigh and she had her hand on his but over time they seemed to drift apart and about a year later he no longer even sat with he...

Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:

'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '

'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'

That's three agains two now.

You're right... Go home grand...

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An arrogant man who often judged others for the slightest misdeeds dies and finds himself waiting in heaven to be judged by god...

A man finds himself in a line to see "God". He can hear the conversations God has with each person as they reach the front of the line. Apparently the Lord is using a particular method to expedite coming up with proper punishments.

"No one knows your sins better than you my child, thus you sh...

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Yet another Little Johnny joke...

Little Johnny was in the classroom one day when the teacher came in and said...

Teacher: Ok class today we're on the letter S! Does anyone have any S words?

Little Johnny raises his hand high. The teacher looks around the room for more hands. Sarah then raised her hand.

Teacher:...

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There are two men who each bring a gift to a woman each day.

One brings her a flower, and the other an apple. Each day, the woman gets more and more anxious about who she is more flattered by, and so asks each of them what their professions are. The first man says, "I am a doctor, and each flower I bring you costs $500. I truly love you, so may you please lov...

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

A Military General Joking About Marines

This happened earlier today at a patriotic chapel service (could be the joke in itself)

Marine: \*walks into store in full uniform\* Hello, I'd like to purchase that TV set.

Employee: We are sorry sir, but I won't sell that to a marine.

Marine: This is outrageous and unfair. I w...

A girl and her boyfriend go to the hospital...

The girl goes in to the hospital to donate plasma. The boyfriend goes in to donate sperm.

Once they're finished, they get back together and discuss their profits. The girl says, "I got $30 to donate some plasma." The boyfriend then says to her, "I got $125 to donate sperm." Enraged, the girl ...

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