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Quack Jokes

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

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Quack

A farmer is dying on his bed and debates on how he will split up the estate between his three sons. So he makes a contest and explains it to them that each with get a duck and who ever can get the most for the duck will inherit everything.

So the first son ventured out with his duck and spen...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

Why did the child get in trouble for quacking like a duck?

Because he was using fowl language.

Duck #1: "Quack."

Duck #2: "Quack."

Duck #3: "Quack, Quack."

Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.

Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"

Duck #1: "He knew too much."

What goes “quack, quack, quack?”

A junkie with a speech impediment

Quack Quack Quack

Three ducks are in court.
The first duck goes up to the judge.
The judge asks, "What's your name"?
The first duck replies, "Quack"
The judge asks, " What did you do, Quack"?
Quack says, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond".
The judge sentences Quack to 3 months in jail.
Th...

What‘s a ducks drug of choice?

Quack

How do you legalize quack?

You start by passing a bill!

Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anyt...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

-and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So...

Scientific Quacks say that water has memory...

If that is true than the water that was in my toilet must have severe PTSD.

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

Three men approached the gates of heaven...

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck."

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.

"Over the years, many m...

Conspiracy theorists are like, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...”

It’s a government surveillance drone.

The drug problem in parks is getting ridiculous.

The ducks are on quack!

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

“Quack! Quack!”

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What kind of quack does a duck have?

A butt quack.

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck...

It's probably just my dad getting out that tricky fart.

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?

He had a quack addiction.

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

Bubbles

There were a few ducks in the park blowing bubbles, and a police officer gave them a ticket. They went to court and the first duck went in to see the judge.

The judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck said, "My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in a park." <...

What is sticky and quacks?

Duck tape!

What has four legs and quacks?

A paradox

Why did the duck get arrested?

He got caught selling quack.

A duck waddles into the bar.

The duck asks, "You guys sell quack here?"

The bartender says, "Qwat?"

Three friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three fr...

How do ducks get high?

Quack Cocaine

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

Farmers Alzheimer’s

Old Macdonald had Alzheimer’s e I e I o
With a quack quack here and a quack quack there here a quack there a quack every ware a quack quack , e I e I o With a quack quack here and a quack quack there here a quack there a quack every ware a quack quack , e I e I o With a quack quack here and a qua...

Two Scottish ducks were flying south..

The first duck says:
- Quack.

The second duck says:
- Am flyin as quack as I can!

What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion?

Quack-aphony

Why do you duck when the ceiling is low?

So you don’t quack your head

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I got a talking Dr. Oz doll!

You press the button and it goes *Quack Quack Quack.*

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

What would be the American version of "Duck Quacks Don't Echo"?

"Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams".

Why couldn't the duck make a cake?

He couldn't quack his eggs ... hehe

I heard it was medically impossible for a quack doctor to make me straight

But my chiropractor managed to realign my spine.

He was kinda cute too.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

So there's this duck, trying to sell drugs to this horse

The duck hold out his wing and says: "Quack?" The horse shakes his head and says: "Neigh!"

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Where do ducks hide their cash?

In their butt-quack

A man and two women die and go to heaven

They reach the pearly gates, where St. Peter greets them and has them sign some legal papers. They are confused, but sign anyway, eager to get to paradise.

As they finish, St. Peter points to the last paragraph of the papers, saying, "Pay special attention to that provision. Do NOT step on a ...

3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 ...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

My buddy recently said he has "big duck energy"

I told him he needed to lay off the quack...

What did the duck say to the phony doctor ?

"Quack!"

Why was the duck in rehab?

Because he was a recovering **quack** addict

What happened when the duckling fell in the tea cup

He quacked it…

Two ducks were sitting in a pond

one of the ducks said: “Quack.” The other duck said: “I was going to say that!”

How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

why shouldn't you listen to strung out ducks on the street corner?

Because they're quack heads.

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

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Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

How did the duck rob the bank?

It quacked the code to the vault.

What do you get when you put crocodile eggs in a duck nest?

I don't know, but when they start quacking people run!

Why do ducks make for awful roommates?

They are always high on quack.

Duck Joke

Q: Why did the duck go to jail?







A: He was selling quack.

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

What kind of drugs do ducks take ?

Quack

Why did the duck cross the road

To score some quack

Don't know what it is about French ducks...

...but they have a certain je ne sais quack about them.

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck, shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks thro...

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