The 65+ Best Diarrhea Jokes

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

# A Salad Shooter.

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Why are people with diarrhea so angry?

I am not sure, they are just always losing their shit for some reason.

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What do you give an elephant when it has diarrhea?

A lot of space.

What's it called when Herschel Walker has diarrhea?

A Georgia runoff.

Have you heard about giant with diarrhea?

Its all over town

Why are Alzheimer's and Diarrhea the worst combination?

You're running but you can't remember where.

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What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

Diarrhea

Runs in your genes

What do you call a vegetable that gives you diarrhea?

Pro-deuce

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!"

The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his shit doesn't get hard?"

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

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The difference between getting over constipation and getting over diarrhea...

...is the difference between getting caught up on your shit and getting your shit together.

What does a person with diarrhea and an electric car owner have in common?

They both hope will make it home

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac with diarrhea?

She comes and goes.

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

When's the worst time to get diarrhea?

As your word in the spelling bee.

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

My wife had diarrhea while wearing fishnets.

She had runs in her stockings.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.

I said, 'I shit you not.'

Can you take a bath with diarrhea?

If you have enough, yes.

Top 5 worst things about diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you!

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

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What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

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What did the gigolo with diarrhea say?

I can't tell if I'm cumming or going

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

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What do you call a disabled person with diarrhea?

Handicrapped

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What did the Ukrainian say when he got diarrhea?

Fuck you rushing shit!

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Diarrhea

Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea

He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Viagra

Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Viagra

The boy says, "Well that's what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

The other day I called in sick with diarrhea.

My boss told me to get it together.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

What do diarrhea and DNA have in common?

They both run in your jeans.

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

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I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

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If we call watery poop diarrhea,

Then why can't we just say normal poop as dryarrhea?

This joke is approved by my brother.

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A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.

It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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