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Friends intervened to get a guy married who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out ...

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

TIL: Orlando Bloom was only paid $175,000 (USD) for his role as Legolas in the LOTR trilogy.

One might say he was definitely not an Elf made millionaire.

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

Would Orlando Bloom?

No, but Elijah Wood.

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Tired of urban living

After years of the rat race, I found that I finally had enough saved to get away, as long as I did it thoughtfully. I wanted to be away from people, from cars, buildings, you name it. I didn't care if I didn't talk to anyone any more. With e-commerce so prevalent now, anything I needed could be deli...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

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Bloom should not have punched Beiber ...

After all, you punch a man, you slap a bitch.

Bloom County

I used to read Bloom County (a comic strip).

Remember when they put Donald Trump's brain in Bill the Cat?

Who's laughing now.

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

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A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

Two elderly couples are enjoying a visit

The men are in the living room, and the women are in the kitchen chatting over coffee.

One of the men says, "My wife and I had dinner at a new restaurant last night. It was excellent!"

"Oh!" says his friend. "What restaurant was it?"

The man thinks hard for a moment, then shak...

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Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

I finally got a bunch of naked ladies in my home!

It turns out the autumn crocus blooms early in my region.

Two bees met in a field

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, blooming so I can’t make any honey!”



“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a B...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

Leviticus

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."

The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregat...

Skinny Dippers

A farmer in Maine was just finishing up a tough day in the Summer Sun. He decided that after such a tough day the perfect thing he needed was a walk around his pond. The blueberries were in full bloom so he decided that it was worthwhile to pick some up for breakfast the next day, so he grabbed a bu...

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Two Native Americans stand in front of a tipi

...gazing into the sun, a son with a father. The son, quietly and carefully, asks "father, just how did you come up with my name?"

"Well, my son, I look at the nature, what happens around me. See the sun on the glooming horizon? She is the reason your sister is called Setting-Sun."

"Ye...

A young man asks the Chief how he picks the newborns names.

A young man approached the chief of his village with a question. He said "Wise cheif, you are in charge of naming every child in this village. How do you go about choosing the names for your people?" The Cheif heard the question and without saying a word walked over to a small window in the tent and...

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A King's Offer

In a far away land, an old king had fallen ill and was resigned to the inevitability of death. However, by failing to bear a son, the king feared for the future of his kingdom. A daughter, was all that would remain of his line.

So, to resolve this issue, the king came up with an offer. One d...

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Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

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A young boy wanted to become a farmer.

A young boy wanted to become a farmer. An established farm owner took the boy under his wing to teach him all that he knew. Once the boy finished his initial training, the owner gave the boy a very special seed.

“You must work hard, boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure ...

Nihilistic Kindergartners

David Bloom gained notoriety for his book “Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet.” Noted for its brute realism, the book’s message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called “Kierkegaard...

Hugh The Legendary Hero.

One day up in the mountains a group of monks began planting flowers. They toiled away but nothing ever grew. Frustration got the most of them and one monk was killed over the flowers, and to everyone's surprise the flowers bloomed.

Now knowing what they needed was blood the monks began killi...

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