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Prescribe Jokes

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

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Doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation

Thought it was a strange until on the way home i saw a dragon and shit myself

Why was the Mexican prescribed Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

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Why did the Doctor prescribe Ivermectine to Joe Rogan?

Joe said he was a little hoarse...

Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

He told him it would help him control hispanics.

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"Doctor, please prescribe the best medicine for covid-19"

"I'm prescribing Superglue. Apply it on your ass and sit at home."

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A constipated blonde goes to the doctor, who prescribes her with suppositories.

A week later, the blonde comes back and tells the doctor that she's still constipated.

"Did you take the suppositories like I asked you to?"

"I did, but it didn't work."

"Oh my. This had never happened to one of my patients before. My suppositories have always worked! Why didn't...

The doctor prescribed some domperidone for my nausea.

I was a bit apprehensive at first but I've been sipping this champagne and it worked like a charm!

Happy New Year everyone!

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I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

A Women was prescribed male hormones

for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."...

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Doctor prescribed me pills for 14 days

I had to do another 7 days because they were too weak.

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

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My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

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My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

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My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

When a doctor prescribes you medicine and bed rest

Is that considered aiding and abedding?

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

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I've been unable to sleep due to severely sunburned legs. I went to the doctor and he prescribed Viagra.

Me: "Wow, I didn't know Viagra helps for sunburn."

Doc: "It doesn't, but it will help keep the bedding off your legs."

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What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?

Antifistamines.

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At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

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The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

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My doctor prescribed me some iron pills. Apparently they make your poop go way dark...

That's black-shit-crazy!

A woman's doctor prescribes her testosterone

...for better bone density, libido, and mood. The woman is a bit dubious, but readily follows the doctor's orders.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Smith?" he asks.

She replies, "Oh, just wonderful. I am noticing a positive change on t...

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

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My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today.

Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication

it was a tough pill to swallow

My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.

They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your ...

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

My doctor prescribed me a drink to help with my Parkinson's disease.

On the front it says, "Shake before use."

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

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