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Pats Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.

He's inspecting the children who are all standing in uniforms in a straight line. He pulls one boy out of line.

"What is your name, boy?" asks Stalin.

"My name is Vovochka Karpov" answers the boy.

"So, tell me, Vovochka, who is your mother?"

"My mother is the Great Soviet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

a man walks into a bar....

a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.

the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"

the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".

the barman says "ok, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.



Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First BJ

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he’d like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says

“Four shots for yourself? What’s the special occasion?”

To which the...

A man is at his best friend's funeral

He steps up to the microphone. All fall silent. He says only "Plethora" and sits back down.

The widow pats his shoulder and says, "Thanks. That means a lot".

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Husband and Wife

Were watching a TV show on mixed emotions one night. The husband says "This is a load of bullshit. I bet there isn't anything you can say that could make me happy and sad at the same time." His wife turns to him, pats him on the knee and says "Honey, out of all of your friends, you have the biggest ...

Poor ringo

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner. all of them are happily sitting there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

  “Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his finge...

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A man and a woman get married in Arkansas

They have a big wedding with both their family's in attendance. They say their vows and ride off in a car on their way to their honeymoon. They get on a plane and fly to Cancun, booking a hotel for their stay. They prepare to spend the night consummating their love for one another, but then the woma...

A man asks his neighbour if it’s ok to pet his dog

“Yea he’s a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can!” Says the neighbour

The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

“I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn’t bite!” Exclaims the man

The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
“Yes...

A man comes out of a church and shouts "I'll walk again"

Hearing that other parishioners start murmuring and minister walks up to him, pats him on the shoulder and says "You see? If you have faith miracles can happen!" Man turns red: "It was no miracle. Somebody stole my car!"

A man is crying nervously at the doctor's.

The doctor asks "what's wrong?"
The man replies "I'm really scared doctor, this is my first surgery."
The doctor pats him on the shoulder and say "dont worry, son. This is my first surgery too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

A necrophilic man is trapped in a room with zombies.

The genie pats himself on the back.

Does your dog bite

A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the ...

A man gets a new job as manager of an office and decides to go to each employees house for dinner to get to know them.

First he goes to his assistant Joe’s house. He sits down for dinner and notices that the plates don’t quite look clean. He says “Joe are you sure these plates have been washed?”
Joe answers somewhat offended “they are as clean as soap and water can get them”
So the man decides to let it go and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl gets pregnant

So when the father finds out he loses it and tells his daughter to call the father and tell him to come here immediately. After an hour an expensive sports car pulls infront of the house and a well dressed man gets out of the car. As soon as he gets in, he starts talking:

"Okay i know about t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

The Patriots

The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

A man walks into a bar. He says, “Ouch!”

“What the hell, man?” the man shouts. “This is the third time this week I’ve walked into this damn bar!”

A woman passing by takes pity and pats him on the shoulder. “Of course you did, dear - this is Reddit.”

“...Someone really should have warned you about the re-posts.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a polar bear ...

... surprisingly the store has one for sale. But the assistant warns the man:

"Do never, under any circumstances, tickle the bear behind the ears."

Of course, the man buys the bear and cheerfully takes it home. After a while he can't help the urge any more and tickles the bear behind t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

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