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Aaron is in geometry class. His teacher is yelling at him because he’s wearing AirPods while the teacher is talking. In the middle of his rant, Aaron says “You’re such a square!”

The teacher says “prove it”.

[Rant] I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

A lawyer boarded an airplane...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying fr...

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

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A divorced man and a vet walk into a bar

They start discussing about their lifes.
The divorced man rants
" My first wife was a bitch who only cared about my money.
My second wife was a bitch who only cared about herself.
My third wife was a bitch who only cared about my dick size."

The vet replies
"bitches huh, tell ...

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

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A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

My Mexican father was ranting today that because our city has banned gatherings of more than 100 people due to the Coronavirus

We have to take two cars to go out to dinner as a family.

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

I just did a public rant about how evil people who make up stories on the internet are.

When I was done, everyone clapped.

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

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A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

No one here needs to read a rant. It's just been difficult these past few hours. I don't know how to proceed.

Alexa. Play Rick Roll.

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

So Donald Trump was talking to one of his aides, and off on one of his usual rants

“We need less immigrants! Less Mexicans! Less Colombians! Less Guatemalans! Less Puerto Ricans!”

Finally the aide couldn’t take it anymore, leaned in and said quietly: “fewer.”

“I told you not to call me that yet!!”

What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?

"Donald" and "Trump".

What do you call it when a person sees a Christmas-themed commercial and then goes on a rant about the over-commercialization of the holiday?

An Ad Vent!

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

My son's Star Wars joke.

What do you give to a stinky Jedi?

De-Yoda-rant

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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”

People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,

find the origi...

Me and my friend were out camping in a thick tropical forest.

As we set camp for the night, we were being swarmed by huge mosquitoes. My friend, being a person who was brought up in a posh neighborhood, had never seen such an insect and was terrified. After having a hard time spraying mosquito repellent inside the camp and our sleeping bags, we slid into our s...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"

"Your mom," I replied.

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

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At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

What do you call a knight that complains about his job?

Sir Rants-a-lot

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He w...

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Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.

They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they ...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

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My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

A green pepper and a mushroom were baking on a pizza...

The Green Pepper starts ranting. "I don't like it," he said. "It used to be that people only put green peppers on pizza. Now there's banana peppers, red peppers, crushed red pepper... It's not right. Only green peppers should be on a pizza."

The Mushroom, having heard this nonsense before, wa...

An Asian lady walks into a bank

She is trying to exchange yen for sterling.

She rants at the cashier " yesterday I get 200 pounds for 1 yen, today I only get 180, why is this? ".

The cashier replies " fluctuations ",

the lady replies " fluck you white people too".

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Friedrich Nietzsche opened a club.

Overnight, it became the hottest new place in town. It seemed like everyone was turned away at the door for not meeting dress code. Eventually, one guy shows up and fights the bouncer after being rejected. When he won, the bouncer stripped naked, handed the guy his clothes, and told him he could hea...

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One day in math...

...we got two new transfer students. They were twins named Ving and Ling who had moved in from Korea. I sat next to Ving during class and I got to know him pretty well. We liked the same books, movies, games, you name it! At the end of the quarter, we had a huge unit exam, it was about 30% of our gr...

Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailga...

An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job.

The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin.
Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test.
Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct.

After some waiting the boss comes throu...

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

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My grandfather was a Grammar Nazi

I'm getting really tired of listening to his antisemantic rants.

An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:

"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."

The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into t...

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So my girlfriend turns to me...

she says "do you think I'm pretty?" I think about it and say "You're definitely a 6". For some reason she gets offended and starts ranting about how I'm an asshole and that she's been battling with low self esteem. I tried to explain that 6 is perfect, but she was never one to appreciate number theo...

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A man buys a very talkative parrot....

At the pet store the parrot was sweet. He said "I love you!" and "pretty bird." So he bought the delightful little Polly.

As soon as he got Polly home, everything changed. "HEY COCKSUCKER!" the parrot squawked. "FUCK YOU FUCKER!"

But it didn't end with a few insults. The bird ra...

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The sex shop!

A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.

The owner...

I can't complain

My politically passionate friend was going on a rant about Trump's election. He was absolutely livid, and asked me what I thought.

"I can't complain," I said, nonchalantly.

Incredulous, my friend shouted, "How can you possibly be so cool about this? We just elected a misogynist to the ...

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I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of random stuff...

It was a vague rant.

The first rule of the thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, babble, describe, divulge, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse or gossip about the thesaurus club.

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The Special

Two buddies are out at a bar swapping stories and getting wasted.

Just as last call is signaled, one of them remarks to the other, "You know, Jon, its been a long time since I really gave it to a woman. I mean, just really let her have it, you know?" He pounded his fist into his palm lightly...

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We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it wi...

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:

"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the can...

Jesus and Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

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A lawyer walks into a bar...

Mr. Jones, the lawyer, walked into a bar. The bartender poured him a drink, then noticed Mr. Jones had a black eye. “What happened to you?” asked the bartender. “You look like you’ve been in a fight.”

“It’s been just an awful day at work, I tell you what.” said Mr. Jones. “I don’t even work i...

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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense...

You could say it was a vague rant.

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A lawyer was getting out of his BMW one day...

...when an 18 wheeler came by and ripped the door right off his car. He quickly called the police, and when a patrol car arrived he began a rant, screaming
"Cahps, cahps, look what they did to mah beemah!"

The cop replies "You lawyers are so materialistic! Haven't you noticed you left arm ...

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During WWII, An Old Man Worked At a Concentration Camp in Poland...

Due to the Nazi's bombing the factory he used to work in. His job was to move straw back and forth, he would take new straw bales shipped in every morning, put the hay in wheelbarrows where prisoners would then bring the wheelbarrows to where it was needed.

Every night, he had to bring the o...

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A rabbit walks into a bar

So a rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"Got any carrots?"
The bartender says "No sorry, we don't have any carrots."

The next day the rabbit goes back to the bar and again asks, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender is a little annoyed now and snaps back "No! I told you yeste...

Strong Man Contest

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your...

A guy walks into a petshop

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give
it a go, so he bought one and took it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
But there w...

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Nudist Dilemma (Very NSFW)

A very attractive nudist couple (Sam and Julie) are laying by the lagoon when an overzealous bee flies straight into Julie's crotch. The couple spot this and Sam tries to swat the bee away. Freaking out, the bee begins to go inside and buries itself deep inside her Vag.


It is now the coup...

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A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

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Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.

He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but on...

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The Irish man at the bar

One day an American takes a trip to a small town in Ireland to get away from the big city. As his first order of business he decides that he just has to visit a bar to get the real experience of this great country. He then places his order for a drink at the counter when a drunken Irish man named Ba...

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I am the Internet

There's a fortress in the middle of a wasteland. A guy turns up at the gate and the guards say, "Who goes there?"

Guy: I would like to come into your fortress.

Guards: Well, we can only take in people who are useful to us.

Guy: I think you are going to find me useful, for I am t...

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The bridge builder

This man is sitting at his local pub ranting about all the accomplishments he had throughout his life, 'I built the bridge into town. Do they call me a bridge builder? No! I built half the roads in this town. Do they call me a roadbulder? No! I built countless houses. Do they call me a carpenter? No...

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