A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?



A salad shooter.

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When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea

That means one guy likes it.

What do a man with diarrhea and a electric car owner have in common?

They both hope to make it home

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? - Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running, but can’t remember where.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

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What's the difference between a oyster shucker with Parkinson's and a prostitute with diarrhea

One of them fits when they shuck

10 facts about Diarrhea

#2 will surprise you!

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What did the gigolo with diarrhea say?

I can't tell if I'm cumming or going

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What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?

Expellianus

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

What do you call it when a racehorse has diarrhea?

The trots!

They say diarrhea is hereditary.

Because it runs in your jeans.

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

Did you hear the one about the elephant with diarrhea?

No? Funny, it’s all over town.

I once had a case of diarrhea.

Airport security wouldn't let it through.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

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If we call watery poop diarrhea,

Then why can't we just say normal poop as dryarrhea?


This joke is approved by my brother.

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Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

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I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

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Did you hear about the man who was masturbating while he had diarrhea

He couldn’t tell if he was coming or going

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Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

The other day I called in sick with diarrhea.

My boss told me to get it together.

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A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

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Kid asks for viagra

Little boy w/ diarrhea tells mom he needs Viagra. Mom: Why do you need that?" Boy: Isn't that what you give Dad when his shit wont get hard?

A good case for shoes

What's the difference between a linen store, and a nudist with diarrhea?
One has fitted sheets...

What do diarrhea and DNA have in common?

They both run in your jeans.

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What do you call a disabled person with diarrhea?

Handicrapped

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

Diarrhea remedy sales are up

In fact there’s been quite a run on them.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

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2020’s just like diarrhea

The shit just keeps coming.

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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I hate that I keep having diarrhea.

My digestive system needs to get its shit together.

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

What do Netflix and diarrhea have in common?

They’re both red and black...I probably need to see a doctor...

Did you hear about the little boy that was late for school because he had diarrhea?

He was running a little behind.

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Massive diarrhea just came out of my butt!

Oh, wait. That sounded bad. It's not what you think.

'Massive Diarrhea' is the name of my gerbil.

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I have diarrhea, so I went to every store in town to buy toilet paper...

...but I was shit out of luck.

I would hate to see a diarrhea outbreak.

Everyone's gonna take all the nasal spray from every store

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

Did you know a banana is really good against diarrhea?

I don’t really like how you can feel it move though.

Hey I seem to have picked up a stomach bug

So far just explosive diarrhea. I will keep y’all posted as situation can best be described as fluid.

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You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

A worried guy asks his doctor: can I take a bath with diarrhea? The doc pausing for a moment answers: well, if you have enough

I heard this in Spanish a long time ago. Some editing from my part tho

I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

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What did the guy with diarrhea say to his wife?

I really need to get my shit together...

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I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

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Just saw a clever new product to treat diarrhea...

No-Shit Sure-Lock

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

What's worse than having diarrhea?

Having to spell it.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly f...

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

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