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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

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Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

The American navy leader says "I'll show how brave my soldiers are! John! Climb to the top of the mast of this ship and dive head first into the water!"

"On it, sir!" John replies.

...

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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What did joker say when harley requested for sex?

You wouldn’t get it

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Police Officer (Outside the house): Knocks on a mans door

Man (From inside the house): "Who are you?

Police Officer: "We are the police. You are requested to open the door."

Man: "Why? What do you want?"

Police Officer: "We just want to talk"

Man: "How many of you are there?

Police Officer: "There's two of us"

Man:...

Dog Show Hair Remover

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacist for some hair remover. The pharmacist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes." "Errr... it's n...

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

< Healing >



A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

I invited my family for dinner

They specifically requested a small portion of bull meat each, but I bought a huge slice of cow meat, and I cooked it medium rare

Guess I made a big miss steak

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call

Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately.

Please prepare the cabin.

Crew: Why, what is happening?

Pilot: Threat of an explosive.

Cew: What? What explosive?!

Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.

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Kim Jong-Un decided to have a big celebration.

[Long]
He wanted this to be an amazing event, so he made sure to hire the best orchestra around. The director was world renowned to have the most amazing musicians.


The day of the celebration came, but when the orchestra started to play, it was terrible. Kim was so mad, he ordered the...

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Chu...

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My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

Interview with the Pope and a Rabbi.

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication.
Generally I write human interest articles.
Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.

Upon entering the Pope's office I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug.
The pope and I had an amazing conve...

An old lady went to the bank and requested for them to check her balance

The teller pushed her over.

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. [Long]

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. The priest says, "I have something I need to confess. Before he died, your husband gave me an envelope with $250,000 in it and requested I place it in the casket with him. I know he was rich and loved his money, so I swore t...

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...
"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass buildi...

A man went to a tattooist and requested a tally mark on his back

Every couple of weeks, the same customer came in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks. One day, the tattooist decides to ask: "What are you counting?"

The man says: "The number of tattoos i've gotten"

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

Why is Pinocchio the most requested at the Disney brothel?

Because he lets girls sit on his face while he tells them lies.

I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.

Millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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An Ohio scientist goes to Japan for a press conference as the main speaker.

However, he was not informed that the press conference wasn't in English. The translator was there, but there were many moments of laughter among the audience when he translated for the scientist. When he inquired, the translator did not give any reason.

After the press conference and coming ...

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