A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea

That means one guy likes it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?



A salad shooter.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? - Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running, but can’t remember where.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

Why is diarrhea hereditary?

Because it runs in your jeans

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

What do diarrhea and DNA have in common?

They both run in your jeans.

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a disabled person with diarrhea?

Handicrapped

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

“My love for you is like diarrhea”.

“I cant hold it in”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who was masturbating while he had diarrhea

He couldn’t tell if he was coming or going

Diarrhea remedy sales are up

In fact there’s been quite a run on them.

What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Massive diarrhea just came out of my butt!

Oh, wait. That sounded bad. It's not what you think.

'Massive Diarrhea' is the name of my gerbil.

I would hate to see a diarrhea outbreak.

Everyone's gonna take all the nasal spray from every store

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that I keep having diarrhea.

My digestive system needs to get its shit together.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy had diarrhea so he asked his mom for some medicine (NSFW)

Groaning in pain, he met with his mother in the living room and said “mom, I have the runs - it’s so bad that I need Viagra!”

“Billy, why do you think you need Viagra? Let’s get you some medicine to help you feel better” said the mom.

“Well that’s what you give Dad every time his shit...

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?

They’re both red and black...I probably need to see a doctor...

Did you hear about the little boy that was late for school because he had diarrhea?

He was running a little behind.

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have diarrhea, so I went to every store in town to buy toilet paper...

...but I was shit out of luck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two fisherman were talking: -I can't have sex with my wife

Why?

-Because She has gonorrhea.

So what, fuck Her in the ass.

-I can't because She has diarrhea.

Then ask Her to for a blowjob

-No, because She has phyrrea.

Goddamn dude, so why the hell did You marry Her?

-Because She has worms and You know I like f...

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the guy with diarrhea say to his wife?

I really need to get my shit together...

My Pops Asked If I Had Ever Done Anything Brave

I said.....Hell Yeah, I farted once when I had diarrhea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clown with diarrhea?

A party pooper.

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

A worried guy asks his doctor: can I take a bath with diarrhea? The doc pausing for a moment answers: well, if you have enough

I heard this in Spanish a long time ago. Some editing from my part tho

Diarrhea sufferers should have a support group...

Somewhere they can just let it all out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This child was having diarrhea and asked his mom for some viagra

Mom asks "What? Why would you want to take Viagra?" Her son says "Because daddy says it makes his shit hard"

Doctor, can I take a bath with diarrhea?

- Well, if you have enough...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy has diarrhea and asks his mom for a Viagra...

His mom replies with, "What the hell for?"


The little boy says, "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?"

I've heard Bananas can help stop diarrhea..

But I just don't know whether to take off the peel before inserting it.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a clever new product to treat diarrhea...

No-Shit Sure-Lock

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

I mixed too much laxative into my alphabet soup...

...I got verbal diarrhea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid that you are suffering from explosive diarrhea

Man: Ah shit, here we go again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you tell someone who has diarrhea and anxious at the same time?

*Don’t lose your shit*

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids

Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

What's worse than having diarrhea?

Having to spell it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pee is #1 and Poop and Diarrhea are #2

Diarrhea is just not a solid #2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few guys were sitting around arguing about what the fastest thing in the world is

The first guy says, “I think it’s a thought because you just think and it’s right there”

The second guy says, “I think it’s blinking because you hardly notice it’s happening before it’s over”

The third man says, “I think it’s light. When you flip a light switch the lights immediately t...

A man goes to a his doctor...

Man: Will coke help with diarrhea?


Doctor: Yes, if you manage to get the bottle stuck tightly enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW : He just LOVES to fish!

A couple checks into a seedy motel and asks for the Honeymoon suite. Around 3:30am the groom all decked out completely in fishing gear comes walzing thru the lobby and headed for the door.

Overcome with curiosity the desk clerk stops him and asks, "Aren't you the fellow that just checked in a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is the best time to have diarrhea?

When playing scrabble, because it’s worth a SHIT ton of points.

My wife asked if my diarrhea was hereditary.

Since she can find it in my jeans.

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.