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Quitting Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tak...

Quitting drugs for good is easy

I do it all the time!

I'm quitting drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

100% effective method on quitting smoking

1. Start quitting
2. Quit starting

QUITTING COFFEE

I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along th...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Did you hear about the guy who immediately found a job after quitting from the helium factory?

Their references spoke very highly of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quitting isn't easy.

Watson being a doctor and knowing all well how deadly tobacco is, tried to convince Sherlock to quit smocking, but all attempts to persuade the detective were useless. He stubbornly kept puffing the pipe. Watson was ready to give up, when one day he had an idea. Sticking the stem up the butt would c...

I tried quitting heroin.

But all my efforts were in vein.

I say it every year but I'm quitting Thanksgiving

...cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

Quitting drinking's been a lot easier ever since I became friends with the Antichrist

Hard to get buzzed someone turns all your wine into water...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought about quitting masturbating for good.

But, ultimately, I decided to just get a grip. Despite all the ups and downs, I'm just not prepared for anything to get out of hand.

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

I am quitting alcohol for a month.

Sorry, that came out wrong
I am quitting. Alcohol for a month.

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