A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

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"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

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At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

Why was the Mexican prescribed Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Did you hear the one about the guy whose doctor prescribed him faulty ED medication?

He had thrust issues.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

My doctor prescribed anti-gloating ointment.

I can't wait to rub it in.

A Women was prescribed male hormones

for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."...

Doctor prescribed me pills for 14 days

I had to do another 7 days because they were too weak.

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

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My doctor prescribed me some iron pills. Apparently they make your poop go way dark...

That's black-shit-crazy!

A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?

A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.

“I’ve been farting a lot lately, doc,” says the man. “I’ve actually farted ten times since I’ve been in here. But they don’t make any noise and they don’t smell. Can you help me?”

The doctor says, “I think I see the problem. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take ...

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

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My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

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I didn't understand why the doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation....

...until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

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I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

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My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

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My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

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I was talking to a man who was prescribed Viagra as an anti-depressant

He told me how life keeps getting harder and harder

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.

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My therapist prescribed me some HGH

They thought it might help me grow up a little bit.

What cold medicine does the starbucks-addicted doctor prescribe to his patience?

Coughy

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

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What does a doctor prescribe a hardcore porn actress, when her vagina is too swollen to work?

Antifistamines.

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The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

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Tablet trouble

A bloke was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later he was back at the doctor's complaining his constipation was worse, not better. The doctor asked, 'Have you been taking the suppositories regularly?' 'What do you think I've been doing?' said the bloke. 'Sh...

Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

He told him it would help him control hispanics.

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Did you hear about the doctor who prescribed viagra to the man with depression?

He said things just keep getting harder and harder.

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A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

A patient goes to a greedy doctor to get a rash checked out.

The doctor prescribes him an ointment, but realizes he has no insurance and cannot pay for it. The following interaction ensues.

Doctor: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke about this ointment?

Patient: Sure.

Doctor: Eh...Nevermind. You're not gonna get it, it's topical.

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

I went to see my GP because I have a fear of palindromes.

**He prescribed me xanax**

A man goes to a vet with a sick chihuahua

A man takes his sick chihuahua to the vet. They're immediately taken back to the room.

Soon, a labrador walks in, sniffs the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and ...

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?

Anty depressants.

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I'm gonna do my best to translate this from my native language......

there was this guy who was so horny when he went to the doctor, the doctor missed diagnosed him and instead, he prescribed him viagra so the dude became extra hornier that he started fucking everything with a hole, he fucked his wife, daughter than to his son and didn't spare even his mother. so the...

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

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My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today.

Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

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Older man and Viagra

An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. He asks for the largest dose the doctor can prescribe. The doctor asks, "why so much?" The man says, "two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place." The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the man co...

My doctor prescribed me a drink to help with my Parkinson's disease.

On the front it says, "Shake before use."

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An old man goes to the doctor and is prescribed some suppositories...

He didn't know what they were but he felt he was supposed to know and so he thought he would bother the doctor by asking. So he gets home and asks his wife. She didn't know either.
"Why don't you call the doctor and ask?", she says.
"Oh, I don't want to bother him."
"Go on, he's a doctor, h...

A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.


He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.


He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown f...

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I was at the pharmacy to get some Viagra..

The pharmacist asked me if I had it prescribed.
I answered: No, but you can see a pic of my girlfriend.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your ...

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

Chicken! Run!

A man has been suffering from a rare delusion: he considered himself to be a grain of wheat, and was therefore mortally afraid of the chickens.

He has eventually been hospitalized and treated for about a year. At his annual check-up, the attending asked this guy if he was still considering hi...

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

A woman walks into her dermatologist’s office

and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large H-shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now, that is the strangest rash I've ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we mak...

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A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

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Big Chief problems

A proud Indian chief walks in the doctors office with his wife.
She says ‘big chief, no fart!’
The doctor understands the problem immediately and prescribes a laxative and to return in 3 days.
3 days later, the chief and his wife walk back in, the chief looking visibly uncomfortable,
...

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

Doctor Visit

I told my doctor that the pills she prescribed had me seeing colors.

She said it was a pigment of my imagination.

A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."

"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe yo...

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

Obesity runs in my family.

An obese woman goes to the doctor. The doctor prescribes diet and exercise. The woman says, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My sister is obese. My brother is obese. My aunts are obese. Obesity runs in my family. " The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs...

An elderly lady went to the doctor to discuss her stubborn husband's erectile dysfunction

Upon explaining the situation to the doctor, he told her to take these little blue pills, slip one in his coffee, and he would be good to go in no time. So later that day, the elderly lady and her husband are having coffee and she slips a pill into his without him noticing. Shortly after, he picks u...

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A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

Stop saying no to drugs

You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.

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A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

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Old Man Goes to The Doctor

(This is my own joke so it shouldn't be a repost.)


An Old man goes to the doctor.


"Doctor, my wife keeps complaining to me that I don't make love to her anymore. I keep telling her that at my age its not easy, but the complaining never stops. So here I am."


The...

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So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

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Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

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Suppositories

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.
She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?' Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker...

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My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

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A man living in a village gets sick

The villagers carry him to a doctor in the city. The doctor prescribes him a suppository, and says "Give it from the anus". The villagers say okay, and return to the village. They ask all of the townspeople, but nobody, even the wisest ones don't know what anus means. Only thing they can do is askin...

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A woman storms into a doctor’s office and demands to see the doctor immediately.

The attendant, flustered, says there will be a wait, but the woman refuses and stomps past the attendant’s desk and into an exam room. Moments later, the doctor enters.

“Okay Mrs. Thompson, what is the problem you’re so angry about?”

Mrs. Thompson opens her blouse, revealing a thick g...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

An old woman goes to the doctor...

and talks to him about a problem she is having.

"I have a terrible time with gas. Luckily, they are silent and scentless. In fact, I've farted several times while I've been here. While it isn't ruining my day to day living, it is terribly embarrassing."

The doctor thinks a minute an...

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor p...

An old lady goes to the doctor

An old lady goes to the doctor because she's been having heart trouble. He prescribes her some testosterone to help with her condition.

A week later she goes back to the doctor.
"Doctor, that medicine you gave me had a bad side effect. I've grown hair in an odd place"
"Please tell me wh...

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