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Motel Jokes

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

A photon checks into a motel

the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."

The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"

What do you call a motel abortion?

An early checkout...

What's the difference between a highly paid lawyer doing meth in a penthouse and a cheap doing meth in a motel?

About 6 months.

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Motel

A man checks into a motel. He asks for a queen bed and non smoking. The lady at the desk asks if he has any special requests. The man requests that the be disabled. The woman yells at the man "you sick ! We only have regular here!”

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I checked into a motel and told the clerk that I wanted the in my room disabled.

He said, "We don't have disabled . Only the regular type, you sick !"

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular , you sick .

Jesus walked into a motel 6

And said “Sorry innkeeper I don’t have any money, but I have 3 nails. Can you put me up for the night?”

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

If someone wants to say the word "motel" backwards

Just letom.

What does a cheap motel and tight jeans have in common?

No ball room

Motel 6’s slogan is “we’ll leave the light on for you”.

Because you definitely do not want to be there when it’s dark.

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A man in a motel called for a prostitute.

The pimp replied " $50 for an ugly one, $500 for a pretty one. " The man wanted an ugly one.

She arrived and undressed herself and was told to sit naked on the sofa overnight.

In the morning, she asked "Why did you call me to come here? "

He replied " There are too many mosq...

What do motels and skinny jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...

... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.

What do you call a motel in the middle of a cornfield?

A maize Inn.

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A man, his wife, and their three young children arrive at a motel.

The man goes to the front desk and says, "I sure hope the is disabled."

The clerk looks at him funny. "It's regular , you sick ."

How are a pair of skinny jeans like a cheap motel?

No ballroom

A year ago I left home and since, I've only been living at guesthouses and motels.

Today I celebrated my inn dependence.

Chicken and egg check in to the motel

Know this one?

They get busy, then kick back. Egg lights up a cigarette. Chicken says, 'Well that settles that.'

Why does Motel 6 leave the light on for you?

It keeps the roaches in hiding.

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Old man goes up to a prostitute,

and says that he'll give her $100 to let him do weird things to her. She agrees and they go to a nearby motel. Inside the room she ducks to the bathroom to freshen up and undress,and comes back to find the old guy already in bed. She hops in with him,but to her surprise he doesn't touch her,and they...

How does Norman Bates get to the Bates Motel?

He takes the psycho path! (I'll see myself out...)

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

I finally caught her.

I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a f...

They called it the Fiddle Motel.....

....but it was a vile inn.

Some guy got stabbed in a motel near me last week.

I guess you could call it a bled and breakfast.

Called the front desk of our motel and told him "I've gotta leak in the sink."

He said "That's OK, just rinse it out when you're done."

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected)

A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping u...

A married man goes to a motel with his lover

And all of a sudden finds his father-in-law's car in the parking lot. In an attempt to prank him, he keys the car all around. After that, he goes with his lover and stays a few hours at the motel. Later, he payes a visit to his father-in-law as a surprise, and finds him very upset.

-What's wr...

So there’s this witch that owns a motel and she’ll give you a discount room if you consent to her experimenting on you...

The sign outside says, “Come on in and rest for a spell”.

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Businessman

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kind...

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The body of an homosexual, existentialist fugitive was found in a motel 2 years after the case went cold.

Across an entire wall the words "How do they know" were scrawled, surrounded by places and names connected by bits of string.
The police investigated this, but they couldn't decipher it beyond the ravings of a madman.

The body was found in front of a computer after people at the motel repo...

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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute....

The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of prostitut...

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A man hired a hitman

"my wife is cheating on me, I saw her going to a motel nearby" says the man

They went to a building next to the motel, the Hitman took his rifle and asked the man: how much will you pay me for this?

"I'll give you $4000 if you put a bullet in her head and another one on his "
...

A young man is vacationing in Spain…

… when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.

The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hoste...

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A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest no...

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My wife is really , she likes to talk to me during .

The other night she called me from her motel room

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The sun is beating down and the.....

It's a slow day in a rural New Zealand Town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit:

On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk say...

On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
...

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Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a .

At the club:

Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?

Wife: How does he know you?

Chad: We play golf together!

Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?

Wife: And how does he kno...

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy

so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said,
"Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had revenge.
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge",
and they took revenge again.

After 5 times, To...

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Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says ‘you will be careful won’t you?’

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks ‘Why?’

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storm...

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says My dear now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up f...

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking...

so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was a witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

A man is driving through southern Alabama late at night when his car breaks down

“Just my luck,” he thinks as he decides to start walking. Fortunately, after a quarter mile or so he finds an open, albeit shabby motel. He checks in with the extremely backwoods desk clerk and sees that the place won’t win any Michelin awards, but he just needs a place to lay his head until the mo...

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Joe on his honeymoon

Joe was nervous about his honeymoon seeing as he was a virgin. His buddy told him not to worry, just go to the town motel with paper thin walls, he would be next door and help guide him on what to do. Joe and his bride get to the motel. While Joe is in the bathroom showering ,his bride had to go to ...

A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't d...

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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

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I told my wife I'd take her to the movies after I got some ...

So I called her from the motel and asked what she wanted to see.

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

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Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance...

she said she was a witch.

i met this woman through a dating service and so we went on a date.

we were driving along when she said, "i'm a witch."

i said, "prove it."

so she whispered in my ear and i turned into a motel.

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

What do you call a cow grazing on grass?

A: A Lawn Mooer.

Yes, it's bad. Context: My wife and I took a summer long road trip across America, spending nights in motels and getting up early and driving far to our next destination for almost two full months so we could see as many of the sights as possible.

One morning, bright...

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Doctor visit in europe

A young couple goes to the doctors office with the complaint that they have trouble having . What is the problem exactly? says the doctor. We don't know the couple says, it just doesn't work.

Well, says the doctor, why don't you try it in the treatment room. Ok says the couple, they go in...

So my black friend told me that he had a dream.....

Black friend: I have a dream and want to persue it.
Me: It would be better if you don't pursue it.
Black friend: Why do you say that?
Me: Because the last black guy who had a dream, got shot in a motel.

A girl is out with her friend when says,

"Hey, do you see what I see over at that motel?!?"
the friend replies, "no, what is it?"

In anger she says to her friend, "That's my dad's car! I know it's my dad's car because the license ends in 0 and has the university sticker that I put on it. I can't believe it. Mom's at home taking ...

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...
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