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Physicists Jokes

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

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Two physicists are chatting in a bar

Physicist #1: You know... the Andromeda galaxy will collide with our galaxy in 4.5 billion years.

Physicist #2: What?!?! 4.5 million years?!?!?!

Physicist #1: No. BILLION years.

Physicist #2: Uffff...... shit man!! What a relief!! You scared me.

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Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

They either have the position or the momentum, but never both.

How do physicists do heroin?

With a rail gun.

A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop.

Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arm...

Why do physicists never share their feelings?

Because their feelings have no matter.

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

How does a physicists propose a threesome?

He says he wants to perform the double-slit experiment

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

What do you call two physicists in a love affair?

Quantum entanglement

What's the difference between physicists and gods?

Gods don't think they're physicists.

What do you call a group of well-dressed theoretical physicists?

A bunch of Feynman

What is a nuclear physicists favorite food?

FissionChips

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What do physicists call their penis?

A hard-on collider.

Why can’t physicists get married?

Any romantic matter is relative.

I once overheard two physicists debating over the mass of subatomic particles..

They were mass-debating

Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."

The applied physicist say...

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Two physicists walk into a bar

One says to the barman "I'll have a H2O"

The other adds "I'll have a H2O, aswell"

The barman then punches the second man for calling him an ass-well.

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I have it on good authority that physicists are obsessed with tits.

I mean why else were they so desperate to find Higg's bosom?

Scientists wanted to research theoretical physicists, experimental physicists and mathematicians

A group of scientists wished to research the nature of theoretical physicists, experimental physicists and mathematicians.

They locked them all in individual cells and gave them a can of tuna to feed themselves.

Few days later, they went to check the results.

They looked at the...

This one goes out to the Physicists

Genie: Alright, you’ve got one wish.

Me: I wish I had a hat.

GenĂźe: weĂźrd, but ok.

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

How do physicists play Volleyball?

In vacuum with perfect spheres.

Physicists, Engineer and Statistician go hunting ...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

Theoretical physicists are some of the smartest people on earth...

..."in theory"

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Where do physicists attend church?

At the center of mass.

Why are physicists still considered "not" cool...

When Thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

How physicists see other sciences:

Biology: squishy physics
Geology: slow physics
Computer Science: virtual physics
Psychology: people physics
Chemistry: impure physics
Math: physics minus the units

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

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