A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant.....

the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," says the husband kiddingly, “she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't bee...

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

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Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

I told my teddy bear it was cute.

it plushed.

I bought my best friend a plush elephant to keep in his room.

Friend: "Thank's for the elephant!"

Me: "Don't mention it."

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

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Donald Trump has a problem.

Donald Trump has a problem.

He's had a long life of being a rich playboy, womanizer, having lots of sex. Recently, however, no matter what he does, he can't have an orgasm. He's tried sexy outfits for Melania, Viagra, porn, porn *stars,* Japanese massage parlors, fleshlights, pills from the...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

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This man is kind of bored so he goes to this exotic brothel he heard about...

When he gets there, the hostess talks to him about what he likes for a few minutes, and then, sensing he is open-minded, says, "we have something special today... it's not for everyone, but I think you might like it."

"What is it?" he asks, intrigued.

"It's a chicken that gives blowjo...

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What do teddies bears use to make their boobs seem larger ?

A plush-up bra.

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A man is showing off his new car

A man is showing his new car to his friend. He shows him it's magnificent tyres, streamlined looks and tinted windows. They then get inside. The interior is really plush. The seats are comfortable. He turns on the engine, and you can barely hear it. He puts on some music and the sound system is fant...

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Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

House Hunting (1950's era, found in late grandmother's things; typewritten)

A young couple about to be married were looking over a house in the country. After satisfying themselves that it was suitable they started for home. During the return journey the young lady was seemingly absorbed in deep thought, and being asked the reason of her silence, she asked the question: ...

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