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Unacceptable Jokes

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?

Crowd - YES!

JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret

(laughter ....)

(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Being left handed is unacceptable...

It's just not right .

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

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Fat shaming is unacceptable...

...unless you disagree with me politically you fat fuck

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

Ethnic jokes are unacceptable. They are offensive, and hurtful to those on the receiving end. I see that so much in the Midwest with jokes portraying Norwegians and Swedish people as less than intelligent. It has to stop!

Let’s edit all ethnic jokes to those who are not easily offended, like, for example, the Hittites. The Hittites are extinct, there are no more Hittites in existence, so can we just make all ethnic jokes about them?

For example, there were two Hittites, let’s name them, I don’t know, how...

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

There was once a pig caretaker.

One man approached the caretaker and asked:

"What do you feed your pigs with?"

"I feed them food remains and trash."

"That's terrible. Your pigs could get sick."

So the caretaker decided to start giving them same food humans eat. The another man came up to him and asked s...

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."

So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.

A week later, the private school calls ...

A zookeeper walks into a restaurant with a bunch of animals...

The waiter exclaims, "This is totally unacceptable!"

The zookeeper responds, "But why?"

The waiter breathes a deep sigh and says, "Well, first of all, we need to address the elephant in the room..."

Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers?

The celery was unacceptable!

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An old married couple is lying in bed when...

the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and sa...

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

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Drunk private with a wheelbarrow

Sergeant: So as I understand it, private, yesterday after curfew, you were caught arriving from a night out, piss-drunk, with a fucking wheelbarrow?!

Private: Yes, sir that is correct but I think-

Sergeant: I'm thinking 10 days solitary confinement! This is absolutely unacceptable beha...

Told my boss that I wasn't coming in because my wife refused to give me a BJ.

He sighed and said, "Frankly, Tom, I think that's unacceptable."


"Exactly," I said. "But try telling her that."

I lost my job at the calendar factory.

My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.

Working from home - day 6

Client: "No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors"

Me: "Moooom!"

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

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Little Timmy’s playing with his trains

He’s sitting at the dining room table and his toy train pulls up to the station. Timmy says “We’ve arrived at Union Station, if this is your stop, get the fuck off, if you’re heading north, get the fuck on we’re ready to go.”

Timmy’s mom hears him say this and scolds her son. She tells him...

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The driver can't hold himself and says: "Oh my goodness, what an ugly baby"

The woman walks to the back of the bus angrily, thinking about what the driver said. She finds an empty seat next to a man and sits there. The man asks: "Excuse me madam, what happened back there, would you mind telli...

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Why do Japanese women have such small breasts?

Their entire lives their fathers told them getting anything other than an 'A' was unacceptable.

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into he...

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A woman hears a knock a her door...

She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.

"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered sex offender."

"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.

A few seconds lat...

[Long] I was at dinner with my wife...

I ordered a steak and the waiter delivered it with his thumb on top of it. "Sir, this is unacceptable, your thumb was in my food," I complained. The waiter replied, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't want it to fall on the floor again."

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The parrot and the prostitutes

A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. One particular parrot is extremely cheap. She asks the pet shop owner why. The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language. Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teachin...

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An old grumpy lady gets in a bus.

She hijacks the speaker and yells :


"All of you that sit on the left side of this bus are assholes ! The ones sitting on the right are sons of bitches !!!"


A man rise and answers :


"Mrs. This is absolutely unacceptable, i'm not an asshole !"


"**THEN GET ON...

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”

The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”

A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.

“Doc...

The lumberjack

Delbert lands his dream job. He gets hired on as a logger. On his first day, the boss man takes him out into the woods, gives him his chainsaw, and says "Usually, our guys can cut down about 100 trees a day. Its your first day, so I'll understand if you're a bit short. Now get to it."

And wit...

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Young Samuel Jackson (an old one, adapted)

Young Samuel Jackson got a toy train for Christmas one year. His parents set up the track for him, and he happily sat down to play while the parents went about their business.

Sam yelled, "All you motherfuckers gettin on the train, get on the train! All you motherfuckers gettin off the train...

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

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A boy is playing with a toy train in the living room

He says "ALRIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! Get on the train dont waste my fucking time! lets GO GO GO!"

The mother hears this and, aghast, says "Johnny! Where did you learn to talk like that! This is totally unacceptable!"

For a time-out she had him sit in the bathroom for 2 hours without his t...

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One of the fairly ok jokes I know

So there's a radio station contest and you need to ring in with a made up word, the two criterion being: you need to be able to use it in a sentence and it needs to not be in the dictionary.

(RA - radio announcer, C - caller)


RA: Hello? We have our first caller on the line! Please ...

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

Johnny steals a pencil

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.

"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. A...

This lady was walking by a pet shop.....

...with a parrot in the window. As she's passing by the parrot squawks

"rrrawww.... Lady, you're ugly!!"

She is so offended by this that she storms into the store and demands to speak to the pet shop owner. she tells him "Your parrot just insulted me!" The pet shop owner apologized an...

Shlemiel the Painter

Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck.

The next day Shlemie...

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A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

Two friends, one is a religionist, the other is a heretic

Despite their huge difference they were best friends since childhood. While religionist one praying, the heretic one drinking all the time and hanging out with hookers. The heretic one suddenly died one day and religionist one prayed so much for him as he has been doing everyday.
When the religi...

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

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Little Jimmy is playing with his train set

While his mother is washing the dishes. She is enjoying listening to him playing so pauses to hear him better. "chuga chuga, chuga chuga, choo choo! We are now at the station, anyone that wants to get on the fucking train, get on the fucking train, anyone that wants to get off the fucking train get ...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

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It was JoeBob's first day of school in the big city after moving from the back country...

...and one of the teachers was giving him a tour of the school. JoeBob was amazed at all of the different kinds of kids there were at this school compared to back home.

As they were walking the halls, he spotted a kid in a wheelchair. "Wow", he said, "Ya'll let cripples go school here too...

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