UPJOKE
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A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common?

They both hope to make it home

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When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

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The difference between getting over constipation and getting over diarrhea...

...is the difference between getting caught up on your shit and getting your shit together.

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

What’s the difference between an epileptic shell shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?

An epileptic shell shucker, shucks between fits.

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Last night I dreamt about having diarrhea, but when I woke up…

… that’s when shit got real

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

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What did the Ukrainian say when he got diarrhea?

Fuck you rushing shit!

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

### That means one person enjoys it

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What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

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Diarrhea

Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea

He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Viagra

Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Viagra

The boy says, "Well that's what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

Did you hear about the Giant with diarrhea??

It's all over town.

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

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What did the gigolo with diarrhea say?

I can't tell if I'm cumming or going

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What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

10 facts about Diarrhea

#2 will surprise you!

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

The other day I called in sick with diarrhea.

My boss told me to get it together.

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Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

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Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

Three friends, Bob, John and joe are sitting at a bar

Bob takes a sip of his beer, sets it down and asks his buddies

“What do y’all think the fastest thing in the world is?”

Joe thinks for a minute, sips his beer and says

“I think light is the fastest thing in the world. I heard that it’s the universal speed limit or somethin…”
...

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they ...

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

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I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter™️

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Did you hear about the man who was masturbating while he had diarrhea

He couldn’t tell if he was coming or going

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What do you call a disabled person with diarrhea?

Handicrapped

What do diarrhea and DNA have in common?

They both run in your jeans.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember why or where.

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

Did you hear about the little boy that was late for school because he had diarrhea?

He was running a little behind.

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

Diarrhea remedy sales are up

In fact there’s been quite a run on them.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

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A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

Diarrhea

Not a solid joke.

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My first YouTube video!

I'm starting a YouTube channel! My first video will be a poor edit of my weird opinions on Japanese mushrooms supposedly giving you diarrhea.

"Shit takes of shit takes on Shiitake shit aches"

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

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Massive diarrhea just came out of my butt!

Oh, wait. That sounded bad. It's not what you think.

'Massive Diarrhea' is the name of my gerbil.

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

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If we call watery poop diarrhea,

Then why can't we just say normal poop as dryarrhea?


This joke is approved by my brother.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

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I hate that I keep having diarrhea.

My digestive system needs to get its shit together.

What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?

They’re both red and black...I probably need to see a doctor...

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

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I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

Using “Running behind” as an excuse

… is much better than saying “Diarrhea”

I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.

It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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