This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife has put us on a low carb diet....

But it isn't all bad, Friday's is cheat day. So last week I fucked her sister.

My doctor told me I need to try a low-carb diet.

He put me on 6 weeks of breadrest.

Cutting carbs

You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right.




I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer

. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

What do you call a bunch of Muslims on a low carb diet?

A Mosque-Keto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad there’s water in the carburetor (long)

A father let’s his son borrow the car. Hours later his son returns and says, “Dad I’m sorry there’s water in the carburetor.”
His dad responds, “water? In the carburetor? Yeah fucking right that doesn’t happen.”
The son is quiet for a moment, then says: “Dad I assure you there’s water in the c...

How much bread can you eat on a low carb diet in India?

Naan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, “I don’t have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday.” The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, “I told you, I don’t have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady brought her car into my shop the other day

It had a rough idle. I adjusted and cleaned the carburetor. Called the lady to come pick it up, and when she got there she asked what was going on. I said "shit in the carb". She said "how often do I need to do that?"

Carbs

are my starch enemy.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the r...

I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I load up carbs, rest and don't run.

Baltimore Ravens go low carb

Baltimore ravens go low carb and cut Rice. (I will see myself out)

Unhealthy food

So the guy goes to the doctor, says he doesn't feel all to good. The doc poked him a bit, measured his pulse and stuff, and finally gave him a questionnaire about his diet.

So he reads about his last week's menu.
- Red meat? You can't have that much red meat! You know how much saturated f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Herodotus was a vlogger

It's ya boi Herodotus back atch ya with another travlog!

So, I was in Delphi, and man, they be real mad with em Spartans.

Not taking sides, just my 2 Drachmae. Maybe my Athenian homies should've toned down their backstabbing a little bit, so that those Spartan hunks didn't have to canc...

What's the difference between a potato and your sister?

Ones is fat, lumpy and full of carbs. The other is a potato.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.

He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.

"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?

He was caught counting carbs.

I am both dyslexic and diabetic...

So needless to say I fell in love with the idea of "All You Can Eat Carb Legs".

I slept with a fat dyslexic woman last night

She gave me carbs

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.