Wooden Jokes - 94 Hilarious Wooden Jokes

I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle.
But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle.
Now I can w...

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.

I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*

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Did you hear about the wooden car? It had a wooden engine, wooden wheels, a wooden chassis and a wooden gearbox...

And the fuckin' thing wooden even go.

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?

His hand caught fire

A man walks by a farm, where he sees a pig with a wooden leg

He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over.

"Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?"...

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope.

What did the wooden ship say?

“All a board.”

The pig with wooden legs

A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind. A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain ...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

There was a wooden shoe in my toilet.

It was clogged. I think it was sabot-age.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.

I hate when the doctor pushes down on your tongue with that wooden stick

It's depressing

Once there was a young man with a wooden eye.

Now, he's very self conscious of his eye. Every year, the annual village dance comes around, and every year, he stands off to the side, feeling sorry for himself.

This year was no different. As he's standing there, all melancholy, he spots a young lady with a wooden leg. She too is standing ...

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What is it called when you poop a thin wooden rod?

A dowel movement.

Pig with one wooden leg

A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wood...

Pig with a wooden leg

A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig....

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.

Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

I was dating this girl who had a wooden leg

But it just wasn’t going well. So I broke it off.

"What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?" asked the curious boy.

His mother took a deep breath and then replied, "It wooden go."

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

What do you call a female Pirate with wooden legs?

Peggy

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

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The Girl with the Wooden Eye

Another of my old man's jokes...

A girl and her friend are sitting in a busy night club where lots of people are dancing. The friend says, 'Honey, you should find someone to dance with.' The girl says, " I don't know, I'm so self conscious about my wooden eye. Guys always stare at it and make...

ANOTHER WOODEN BALL..!!!!!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?...

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A man with a wooden eye watches people at the dance...

After always being the butt of jokes or bullying, he was scared to ask any girl to dance with him. He always had a fancy for Betsy, who was born with a hairlip. He always figured since they shared a similar fate, she might sympathize with him. He finally mustered up enough courage and asked Betsy, "...

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Where did ya come from, Wooden Eye Joe

A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance

He's too poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks...

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Did you know that the other wooden marionettes teased Pinocchio for being so heavy?

I guess he wasn't one of of the poplar kids.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

A man with a wooden eye...

A man with a wooden eye is very self-conscious about his looks but also very lonely.

At the advice of his doctor, he decides to go to a local meetup with people who have similar disabilities.

After a while of listening to the music and looking around at the ladies he builds up the cour...

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas........

It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler.

Met a pirate with a wooden leg called Jack.

Don't know what he named his other leg.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..

During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move. He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?" Filled with exc...

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Once upon a time there was a boy with a wooden eye...

At his high school dance he was standing with his friends, too nervous to ask any girls to dance. "I'm afraid they'll make fun of my wooden eye..." he said.

His friend pointed to a girl with a wooden leg standing by herself in the corner, and said, "Hey, see that girl with the wooden leg? ...

My wooden snake isn't limber...

It's lumber.

Did you hear about the thief who got annoyed by wooden barriers?

He took a fence.

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a man was admitted to the hospital with a wooden horse shoved up his ass

the doctors described his condition as stable.

The Wooden-Legged Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

A man with a wooden eye

Had not had a date in years, since before he lost his eye. One day he meets a woman who had a terrible hair lip. After they had talked for a while he decides to ask her out. She was so excited that he had asked her out she exclaimed
Would I, would I! Before she could finish her answer he shot ba...

Wooden leg.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

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(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

There was a guy who had a wooden eye.

He was depressed because he couldn't find a woman that could get past the eye. One day he decides to go to the bar and after getting shot down a few times he walks over to the bar to get drunk.

While sitting at the bar he sees a lady who looks upset. She had been shot down by a few men becau...

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

Wooden leg woes.

A man lost a leg in the war, and of course, walked with a limp . But he was afraid that it would limit his possibilities for finding a wife, and also, for finding work, if people knew he had a wooden leg, so he never made a full disclosure about his injury, and he just explained his limp by saying i...

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

Pig with a wooden leg

A man was driving past a farm and noticed a pig in the fenced area that had a wooden leg. He stopped to talk to the farmer and asked "Why does that pig have a wooden leg?". The farmer replied "Let me tell you about that pig. We had a smoky fire in the kitchen last month during the middle of the nig...

In Wisconsin, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

You can't take pictures with a wooden leg, in Wisconsin or anywhere else!

You need a camera to take pictures!

Washington liked his wooden teeth enough.

Unfortunately, they were all bark and no bite.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

[Unashamed Dad Joke] What do you call an android that was designed specifically to move a small wooden boat around?

A row-bot.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

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A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

Pig with a wooden leg...

Little Johnny lived in DC when he was young, and his dad used to take him on weekend trips south into the Carolinas, so that he could see what ``real life'' was like. He'd just drive along the road for a while, then pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there.

His dad was cha...

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

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So many girls love my wooden dildo...

...I have to beat them off with a stick.

The Man With the Wooden Eye

So, there was this guy with a wooden eye who was having some self esteem issues. In an effort to get out of the rut he was in, he decided to shake things up and go to a local dance in hopes of getting his confidence back. There he saw a woman with very pronounced buck teeth, and figuring she would...

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

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A guy walks into an antique store with a small wooden box

"My Granddaddy found this in the flotsam of a Nazi sub they sank off the coast of Hatteras." He opened up the box to reveal a finely made typwriter-like machine with 4 wheels set in it. "What do you reckon it is?" He asked the store owner.

"Why sir, that is an enigma."

"Damn! No o...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

Did you hear about the man who had two wooden legs?

His house caught fire. A neighbour called 911 and firemen responded. They saved the house but the man burned to the ground.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...

... are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

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A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

The elephantine Russian emperor held an open air market for strange wooden dowels.

It was Tsar Babar's bizarre bar bazaar.

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What if trees had breasts?

It wood be nice, wooden tit.

My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

What do you call an old man who's into wooden boys?

A Gepetto-file.

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it

A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road

I ask the man “Why does your pig have four wooden legs?”

The farmer replied “There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!”

I asked again “So why does he have wooden legs?”

The farmer replied again “My tractor had severe engi...

A guy with a wooden eye goes to a dance.

He searches the room for a lady ugly enough to dance with someone like himself. He spots one with jutting buck-teeth. He asks, "Will you dance with me?" She replies excitedly, "Would I!?" He angrily yells back at her, "BUCK TEETH!"

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You know those small sex-houses? The wooden ones, with a hole for your penis?

Apparently they are meant for birds

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

A man notices a pig with a wooden leg

He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."

"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.

"and another time I fell aslee...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

How does a bilingual hotel tell a tall, wooden, leafy plant to vamoose?

Tree, va, go!

A man with a wooden eye decided to try his luck at a bar.

Being insecure about his condition, he decided to have a couple drinks. After a while he sees a pretty girl with a wooden leg. With liquid courage, he walks up to her and asks if she would like do dance.
"Oh, wouldn't I! ! She exclaims.
The man immediately got red in the face, and yelled, "w...

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

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The little riding hood

The little riding hood goes to bring food to her grandmother.

On her way, she Saw the Big Wolf behind a wooden tree and she told him : " hoooo, what Big eyes you have!"

The wolf runaway.

A little further, she Sees the wolf behind a rock and she tells him : "what big hands you h...

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