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Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

They either have the position or the momentum, but never both.

What do you call a group of well-dressed theoretical physicists?

A bunch of Feynman

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.

The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.

The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

What's the difference between physicists and gods?

Gods don't think they're physicists.

A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event.

It's becoming a really popular wave function.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do physicists call their penis?

A hard-on collider.

Why can’t physicists get married?

Any romantic matter is relative.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicists walk into a bar

One says to the barman "I'll have a H2O"

The other adds "I'll have a H2O, aswell"

The barman then punches the second man for calling him an ass-well.

What is a nuclear physicists favorite food?


Theoretical physicists are some of the smartest people on earth...

..."in theory"

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."

The applied physicist say...

This one goes out to the Physicists

Genie: Alright, you’ve got one wish.

Me: I wish I had a hat.

Genîe: weîrd, but ok.

Mathematicians, physicist, and engineers are all at a mixer with women.

...Well the title is the first joke but I’ll go on....

The men are all on one side and the women are all on the other side of the room.

The DJ suggests that after every song the men move halfway to the girls.

Immediately the mathematicians all leave, they know they will never ...

Physicists, Engineer and Statistician go hunting ...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

Physicists have figured out how to make time come to a standstill.

They just sent it the message, 'you are doing that too much. try again in 5 minutes.'

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Quantum physicists have the best sex.

They know all the super positions.

A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop.

Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arm...

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