UPJOKE
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A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

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A zoophile, a masochist and an arsonist get together

They're all bored out of their minds in their little apartment when a cat appears on the window.

The zoophile looks at it lustfully and says "I'm gonna hit that cat senseless and fuck it"

The arsonist gets excited and shouts "hell yeah!! And when you're done I can stick a firework up i...

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Dyslexic hype man:

Let’s do shit this!

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hyped up about the Super Bowl.

“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”

Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...

They're making headlines everywhere

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I don't really understand all the hype behind masturbation...

...but you do you, I guess.

King Hype Oten ruled all the land.

He was the magnificent king of the Triangular Kingdom, but he was also the executor for those on trial. He hung his victims, a sign to everyone else. But the way he tied the noose was strange. It would kill people in seconds, and for some, it decapitated them. After he died, the noose was never used...

I don't get this new hype around synthetic meats.

I mean, why are we re-inventing the veal?

I don’t get all the hype about lamp memes

It’s just going to burn itself out

I don't understand all of this Chris Brown hype.

After all his music isn't even that good, his only decent hit was Rihanna.

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Long story

So there’s this guy “Big johnny” we would call him, who lives in a small town has a reputation for having a big dick. One woman slept with him and told everyone she knew that it was big. After that got out he was getting swarmed with woman in town trying to go for a ride.

Big Johnny said to m...

I hope college lives up to the hype

All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun

What drives the hype train?

The hyper drive.

What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare?

They're practically non existent.

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This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

Little Johnny was hyped for the zoo.

His parents had told him they would go to the Bronx zoo this weekend. When the weekend came they told him they'd be going to a different zoo upstate. A petting zoo. Little Johnny saw goats and pigs and ducks. Little Johnny was cross. His parents were upset. They asked the zoo employees If they had a...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

I know this is r/jokes, but I have to share this with someone.

I'm about to go and see the bank manager and my life will change forever. I'll finally have the money to take my kids abroad, buy my wife that car she's always wanted and have plenty left over to enjoy Christmas.

I'm talking *millions* here, guys. I can't contain my excitement, in fact, I'm s...

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Missionary

I heard this joke in my native language, so I hope it makes sense in English.

There's this married couple, and the wife is tired of having sex only in the missionary style, so she tells her husband, "Go hang out with your friends, talk to them, listen to their ideas about different sex styles...

An Amazon executive walks into a Whole Foods

It's his first time there, and he wants to see what all the hype is about.

The executive goes shopping for his normal every day needs, and even picks out a couple extra things that stood out to him for an impulse buy.

The executive goes to the counter to check out, and the clerk rings ...

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A man decides to buy his family a pet

So he goes downtown to a new pet store that's advertising exotic animals. Walking around the store the man sees a frog on sale for $1,500 and asks the cashier "why is this frog so expensive?"

The cashier chuckles a little and says "well that sir isn't just any frog, it's a South American blow...

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

The Darknet is not depraved and nefarious as most people make it out to be...

It's all just hype... now excuse me while I go play daddy with my latest purchase

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

Rabbi in a restaurant...

There once was a rabbi who had been a rabbi for many years and, all his life, he'd tried to be a good Jew. He obeyed the ten commandments, he read the Torah frequently and he kept kosher– but, secretly, he'd always wanted to try pork.


Everybody made so much fuss about pork and bacon and h...

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