I ate a ghost once. I wouldn't recommended it.

Tasted like sheet.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

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My gf recommended I get a penis enlargement surgery. I told her I'd get it done...

... as long as it made her happy

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

My mate recommended I try the new Breadcrumb aftershave

Apparently the birds love it!

9/10 doctors recommended Colgate

Except Dr Pepper

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

A friend recommended I read the book Bartleby the Scrivener

I would prefer not to.

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

It is now recommended to wear a mask inside your own home

To avoid being 400 lbs. by the time the quarantine is over.

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

My wife went off on a guy on Twitter and said he was demonstrating his Neanderthal genetics

I recommended she should avoid *ad hominin* attacks

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven’t seen him since

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

Sermon

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.

The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that w...

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

ADHD & Sleep Problems. Funny That You Asked!!

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. \*Old MacDonald had a farm\* and bingo was his name-o!

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

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I once read a sexual health website that recommended men stick their dick in an oven...

I thought to myself, "Now that's a hot tip"

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

BREAKING NEWS: Young man crashed into the back of a semi and died on the way to see a movie his friends recommended to him.

He didn’t see the trailer.

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy


"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home p...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats

I should stop using recipes from tumblr.

TIL I can be fired for taking blood thinners like my doctor recommended

I also learned whiskey is not an acceptable generic substitute.

(accidentally also posted this in r/funny)

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

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My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.

I then saw myself out.

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The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me

Reddit already.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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Sex is like facemasks

It's recommended, not required.

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