Conspiracy theorists are like, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...”

It’s a government surveillance drone.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck...

It's probably just my dad getting out that tricky fart.

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

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Trying to outcheat the quack

### A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.


Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up


Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf a...

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

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Why did the duck need toilet paper?

For his butt quack

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter during thanksgiving week?

Quack quack.

Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anyt...

My husband's most recent musing:

Is an ignorant duck a "Je ne sais quack?"

A duck does a crime

A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from

The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: “hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these...

why did the ducks get arrested?

they sold quack

Four ducks walk into a court room

The judge says, “What is your name and what are you here for?” to the first duck. He says, “My name is Quack and I am here for illegally blowing bubbles.” The judge says the same to the next duck. The next duck says, “My name is Quack Quack and I am here for illegally blowing bubbles.” The judge get...

Why did the duck cross the road

To score some quack

What's a Duck's favourite drug of choice?

Quack Cocaine

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

I learned the hard way why you don't stay too late at the duck bar.

You'll end up getting bread from a quack addict.

A duck walks into a clothing store in 2020 ...

....and waits two minutes for an associate to help her. No one does and the duck gets progressively more upset. And quacks up a storm.

Another shopper passes by, sees the uncovered bill and mumbles “Karen is mighty fowl.”

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3 men get sent to heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.

St. Peter tells them they can have all the golfing and fun they want but when golfing to NEVER hit a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then all the ducks start quacking and e...

What goes “quack, quack, quack?”

A junkie with a speech impediment

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

My 7 year old told me this one (sfw)

Why does the duck have feathers?
To cover it's quack hole!

After a long day of duck hunting I was famished... so I decided to sit down, put my feet up, and have my favorite snack...

Cheese and quackers.

The duck was singing on the street for money

He got fined for selling quack.

He got an extra fine for using fowl language.

He said put the charges on my bill.

What kind of drugs do ducks take ?

Quack

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The other Donald [NSFW]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No".

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

...

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

3 ducks are in a courtroom

The judge calls up the first duck and says “state your name and what you did” and the first duck says “my name is Quack and I blew bubbles in the pond” the judge says “Okay Quack 6 months in jail” judge calls up the second duck and says the same thing. Second duck says “my name is Quack Quack and I ...

Drugs

Q. Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck?

A. Now he's hooked on the quack.

Why was the duck arrested?

Selling quack.

Why was the teacher arrested?
For doing math.

Why was the poet arrested?
For using heroines.

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.

Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

Did you hear about the duck that was a doctor?

He's a quack.

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 ...

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

What has four legs and quacks?

A paradox

What would be the American version of "Duck Quacks Don't Echo"?

"Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams".

My parents were murdered

And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

I heard it was medically impossible for a quack doctor to make me straight

But my chiropractor managed to realign my spine.

He was kinda cute too.

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

How did the duck ruin his life?

Quack-cocaine.

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Why wont ducks squat?

They don’t want people to see their butt-quack

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

A man walks into a bar

and he walks up to the bartender. While he’s ordering his drink, he notices on the counter a tiny man playing a tiny piano right next to a genie lamp.

The bartender says “Ah. I see you’ve noticed I have a genie... but the genie has a hearing problem.”

The man asks the bartender “Would ...

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Because they would quack up!

How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

Some advice: never take medicine offered by ducks.

They’re quack doctors.

What happens when you put ducks in a cement mixer?

You get quacks in the pavement...

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

Duck Hunting

I grew up in the middle of nowhere, and my family was really into hunting. I loved duck hunting as a kid. I recently tried it again as an adult and I gotta, it's not all it's quacked up to be.

Where do sick ducks go?

To a quack doctor.

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand

Quack

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

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What's the worst part of a Duck not wearing pants?

You can see their butt quack

A man walks into a bar

and orders a drink. While he’s waiting, he can’t help but notice the disgruntled looking fellow sitting next to him. In front of him on the bar, is a tiny man in a tuxedo playing a concerto on a tiny piano. Obviously curious, the man asks:

Hey buddy, what’s with the tiny musician?

“H...

Why are french ducks so attractive?

They have a certain "je ne sais quack'".

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

What do you get when you put a duck in a cement mixer ?

Quacks in the pavement !



(Sokay Imma know which door to go though)

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

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A duck walks into my chemistry class

So, a duck walked into my chemistry class. The teacher jumped up and started shooing it out, but one kid gets between them and says "No, don't! Haven't you heard of this duck? He's a genius!" The teacher knows the kid is lying, but doesn't see the harm in humoring him, so she asks the kid to prove h...

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his bartender "Wow! That's amazing! Where did he come from?!"

The bartender hands the man a lamp and tells him that if he rubs it, the genie within will grant him a wish.

The man rubs the lamp and out pours a plume of smoke forming into a genie, right in front of him.
...

Finally tried eating duck eggs....

Not all they're quacked up to be.

Did you hear about the duck that had to go to rehab?

Apparently it had a pretty serious quack addiction

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.

He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what ...

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A lady walks into a bar...

A lady walks into a bar. A man is sitting at the bar and reaches into his bag to pay his tab and the woman notices it’s clearly overflowing with cash.

Intrigued, she asks the man where he had come across such a large sum. He holds up one finger, reaches once again into his bag, digs through ...

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Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

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