(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

My girlfriend was raving about our neighbors Marble Countertops.

I was unimpressed, but maybe I just took them for Granite

I was once in a meeting with a bunch of people raving about how the script for Tommy Wiseau’s movie is amazing. I finally just said “I doubt it” and they all fell silent and stared at me in anger, until one of them said,

“You really need to read the room.”

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

Kids These Days Can't Take Care of Presents

I got my kid one of those 'Fortnite' things everyone's been raving about, it only lasted two weeks.

If you party while you're angry

You're raving mad.

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

I've always wanted to see a live performance of "Our American Cousin"

My buddy Abe wouldn't stop raving about it. He kept talking about how his mind was literally blown.

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The body of an homosexual, existentialist fugitive was found in a motel 2 years after the case went cold.

Across an entire wall the words "How do they know" were scrawled, surrounded by places and names connected by bits of string.
The police investigated this, but they couldn't decipher it beyond the ravings of a madman.

The body was found in front of a computer after people at the motel repo...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli...

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A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...

If you do MDMA you should seriously consider a career as a movie critic.

They're always raving.

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

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The Special

Two buddies are out at a bar swapping stories and getting wasted.

Just as last call is signaled, one of them remarks to the other, "You know, Jon, its been a long time since I really gave it to a woman. I mean, just really let her have it, you know?" He pounded his fist into his palm lightly...

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Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking

An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the F...

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:

"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the can...

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An old man was walking home with a duck under his arm

He walked for miles and miles with this duck under his arm braving rain wind and storms, finally after about 15 miles he makes it home and the man's wife asked "why are you holding a duck under your arm?" He replied " it's the pig I've been fucking" the wife understandably pissed off and confused ra...

An assortment of GoT puns (don't worry, no spoilers)

Note: I have not seen a single episode of GoT, nor have I read the books. All my knowledge is based off of what I hear in the news. Feel free to insert your "OP knows as much as Jon Snow" joke here.

So, here goes:

What should George R.R. Martin have called the Night's Watch? The Snow P...

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Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.

He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but on...

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Nudist Dilemma (Very NSFW)

A very attractive nudist couple (Sam and Julie) are laying by the lagoon when an overzealous bee flies straight into Julie's crotch. The couple spot this and Sam tries to swat the bee away. Freaking out, the bee begins to go inside and buries itself deep inside her Vag.


It is now the coup...

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