A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common?

They both hope to make it home

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When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

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The difference between getting over constipation and getting over diarrhea...

...is the difference between getting caught up on your shit and getting your shit together.

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What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

Diarrhea is genetic...

It runs in your jeans

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

Person, “No.”

Well you should have it’s all over town.

10 facts about Diarrhea

#2 will surprise you!

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What did the gigolo with diarrhea say?

I can't tell if I'm cumming or going

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

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What's the difference between a oyster shucker with Parkinson's and a prostitute with diarrhea

One of them fits when they shuck

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

The other day I called in sick with diarrhea.

My boss told me to get it together.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

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Did you hear about the man who was masturbating while he had diarrhea

He couldn’t tell if he was coming or going

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Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

What do you call it when a racehorse has diarrhea?

The trots!

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

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I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

Sobriety self check

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?



The first shucks between fits....


If you can say that without screwing it up then you're not too drunk to drive.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

Diarrhea remedy sales are up

In fact there’s been quite a run on them.

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Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

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2020’s just like diarrhea

The shit just keeps coming.

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A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

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Nature's selection for our placement of hair is a weird thing.

Can't grow a beard for shit, but enough ass hair to turn diarrhea into filtered water

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

What do diarrhea and DNA have in common?

They both run in your jeans.

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What do you call a disabled person with diarrhea?

Handicrapped

What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

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If we call watery poop diarrhea,

Then why can't we just say normal poop as dryarrhea?


This joke is approved by my brother.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter™️

Teacher asked some students, what's the fastest thing in universe;

First student said, that the light is fastest, because light can reach 290000+ kilometers per second.

Second student argued that thinking is faster than light, because our brain can send thoughts within milliseconds.

Last student simply stated, that diarrhea is faster than speed of tho...

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A tourist is walking through an isolated village in India

As his walk progresses, his stomach starts to gurgle and his butt puckers like the mouth of an infant who was cruelly given a lemon.

He looks around for a place to privately relieve himself. He sees an outhouse and rushes inside. In the outhouse is just a short divider wall to lean over and...

What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?

They’re both red and black...I probably need to see a doctor...

Did you hear about the little boy that was late for school because he had diarrhea?

He was running a little behind.

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Massive diarrhea just came out of my butt!

Oh, wait. That sounded bad. It's not what you think.

'Massive Diarrhea' is the name of my gerbil.

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I have diarrhea, so I went to every store in town to buy toilet paper...

...but I was shit out of luck.

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mum he needs Viagra

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mum he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "why on earth do you need that?".

The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

I would hate to see a diarrhea outbreak.

Everyone's gonna take all the nasal spray from every store

A worried guy asks his doctor: can I take a bath with diarrhea? The doc pausing for a moment answers: well, if you have enough

I heard this in Spanish a long time ago. Some editing from my part tho

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

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What did the guy with diarrhea say to his wife?

I really need to get my shit together...

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I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

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Just saw a clever new product to treat diarrhea...

No-Shit Sure-Lock

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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