Physicists Jokes

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t... read more

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T... read more

With a rail gun.

Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arm... read more

Because their feelings have no matter.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis... read more

He says he wants to perform the double-slit experiment

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

Quantum entanglement

Gods don't think they're physicists.

A bunch of Feynman

FissionChips

Any romantic matter is relative.

They were mass-debating

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."

The applied physicist say... read more

A group of scientists wished to research the nature of theoretical physicists, experimental physicists and mathematicians.

They locked them all in individual cells and gave them a can of tuna to feed themselves.

Few days later, they went to check the results.

They looked at the... read more

Genie: Alright, you’ve got one wish.

Me: I wish I had a hat.

Genîe: weîrd, but ok.

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when... read more

In vacuum with perfect spheres.

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that... read more

..."in theory"

When Thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

Biology: squishy physics
Geology: slow physics
Computer Science: virtual physics
Psychology: people physics
Chemistry: impure physics
Math: physics minus the units

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.