Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

My Mexican father was ranting today that because our city has banned gatherings of more than 100 people due to the Coronavirus

We have to take two cars to go out to dinner as a family.

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

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A married couple is in a terrible accident and the woman’s face is severely burned.

The doctor tells the husband that they can’t graft any skin from her body because she is so skinny. So, the husband decides to donate some of his own skin for the operation.

However, the doctor finds that the only suitable place to take the skin is from his ass. The husband requests that no ...

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

I just did a public rant about how evil people who make up stories on the internet are.

When I was done, everyone clapped.

An engineering professor is ranting to his class one day

He says "I hate when engineering students call themselves 'engineers', you don't hear medical students calling themselves 'doctors', or art students calling themselves 'unemployed'

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

So Donald Trump was talking to one of his aides, and off on one of his usual rants

“We need less immigrants! Less Mexicans! Less Colombians! Less Guatemalans! Less Puerto Ricans!”

Finally the aide couldn’t take it anymore, leaned in and said quietly: “fewer.”

“I told you not to call me that yet!!”

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

No one here needs to read a rant. It's just been difficult these past few hours. I don't know how to proceed.

Alexa. Play Rick Roll.

What do you call it when a person sees a Christmas-themed commercial and then goes on a rant about the over-commercialization of the holiday?

An Ad Vent!

My son's Star Wars joke.

What do you give to a stinky Jedi?

De-Yoda-rant

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”

People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,

find the origi...

What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?

"Donald" and "Trump".

Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"

"Your mom," I replied.

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

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At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

What do you call a knight that complains about his job?

Sir Rants-a-lot

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He w...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

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Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.

They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they ...

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

An Asian lady walks into a bank

She is trying to exchange yen for sterling.

She rants at the cashier " yesterday I get 200 pounds for 1 yen, today I only get 180, why is this? ".

The cashier replies " fluctuations ",

the lady replies " fluck you white people too".

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

The Detroit Lions are having there worst football season ever

They haven't been able to catch the ball or even score a single touchdown because they have an atrocious quarterback. One night, the Lions manager is watching the news when he sees footage of the Bosnian Civil war. While he is watching, he sees a rebel fighter run up to a government building and tos...

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Friedrich Nietzsche opened a club.

Overnight, it became the hottest new place in town. It seemed like everyone was turned away at the door for not meeting dress code. Eventually, one guy shows up and fights the bouncer after being rejected. When he won, the bouncer stripped naked, handed the guy his clothes, and told him he could hea...

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My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:

"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."

The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into t...

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My grandfather was a Grammar Nazi

I'm getting really tired of listening to his antisemantic rants.

Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailga...

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One day in math...

...we got two new transfer students. They were twins named Ving and Ling who had moved in from Korea. I sat next to Ving during class and I got to know him pretty well. We liked the same books, movies, games, you name it! At the end of the quarter, we had a huge unit exam, it was about 30% of our gr...

What do two atoms argue in the hadron collider?

Higg no rants

An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job.

The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin.
Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test.
Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct.

After some waiting the boss comes throu...

The first rule of the thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, babble, describe, divulge, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse or gossip about the thesaurus club.

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I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of random stuff...

It was a vague rant.

I can't complain

My politically passionate friend was going on a rant about Trump's election. He was absolutely livid, and asked me what I thought.

"I can't complain," I said, nonchalantly.

Incredulous, my friend shouted, "How can you possibly be so cool about this? We just elected a misogynist to the ...

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A man buys a very talkative parrot....

At the pet store the parrot was sweet. He said "I love you!" and "pretty bird." So he bought the delightful little Polly.

As soon as he got Polly home, everything changed. "HEY COCKSUCKER!" the parrot squawked. "FUCK YOU FUCKER!"

But it didn't end with a few insults. The bird ra...

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So my girlfriend turns to me...

she says "do you think I'm pretty?" I think about it and say "You're definitely a 6". For some reason she gets offended and starts ranting about how I'm an asshole and that she's been battling with low self esteem. I tried to explain that 6 is perfect, but she was never one to appreciate number theo...

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The sex shop!

A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.

The owner...

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We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it wi...

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The Special

Two buddies are out at a bar swapping stories and getting wasted.

Just as last call is signaled, one of them remarks to the other, "You know, Jon, its been a long time since I really gave it to a woman. I mean, just really let her have it, you know?" He pounded his fist into his palm lightly...

Jesus and Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."...

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:

"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the can...

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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense...

You could say it was a vague rant.

Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 go to a Chinese restaurant for dinner...

.... Luke scans the menu and sees his favorite egg fried rice so he say to R2-D2 “Oh I’m definitely ordering that!” Sure enough when the waiter comes along he orders the egg fried rice and a few other side dishes.

Now Luke is absolutely starving, so as soon as his meal arrives he picks up the...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

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A lawyer walks into a bar...

Mr. Jones, the lawyer, walked into a bar. The bartender poured him a drink, then noticed Mr. Jones had a black eye. “What happened to you?” asked the bartender. “You look like you’ve been in a fight.”

“It’s been just an awful day at work, I tell you what.” said Mr. Jones. “I don’t even work i...

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During WWII, An Old Man Worked At a Concentration Camp in Poland...

Due to the Nazi's bombing the factory he used to work in. His job was to move straw back and forth, he would take new straw bales shipped in every morning, put the hay in wheelbarrows where prisoners would then bring the wheelbarrows to where it was needed.

Every night, he had to bring the o...

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God and St. Peter have a meeting in Heaven

They're discussing and God decides that it's getting to crowded so he decides to implement a new rule. From now on in order to get in the newly deceased has to describe their last day to St Peter and if he decides it was a bad day they are admitted.

So St Peter goes back to his post at the Pe...

Strong Man Contest

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone when it comes to pure strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers at the job site. After several minutes of ranting, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your...

A guy walks into a petshop

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give
it a go, so he bought one and took it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
But there w...

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A rabbit walks into a bar

So a rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"Got any carrots?"
The bartender says "No sorry, we don't have any carrots."

The next day the rabbit goes back to the bar and again asks, "Got any carrots?"
The bartender is a little annoyed now and snaps back "No! I told you yeste...

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A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

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I am the Internet

There's a fortress in the middle of a wasteland. A guy turns up at the gate and the guards say, "Who goes there?"

Guy: I would like to come into your fortress.

Guards: Well, we can only take in people who are useful to us.

Guy: I think you are going to find me useful, for I am t...

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Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.

He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but on...

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The Irish man at the bar

One day an American takes a trip to a small town in Ireland to get away from the big city. As his first order of business he decides that he just has to visit a bar to get the real experience of this great country. He then places his order for a drink at the counter when a drunken Irish man named Ba...

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A man gets home from work...

...and sits on a chair in front of the TV. He calls to his wife "honey, get me a beer before it starts!".

The wife, who has also just gotten home from work, hands him a beer, then starts preparing dinner.

A few minutes go by, when he calls her again "get me another beer before it star...

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The bridge builder

This man is sitting at his local pub ranting about all the accomplishments he had throughout his life, 'I built the bridge into town. Do they call me a bridge builder? No! I built half the roads in this town. Do they call me a roadbulder? No! I built countless houses. Do they call me a carpenter? No...

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