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Recommended Jokes

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

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My therapist recommended I take up meditation

She said at least its' better than sitting doing nothing.

My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it

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My therapist recommended CBT

I dunno if it's working, but boy do my cock and balls hurt

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Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

A friend recommended contrast hot / cold shower

So I tried it. Don't see any health benefits yet but I have become easier to peel.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

9/10 doctors recommended Colgate

Except Dr Pepper

Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy


"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home p...

A friend recommended I read the book Bartleby the Scrivener

I would prefer not to.

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats

I should stop using recipes from tumblr.

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

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I once read a sexual health website that recommended men stick their dick in an oven...

I thought to myself, "Now that's a hot tip"

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

TIL I can be fired for taking blood thinners like my doctor recommended

I also learned whiskey is not an acceptable generic substitute.

(accidentally also posted this in r/funny)

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

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“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

What did the Frog say to the Librarian when she recommended him a book?

Reddit, Reddit.

When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me

Reddit already.

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

BREAKING NEWS: Young man crashed into the back of a semi and died on the way to see a movie his friends recommended to him.

He didn’t see the trailer.

Donut BJ

There are 3 guys going to a known brothel because they heard how amazing it is. They all request one woman that was very recommended by all their friends.

So, the first guys go in and for 10 minutes and come out with a smile on his face. He says, omg, that was the best BJ I have gotten in my...

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My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.

I then saw myself out.

I bought a pair of nunchucks today.

Highly recommended; they've already chucked two annoying nuns away from me.

Why did 7 eat 9 ?

it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day

A pelican walks into a bar

The pelican sits down at the bar and the bartender says "what'll it be?"

The pelican says, "I'll have your recommended IPA."

The bartender pours him his drink, the pelican socializes with others in the bar, and as thirty minutes passes, he finished his drink and the bartender says to h...

what do a Womans Dress and a Womans Adress have in common?

if you look up either one without consent it's Inappropriate creepy And not recommended by any means.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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