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Poo Jokes

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.

PS: please share the tp everyone.

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The No Poo Kangaroo

You know how you can buy booze cheap at the airport in foreign countries? Well this world traveler told me that some airports also sell exotic animals. He was in Australia recently and decided to buy the cutest kangaroo. He took it home and a few weeks later noticed that his furry friend hadn't p...

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I watch ghost videos whenever i take a poo

They scare the shit out of me

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

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I stepped in dog poo.

I can't see shit without my glasses.

Which kind of poo smells better than it tastes?

Shampoo

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I've heard the monkeys at the zoo are now throwing their poo at people walking past their exhibit.

Shit is really getting out of hand

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

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Every time I browse through r/jokes, I have a sense of Deja Poo.

A feeling that I’ve seen this shit before.

"Daddy, where does poo come from?"

The father, thought for a moment and said "you're old enough to learn about this"

So they sit down and talk. About five minutes later, the son, visibly traumatized asks "what about Eeyore and Piglet?"

What do Kirk and Picard call their poo?

Captains Log

What did the reddish poo say to the brown poo?

"I feel flushed."

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You know if you Poo on the toilet at 11:59 pm...

then at 12:01 am, its just the same shit , different day.....

A policeman was walking through the station. He didn’t notice he was walking along a line of poo.

He slipped in the poo and fell to the ground. He was ok, but the other officers were terribly distraught.
It’s always hard to see a fellow officer fall on a line of doodee.

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

Wanna trade jokes about poo?

I've got piles

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I've got a joke about poo with teeth marks on it.

It's a bit shit.

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What do you say about someone holding a poo emoji stress ball?

Somebody who knows how to handle their shit.

Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock

Who's there

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

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What's the opposite of a poo pussy?

A Peacock

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Why does Boromir never have to poo?

The dead do not suffer the living need to pass.

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I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself...

I really should get a dog…

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Everytime I take an angry poo

I lose my shit

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A young vaccum cleaner salesman on the first day of the job knocked the door of a house. The moment they opened, he poured a bottle of dried dog poo on their carpet.

"If I cannot remove all the poo from the floor within the next 10 minutes, I will lick them off myself " He said in a confident tone.

The owner gave him a packet of mints and said

"Here is for your mouth after you complete, my electricity got cut off only today today morning due to lat...

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !

Yesterday he brought a dog along

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I accidentally pooed my pants in an elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

I washed my hair with poo tonight.

I've been using shampoo for years, just think how good it will look with the real thing.

How does a cow go poo?

He has a bowel mooooovement.

(My daughters favorite animal is a cow so most of my jokes involve them or their sounds!)

I was on the train having a poo.

When the ticket inspector knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket please."

"There you go," I replied, passing it under the door.

"Thanks for the free ticket." replied the voice, running away.

You know that thing

When you're having a poo and run out of toilet roll, then end up doing that trousers round your ankles shuffle thing to get some more?

It happened to me earlier!

I'm almost at the shop now..

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My friend brags he shits 10kg of poo everyday.

Load of crap.

They say it's good luck for a seagull to poo on you.

It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you. Duh.

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Did you hear?! They’re putting the Poo emoji on a stamp!

Finally! Shitpost!

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TIL that wombats poo is shaped like a cube instead of spherical.

I almost shit a brick.

What's the difference between a monkey flinging poo at the zoo and someone posting political memes on Facebook?

Answer: One is the sad, desperate attempt of a poor creature with little freedom to get attention from strangers, and the other is just something animals at the zoo do when they're bored.

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?

Officer on doody.

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

Have you heard of Poo: The Movie?

Nah, it hasn't come out yet.

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a poo in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says..

"Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"

"No..no I don't." Says the rabbit.

So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his bum with it.

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What does Harry Potter say when he is trying to squeeze out a poo?

Expellianus.

My wife always asks me if I'm taking a poo when I go to the bathroom...

But I've never left with more than I went in with

This new daily fiber regimen has really helped with my regularity issues. Now, every day at 5am I take a big ol' stinky poo.

I just wish I could get out of bed before 6am.

I just read a book called, "Poo is Great".

The pro-log section was excellent.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

What does dog poo and women have in common ?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

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I was having a poo in the train toilet today, when some guy knocked on the door...

It was one of those guys that checks if the passenger has bought a ticket or got into the train illegally. He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I sa...

Two flies were sitting on a piece of poo.

One farted. The other said 'do you mind? I'm eating.'

I've been having my morning poo at 7:15am every single day for the past 10 or so years

Pity I always wake up at 7:30!

Someone smeared poo on my old gaming system.

Now it's a Nintendo BS.

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I put some of my girlfriend's make up on a dog poo.

It was a pretty shit idea.

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I had a dream that a piece of poo was screaming and yelling at me.

That shit was crazy.

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last night I did a poo and in it was a tied up length of rope

I shit you knot

Dad I have to poo!

"Dad I have to poo!"

No answer.

"Dad I have to poo!"

Still no answer.

"Dad I really have to poo!"

"OK son, I'm pulling out."

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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods.

The bear glances over at the rabbit and asks "Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "Nope, never been a problem. Just lucky that way, I guess."

"Guess so," the bear said, as he picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?

So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.

Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the poo is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.

Aren’t you glad they didn’t call it a Poo Retriever?

Knock knock...

\-Who's there?

\-Europe

\-Europe who?

\-No, you're a poo!

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would t...

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

I once told my friend

That I had made thousands of pounds in profit from selling the dog poo that my neighbour's dog had left on my lawn.

My friend said, "That's gross!"

I said, "No. That's Net."

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