UPJOKE
dehydrationdysenterydiarrhoeabacteriaconstipationcholeradiseasevirusbreastfeedingtyphoidfecespneumoniasanitationsymptomintestine

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common?

They both hope to make it home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between getting over constipation and getting over diarrhea...

...is the difference between getting caught up on your shit and getting your shit together.

what's the difference between a epileptic clam and a hooker with diarrhea?

You gotta shuck the oyster between fits

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running but can’t remember where.

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

Diarrhea

Runs in your genes

Next week is diarrhea awareness week.

Runs until Friday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.

The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!"

The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his shit doesn't get hard?"

Top 5 worst things about diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you!

My wife had diarrhea while wearing fishnets.

She had runs in her stockings.

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

Can you take a bath with diarrhea?

If you have enough, yes.

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac with diarrhea?

She comes and goes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

If 9/10 people suffer from diarrhea,

Does that mean that 1/10 people enjoy it?

When's the worst time to get diarrhea?

As your word in the spelling bee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Ukrainian say when he got diarrhea?

Fuck you rushing shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did the Indonesian man suffering from explosive diarrhea say on August 27th 1883

"CRAPATOA"

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diarrhea

Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea

He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Viagra

Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Viagra

The boy says, "Well that's what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me that smoking weed gave him diarrhea.

I told him to shit or get off the pot.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the gigolo with diarrhea say?

I can't tell if I'm cumming or going

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I dreamt about having diarrhea, but when I woke up…

… that’s when shit got real

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter™️

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

The other day I called in sick with diarrhea.

My boss told me to get it together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who was masturbating while he had diarrhea

He couldn’t tell if he was coming or going

What do diarrhea and DNA have in common?

They both run in your jeans.

What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are fishing

What’s wrong with you? You haven’t talked all day.

It’s my wife, she won’t have sex with me because she has gonorrhea.

What about anal sex?

I can’t, she has diarrhea.

Can she give you head?

No, she has pyorrhea.

Well if she has all these problems so why...

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

Man comes out of the bathroom at work…

After a loud session of diarrhea, “sounds like you had a rough time in there.” a slightly embarrassed coworker commented. “No it was a blast” the man responded.

What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?

They’re both red and black...I probably need to see a doctor...

Did you hear about the little boy that was late for school because he had diarrhea?

He was running a little behind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “Viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for diarrhea ...

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If we call watery poop diarrhea,

Then why can't we just say normal poop as dryarrhea?


This joke is approved by my brother.

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.

It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.